I think this is the main goal that I have to reach in order to have enough strenght and happiness to start on other goals of mine…
BTW it is not the worst part – I am closely over it already. I feel like it is the end of the thing, however I still have really bad moments.
Pfff… the last 1,5 years are like a great black stormcloud over me. I just remember happily of my winter holidays in France: Chamrousse and Risoul. Other things even the Summer, I do not really remember of them – except working at the clinic that was supercool- other weeks felt like always being nervous and sad bc. of something… awww I want this Summer to be supercool, we have already booked our partyholiday with my university friends and awww I just so want to be happy…
PPl do not recognize that I would be depressed. I cried myself in front of my grandparents last week – it was a real cry for help- and they were like “it is not you! you are too strong to do such things” Yes, surely I found pathetic to do such a thing like crying in front of others- even relatives, but I really was suffering to get some good words and love or just attention as they have to realize: “hey, I am not all right, please do not bother me with extra stuffs what I have is enough for me now I do not need extra problems”
I just do not want others to bother me – i got tired of it, eg. to talk with dad in the name of mom, bc. they do not talk each other or just listen that everyone in my family says you have gained weight- gosh dont you think i have realized! oh and surely you got it when I used to be 47kg and now i am 61…:( btw I have told my grandma she can mock my cousin about it she was never ever thin, mock her about it, not me! btw it would be ok if they say it once but constantly… argh /note my doctor realized it was hormonal so now i get medication and hope i will lose weight/ Or my mother… she is always saying you should do this you should wear that, you should. gosh mom leave me be! “i just want you to be pretty and smart” – she is the typical mom who wants to live her dreams in her child… -she admitted it twice, but did not realize i wasnt ok and it pushed me even deeper… now i told her about why i was made so much failures in the last yrs and she was also what? you are not like that! – my stooopid ENTJ personality that do not let others see my weak points… it totally great at school or job but not in the personal life… /as 14 my family feared me xD xD i would never thought it, i did not hurt them physically or any, they said i just had a fearful personality/
So it is really the end of my energy and I want to beat this shit without medication or else- like others said I would not turn for real help- so they must stop annoying me with extra stuffs.
Well it is really strange nowdays bc. sometimes I can be really happy but i can get instantly extremly sad as well -it totally freaks me out, and I fear that I might do someting not kind of easily can be erased thing to myself in a bad moment. :(
/aww and I must come here regulary, I havent been here for months and did not really moved on my goals and I feel like “standing in the same water” for long time/