stay sober

was my birthday last week, saw my family and watched most of them get drunk but I held out. It seems times like that are hardest, just normal gatherings, no antagonism or anything just everyone having a good time Times that it seems almost harmless to drink, but once I start I can’t stop.

I can do this, my sponsor wants me to go drink with him and I didn’t want to cos I fear starting again. It’s that crossing the line thing once you start . . . But later I realized I should’ve have gone and dragged him out of that bar and locked him in a closet till he was sober and dragged his arse to Sunday morning down the church buildings where NA go to talk about higher power. Not for his sake but for mine. I can handle my own urges most of the time but I’m still fucked at dealing to other people who fall over. Without support the piss and drugs will beat us all.

It’s Saturday night and the rugby’s on so town will be going off. I used to love nights like this, now I dread them cos I have spend them alone.

“fill me up lets take a ride.”

So I went to street party Saturday, things got a little crazy and I got caught up in the moment. I don’t remeber the first drink, it’s like the sober decision to fall apart I managed to black out the rest is like a bad dream. I remember thinking “Fuck what are you doing” when I was in the bottle store buying a 1125 of Whisky. But I was already halfcut by then and decieded to make a night of it given I’d hate myself for drinking again in the morning. It was what I did while drunk that really disturbs. It was like I knew a riot was coming, it in the air the way people and looked and I was going “this is crazy get out go home” but I stayed and got drunk to embolden myself and join the chaos. Then I hated the way it got, fighting cos some people were bottling the firemen. A house nearly got burned down, some vans got torched, and all up there was one hundred twenty something fires, sixty odd arrests and general mayhem. I also had a big fight with some dude for fuck knows what reason. I remember now, this isn’t actually fun, it’s bullshit I’ve got better things to do with my time.

And only two beers, no Blackouts, no fist fighting with random drunkerds on the street, No drunk driving. I wish I could say I also have happiness but not so much yet. I spend less time around people outside of work simply because they all still drink. The new friends I’ve made since getting new jobs also all drink. Saturday night is still the hardest to get through so I go to a meeting just to have something to do. Sunday mornings getting up before one and seeing some of the weekend is my favourite time of the week. I still smoke a bit, but compared to the alturnative it seems like the smart option.

I’m helping a twenty three year old who’s just kicking speed and alcohol, yet I feel like a phoney cos I’m telling him to harden up and hang in there and it gets better and shit when Really I think most days I feel worse than he does. Trying to stay positive and be a good sponsor, but I don’t really like the twelve step thing. I’d rather do it my own way that means I’m in control of my own life and choosing not to be a practicing drunk anymore.

I have a joke that I think sums it up for me.
“What’s the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic?
Those boring fucking meetings!”

Always an important day for me, being part Irish wholey a fan of Irish drinks.

and on it goes day by day Eight weeks and I’m at one of those emotional crisis points where I’d normally say fuck this I’m getting drunk. I still don’t know what else to do, all I know is a drink will just make it all worse. I’ve failed at everything else but I won’t fail this. Thanks for reading this it helps me work up the courage to face the night sober and alone.

I’ve put the quit drinking goal in my done pile. I don’t go to meetings as often as I should, I still see AA as my last resort as I’m coping without alcohol or meetings fairly well these days. I still want to drink, but I’m not going to.