Prioritize, Focus & Follow-Through

So the scoop is that I have a lot of things to figure out in my life right now. I’d like to figure out my career direction and other personal priorities, as well as maintain 3 weeks of coherence. These goals are complex and the solutions seem entirely insufficient for progress.

The way that my mind works makes it hard to figure out my career. Even after having finished undergrad. So, I do not envision well, nor do I pick out the main details and gradually piece them together until after I’ve seen the whole thing. This kind of thinking is not working well with my interest in social science research (policy work). I get lost in the field, getting scattered by a range of equal opportunity interests. Clearly, if I could match up my interests better to things out in the world, and actually begin to maintain this process of keeping to details, then I might gain more clarity.

The other piece is larger and which I will try and understand and articualte.

Despite endeavors to change.

Life is passing me by. I only gain purpose through other people’s energy and I’m pretty indirected with my general interests and values. I have no idea how to structure my time to support something different. I could use a lifeline.

What happens to the untold version of the story of narcissus, the one where narcissus realizes his reflection is only one part of the world?

I’m feeling pretty horribly wretched. I am not coming up with resolutions. I know that I need to work on goal management and challenging myself to stay within the most functional levels of functioning I can maintain.

But honestly, I’m just spinning my wheels in so many countless ways.

I’m tired of being being about reporting the small glories of my days in order to gain recognition as my daily driving moments. I’m tired of the need to remake myself only realized with the emptiness of moments. I’m tired of this threshold of pathos and helplessness. I’m tired of this overwhelming sense of futility despite hard-lashed efforts.

Shouldn’t there be some overwhelming passion or know-how which can help me through whatever undeveloped and empty state my life is?

Ever since I high school I’d wake up at 2 am to finish the hw I couldn’t finish earlier on. I’d raid the fridge, turn on some music and make an event of the hw-completing until the sun rose and I barely had time to get ready for school. Years afterwards, I’m stuck with an insomnia and haywire eating pattern that becomes worse when I have to think about things that are unresolved.

Off and on, I can keep to a timed diet, but I am not sure how to ensure this consistently. Perhaps this also has to do with figuring out ways of non-jarringly and comfortably getting out of my unpleasant days.

I just want to be able to have my basic habits set and build from there :/.

I have no clue what to do at this point. I have ADDlike symptoms that persist despite med’s and treatment and make long, complex mental tasks quite impossible.

At the same time as finally putting these issues aside, I am trying to pursue my master’s. I haven’t done much the past few weeks other than try and write 4 8 min presentations and look for a part time job (both unsuccessfully). I cannot tolerate this kind of scraping by, especially as the master’s program I am in really is not that hard. Most of my problem really comes down to the insane organization problems that I have.

I know that what I’m doing with my life right now isn’t working, I just don’t know which way is forward, meaningful and productive :/.

I need a more confident plan by tomorrow early afternoon. I don’t know my options.