Heal

Well, I tried going out to a friends party only to walk out without saying goodbye to practically everyone because I couldn’t think/concentrate and I felt pretty dull/dumb.

I’m not sure I can ever really mange the social scene. I’m a vegetable in this manner.

Sometimes I really think I am a vegetable. If not geared to actually do things with people, I sink into states of nothingness. I have to make thinking deliberate, or I just passively take in everything.

What I want to specifically bring up is my dull/quietness that exists independently of other people and also that which emerges in social situations. It’s hard to decipher how one and the same they are.

But I feel tremendously dull and unable to think up good thoughts when I’m with people. Then when alone, I have to force myself to actually do more meaningful activities. Sometimes I feel I could just bide time simply through checking my email or doing really mindless repetitive tasks.

I’m not sure what to target to get rid of. I’m just sick of feeling so passive and aimless.

I feel absolutely hideously utterly wretched.

The two things that I need to accomplish to gain stability and self-respect include gaining career clarity (and not being a flake when I have these conversations) and having some near-term employment.

Well, I, despite graduating from a good college, cannot find employment that pays enough. I have tried for 6 months to find work as a tutor or research assistant. I’m terribly at networking and get gigs through craigslist. In any case, I have lost most of my cases because I can’t be assertive enough or manage the social dynamics to earn respect. I don’t have the interesting and reasonable factor going—I’m just a toolbox of skills to be used.

Regarding the career clarity, I’m in a master’s program that’s terribly unstructured with no idea what to do. I have to go seek advice from the chain of commands-i.e. advisor-but end up sounding like a complete and clueless flake when I do. The trouble is I can’t prioritize or emphasize one interest over another to create a larger picture, but rather do dabbles of everything. Plus, I can’t think on cue or do many kinds of thinking requiring organization without much struggle and exhaustion.

This is only part of my life. The other parts really don’t exist.

I have no idea what to actually do with these frustrations and thoughts. If I just let them hurdle at me, or confront them with a specialist, I simply continue to remain in my funks, because I’m such a conundrum.

I think I’m just unhelpable.

When I get into less of a rut, I hope to delete all my sob, pathos entries and summarize them in three words at most: unpleasant and unmanaged drama.

At the moment, I seem more caught up in my family situation in addition to trying to resolve some anxiety and attention deficit like issues, as well as begin to plan my life out (or start one), like any 23 year old would.

Problem is I come from a dysfunctional family that I was poorly equipped to handle. The family hasn’t grown out of its dysfunctionalness. Suffice to say, that there are rage matches, periods of self-righteousness and terrible enmeshment. In addition, to a general disorganizedness. When I’m at home, I have to deal with the same unpleasant script bickered about, or simply cannot get any work done because of constant interruption.

At this point, I have very little social life and very few established relationships. I can’t even manage much direction in my personal life. I’m just aiming to maintain and achieve basic coherence. Where my mind doesn’t flit every ten minutes. Where I feel motivated to get things done.

So, the family business complicates my already complex situation. Unfortunately, I can’t move out because my work situation isn’t the stablest, my pricy enough master’s schooling takes up half my time and because I’m still in the phase where I’m trying to develop some essential and more consistent life habits.

All this translates into my spending time in the bleakest of my university’s computer labs. Alone. Reading, working or whatever. Even on Saturday nights. Hoping to be struck by an epiphany.

I would make a perfect subject for a sentence including the word pathetic.

It could be worse.

It’s amazing how nearsighted I often am, and yet how concerned with the unimaginably invisible future I can also be. While I often can’t recollect why my problems of mental flittiness resist solid, solutions, I also can envision life long trajectories with consequences from my poor attention condition.

Writing this is making me feel fairly pathetic. But I suppose I am trying to articulate that my reasons for feeling so aimless on a daily to day basis and for having quite one-sided and/or mirror relationships.

My childhood, is actually, according to my surprise, considered surprisingly traumatic and unsupportive. The insight that some of my problems map back to then, helps give me hope that over time and with commitment I might get rid of some obsessiveness and despair.

But here I ramble so disorganized. My point is that I’m going to better understand my biography and link it to my real-time issues. Tough moment by tough moment.

How can you make improvement if you can’t live for more than one day at a time? If resolutions don’t hold?

The other day there was this obituary of a man who could form no new memories. Every time he saw his doctors it was as if he never met them. My mind feels like it’s trying to imprint memories on some beach.

The frustrating events are too many to list. But basically include the fact that I can’t form a career direction or care about my own interests enough from a moment to moment basis. My raison-d’etre is very simple—just distract myself enough to prevent realizing the boringness of my life.

It’s saturday night. I can’t say I’ve changed any of my life habits or situations. Same relationship patterns. Same constant fogginess. Same dependence on charged moments and less internal drive.

I want to start living, but it seems I’m bound for an incredibly limited existence.

So,
I’m not sure I can consistently be a good friend and a person with relevant, interesting thoughts.

At the moment, many small episodes reinforce this. One extremely low point that occurred today.

I’ve been at this for more than two years, and am not sure how to improve without a clearer mind.

So, I’ve landed in treatment again, hoping to gut out my ingrained issues once and for all. My cbt says that we’re going to tackle my issues the way that you’d eat an elephant—one by one.

The setup for working things through may or may not be a supportive structure. Though I intended to moveout and work part time attend grad school part time, it seems that I can’t find enough parttime work (despite graduating from a reputable college with honors), am still living at home because I can’t get my shit together and have a vacancy of life in all terms. What more, I am really unenthused by the grad school course of public health that i’ve chosen.

I’m sinking more and more into despair as there’s little to look forward to these days. When I try and focus on my hobbies, I become quite nearsighted and blow these out of proportion to compensate for my lack of career direction, when I try and manage the relationships that I have that do not work, I become overfocused on pleasing other people and don’t have too many set standards.

My social life consists of hanging out with a friend and two coupled friends. It really makes me feel exponentially dependent, but I can’t seem to break free from this situation of dependence, because I can’t guide my own way in social interactions.

Then, as the kicker, my urge to write returns. This urge to write is simply airing my problems in eloquent terms. It’s introspection barely disguised at its worst, at its best its sometimes good sounding nothing.

I cannot bear much more of this barely subsisting lifestyle. I don’t know how many elephants I have to eat. I’m beginning to think that I’m not capable of some larger, long term more sustainable life.

So I don’t know how to address my discombobulation and disorientation in its entirety.

I do know that in reviewing my current and past life I feel too self-centered and status oriented.

On top of the more concrete problems of addressing my work,
I need to develop my self/interests as well as develop more sincere relations with other people.

As I have been a recluse and don’t have much regard for my being able to sustain interactions as opposed to simply inserting witty, nonsense banter, I thought I’d volunteer somewhere this semester that requires my emotional dedication and involvement. It would have to be somewhere structured because I have attention issues and have trouble generating reasons and conditions for interaction without set structure/rules, but within that frame, I’d learn to be less self-conscious and more genuine. I’m not sure if this will be an after school program or if I could find something that would push my comfort limits a bit more.

Thinking something up…

so, i stink at setting and achieving goals. I seem to be in the same spot with the overall state of my life.

I guess a major issue right now is daily life management. Or having the ability to process and give myself feedback on social interactions and complex mental tasks. I think I’m set on the latter, but could use some help figuring out how to decompress daily on the former without plunging into self-absorption. Thing is I need feedback at the moment to separate the minor/major worries to identify patterns of behavior and to embed myself in different patterns and move away from the frenzy, insincere jitter of anxiety.

My determination and confidence is at a low of lows. Things are insurmountable.