start living not just existing

This goal is not possible.
I turn 22 in less than a week.
I don’t really have an idea of being in a true balanced friendship not based around problems or sustained for several years.

I will be spending my birthday and then graduation alone.

Classes start next week. I’ve done little that furthers me along this vague goal.

My winter break’s nearing a close and I’ve accomplished very little. I’m not sure exactly what steps to take from here as amorphous goals are hard for me to structure.

Here’s to perpetually unaccomplished resolutions.

For awhile now, I’ve had this horrible addiction to the radio. This became mostly a problem the two years when I commuted to school and would have uninterrupted access. Dallying before class scrolling to preselected songs sometimes grew to periods of time long enough for me to walk the mile or two across campus.

Radio became a way for me to pump myself into motivation, to anesthetize, to avoid thinking thoughts that couldn’t express my sorrow and disappointments, to displace myself from my own conflicts and struggles into another temporary space where the impossible distance of future goals seemed attainable.

Surprisingly, this zenlike philosopher krishnamurthi, whose work I’ve skimmed through for awhile, has an “essay” on the radio itself. Not tv, not idleness. But radio. Going one step beyond my dicey reflections on my guilty enjoyment, he talked of how radio becomes an escape from experience, an indulgence in sensation.

ah…to be continued…