Beat my depression

I’m feeling somewhat better. Well, yesterday evening I was getting very low. But, I decided to address what was upsetting me at that specific time. I did it, and it was hard to do and it took some balls. But, once I did I felt 100x times better because you know what? It made things ok. I sorted it out, I did something about it instead of being passive and letting everything get on top of me.
I spoke with the person concerned about what hbad been playting on my mind and bringing me down for the last week, and we worked through it. My mind rests clearer and I can move on to other problems which need addressing.

So another weekend neary passed and another weekend with nothing done.
I’m just feeling so alone. People message me and ask how I am, and I always say ‘good thanks’. Well, there is no point in being honest, what will they do about it? Nothing. No one wants to come out, no one wants me to come over. And in anycase, when I have been honest, I am just greeted with ‘aw that sucks’

I think tomorrow I am going to drive somewhere… Anywhere, sit in my car for a bit, maybe venture out for a walk depending on he weather. Anything to get out, even if it will mean going out on my own… It’s odd, sometimes I think I would quite like for something to happen while I’m out driving or even walking which renders me dead, some kind of fatal crash. Well, at least then it wouldn’t be suicide. Yes, I’ve contemplated it. And everyday I am so dissapointed when I wake up because it means I’m still alive.

No, I know I must try and be postive…and maybe from tuesday onwards it will be easier. It’s funny how the weekend should be the most depressing time of the week for me when for everyone else it’s the best time of the week.

I just need to get out. It’s being in this house cooped up all evening which makes me feel 100x worse. But I have no one to go out with and there really aren’t many places I can go on my own around here. Seeing and hearing about other people going out and having a good time doesn’t help. I just feel so alone. Even just to spend some time at someone else’s house for the evening would suit me! Just to get out of here…So perhaps I’ll just stay in and hit the bottle instead.

I thought everything would be ok today, it’s not and neither am I. I just feel so sad, all the time.

So on friday I cut my fringe, dyed my hair, got a new piercing and some new clothes to ‘refresh’ myself. It worked for a couple of days, until this morning when I found myself on a complete down again, 30 miles from home. I doscovered something rendering what I thought of the last 2 months to be complete rubbish, and yet cannot confront the issue nor do anything about it.
I drive home and as soon as I get in remember why I hate coming back to this house and can’t wait to get another place.

I think my friends are getting fed up with my problems. I have a couple of recurring ones too to which I get given the same advice everytime, but I don’t want to follow it. Doing what it is right is hard – everyone is teling me what to do and I know they are right, but I can’t, just can’t, bring myself to do it.

I have come to the conclusion that it is not other people who are upsetting me, it’s my evaluation of their actions that are upsetting me. So this is all my fault, yay.

Well, I have found myself in a situation where I don’t where where I stand or how I feel. It’s bringing me down and creating such turmoil both in my mind and in my life.

So, I’ve tried talking about it, however friends can only be of limited help sometimes when they do not know or understand the situation fully. Instead I have have written too. Because I think part of the problem is me over anaysing and over reacting, so I have drawn up two columns, one for ‘good signs’ and one for ‘bad signs’ and filled them in. And also how I will react to this and what I am going to do about it.

It’s interesting, like my thoughts make more sense and are more collected now on this subject. In my head they are all entangled and mixed but once I put them on paper I coud separate them all out. It’s made me realise that perhaps I am focusing on what I think is wrong rather than what I think is going right/well.

Well, I don’t know how I feel at the moment. Last night I got very annoyed, but was at a party/hitting the town, so I just kinda ignored those feelings and drank and smoked enough to compensate. This morning I am tired and not feeing right..And anaysing things…That is my problem I think, I do over-think things, leading me to feel hopeless about everything.

I need to talk these feelings out, because usually I can’t but this time I can, I just need to man up and bring mysef to do it…

I’m just so sick and tired of everything. I get treated badly, but I keeo going back for more….So I guess it’s my own fault.

I really felt ike hurting myself earlier, but I spoke to some friends instead and that helped, the urge is gone for the moment.

I need to look at the positives out of every situation, I only look at the bad:

I may feel like I botched up the interview, however until I hear back I mustn’t assume that I didn’t get the job. If not, there will be other jobs.

I dislike my current job, however the pay is decent and they are very flexible and unorthadox, giving me lots of freedom within it.

My friends seldom want to do anything with me; I just need to find the ones which do.

My life doesn’t have a general direction at the moment; I just need to keep searching for it, and gain from the experiences along the way.

He drops our own pans to hang out with his friends, however I know he loves me and that we have quaity time planned together soon (well, if his friends don’t call him up in the meantime!)

And, that is why I don’t ike interviews! Got completely thrown with a couple of questions, I must have sounded like a right twanger!

Ah well, they said I should hear back in 10 days. I mean, it’s not like I’m applying to be a brain surgeon or anything, so hopefuly what I answered to the questions wasnt too important as opposed to previous experience and general personality