My granny called me this morning. We talked for a little while and then she asked me whether I was alright, she was afraid I might be lonely now that I’m living on my own and recent issues with my family have arisen.
And that hit home. I had the same thought popping up over and over again during the last couple of weeks. But it has an even bigger impact when someone else asks you. I don’t know whether I’d classify myself as lonely or whether it is the classification itself that scares me more than the actual fact, but this is scary business.
There was a time when I felt deeply rooted in myself and had no problems letting someone new enter my life but was excited about it. Now I simply feel scared. There’s times when I long for the intimacy of a relationship and long friendships but then again I get scared of letting someone in. Scared because I am afraid I might get hurt again like I did last year when my then-boyfriend of three years cheated on me and the world around me suddenly crumbled.
I don’t want to use this as an excuse and I don’t want it to even qualify as an excuse. The mere thought of that ‘experience’ still having an impact on my feelings infuriates and saddens me.
I still believe that there is a lot of love out there, be it in the form of friendships or relationships, but sometimes that belief waveres. And that’s when fear seeps in…
And at the moment I feel, I cannot do anything but observe. Maybe there’s a bit of another type of fear lurking as well. A fear that if I opened up and stepped out of the current known, I would be surprised by what awaits me and it could have the power to shake up my life. Maybe, just maybe…
