stop being depressed

i hate the feeling when i realize i cannot stop myself from getting older. i cannot stand it. everytime i think about it i want to cry. i don’t want my birthday to come- i do not want to get older. every part of me just wishes i could stop the clock. i am too afraid to get older. i do not know what to do; i do not know how to deal with this fear.
i am scared.

i came home today expecting to do so much. as soon as i walked in the door my mother said: you look horribe- you need a nap. with the death in my family this week, i have tried not to put myself first- i am always thinking about her; how she spent basically forty years in a daily routine with him, doing everything together and for eachother, and now that is over. i feel horrible about this about her loss, our loss- i miss him so much. he always used to tell me how good i looked, asking if i lost weight and we talked about so many other little things. he was a big part in everyones life and we will all miss him but i know most of all, i need to be there for her.
i am hoping that i can make her a little happy- i am so afraid i will lose her too.

i am very depressed, can barely eat and when i do, i don’t enjoy the food much, tired, and just wish i could make everything, including myself, all right.

i’m so angry and upset right now. this one person always puts me down and it’s not like i can escape her- i have to work with her and see her every single day because she lives near me. she is always talking down to me and treats me as a child…i am not a child. i said it too but she won’t listen; she is filled with narcism and does not care who she puts down just so she can feel always right.
she just does not understand that when she insults everything i do, it gives me no motivation to do anything better.
and i feel like i am close to breaking all over again.

i’ve been pretty good at keeping my depression underneath everyother feeling.

but- tonight really got to me and now i’m starting to feel it again.
i got into a fight that kept going around in circles and then ….. wouldn’t except my sorries and i kept having to reiterate everything over and over.
and it made me remember that when i wasn’t happy at all-that was the easiest because anything bad that could happen wouldn’t even make me flinch-i expected everything to go wrong.
i just want to go to bed.