be here now

I’ve been working on this a LOT the past month or so. And it’s hard. I have no idea why. I’ve always thought of myself as a pretty grounded person, but I guess I’m not. When you really pay attention to the thoughts that rattle around in your head, what do they sound like? Mine need some adjusting. This all ties in with my existential crisis. One of the things that would make me much more present would be to just be satisfied with what I have. Which is a lot. I’ve been lucky and I’ve done a lot of things. It’s not really /stuff/ that I want. But I miss my friends and I miss being in a relationship. So that, subsequently, is what I seem to drift off into daydreams of more than anything else. When did I turn so freakin’ sappy? Geez…it’s embarrassing. But I try to keep myself grounded. I catch myself starting to slip off into random thoughts faster than I did. I’ve been reading a lot of books lately that have helped quite a bit, the tao te ching and the Bhagavad Gita were the most helpful. It’s strange, since I’m just now starting to understand what those texts are saying, even though I’ve read both books before. I think I’m reading them to really apply their teachings now, whereas I was just reading them more as a lesson in different cultures before. Meditating and yoga in the mornings seems to be the best thing to keep me focused. It’s a damn good thing that I’m a high-functioning daydreamer. Otherwise, I’d be living under a bridge somewhere. See? There’s another thing to be grateful for.

I think I’m doing a tad better. Now when I find myself daydreaming about the most utterly unlikely scenarios, I stop myself and remind myself of where I am. Then I say to myself, “listen Street, if you gotta sit around daydreaming, you must not be so happy w/ your life as it is. So figure out some changes.”

It hasn’t worked at all yet, as my life is about as pathetic as it’s ever been. But that’s not to say I’m not still working up to something better. I’ll give it a little longer.

I’m a scientist, dammit! Like it or not – I need to be able to count stuff. The rest of my 43Ts are going to be more black and white. I’m going to save this gray stuff for only the really, really worthy goals.

...But this is one of them. I waste too much of my mental energy reliving old stuff or anticipating things that will probably never happen. But I think I’m doing a little better with it. When I find myself wandering mentally into stupid scenarios that I know I won’t get the chance to re-do, I say to myself – “pull out of it, kid!” So – that’s progress, right?