rely more on god

goodnight prayers are becoming more common for me so that helps…

one step at a time

so I had numerous crying episodes today and finally, on the 4th one I asked God to just help me. I know I can’t do it alone. I want to be able to do it alone, but I just can’t…
and you know, it could’ve been that my body was all cried out by then or maybe it really worked…
and now, it’s 11:11 and I’m doing a.okay.

Thanks be to God.

I’m spending the next six days in Texas with thousands of other Lutherans… I pray I learn enough from them to make this summer make sense. Sometimes you just need a little help to be able to rely on God… some reassurance…

wish me blessings :)

This evening he was joking around with the girls around him and grabbed her hips to move her. I know he was joking, but yet, somewhere in me I have this fear so my stomach got real sick feeling. I went over to the swings a little later and swung… really high. There were a couple other people around, but when they left I just started talking, aloud- to everyone and no one. It felt amazing. I told God how I didn’tk now if I always believed in him, but when I stopped and thought of not believing I knew that couldn’t be right- it jsut wasn’t. Sometimes you just know things and… it’s not even faith for me, I just know. Anyways… I started talking that and being empty and high school drama and… I got off the swings and felt a buzz. My whole mind was quiet and loud at the same time. I got back to the group and he asked what was wrong and I wanted to try and explain, but I knew there was no hope. Instead I just said “I just needed to swing” and left it at that… I hope he understands. The truth is, I did just need to swing and to feel that rush of air as my body cuts through it, but I also needed to just talk for 5 minutes straight, till my throat got dry, to the One Up Above, the only One who I could say it to… after all, He already knows.

I suck at this.
I recently picked up my book at my church library titled “You’re late again God” or something like that…a nd it’s a guide for impatient women. I’ve started it and so far it’s not very good. However, I have to keep going cause I need it.

I just need something…

For Lent each year my church puts out a book full of “God Sightings” (one God sighting for each day) and each story is contributed by a member of the congregation. I really wish I had contributed more of mine… my last intern pastor honestly saved my life a few time and I saw God clearer through him than anyone before. Oddly enough… I can’t seem to admit that my life needed saving to share the story. I could probably share it with my church, I just don’t want my mom to read it and be scared that I’ll be that gone again. Well… at least it’s Ash Wednesday… time to read story number one <3