forgive my brother

big big big big huge mighty steps today. what was a misunderstanding turned into a fight, which turned into a talk, an actual talk, about feelings. i couldn’t believe what was happening was happening. we were both feeling the same thing: that we hated each other unjustifiably. he mistook my worries and fears for hatred, and when he came to realize that everything i said and did back then was to try and help him, he couldn’t believe it. he was upset with me because i never tried to get to know him or find out if he’d changed. which, he has. if he is this willing to listen to me.

this was the most we have talked in years. really years. probably 4 or 5. and i am suddenly, eerily optimistic.

my dad says, “try to get along with your brother this summer.” he means that i should talk to him in instances other than anger. i will try, but i can’t discard my feelings.

there is now a hole in my door, just like the holes in his door and the holes in the shed door. now i know that he wants me to get hit by a car. now i know that he despises me for going to college. now i know that he can encite a fear in me that is foreign and frightening.

no wait, i already knew.

sweeeeeeet. he “dropped e” on christmas day after he refused to go to a relative’s house and so my parents took him to a friend’s.

yesterday pot wafted up and invaded my room. my dad shut the vent and told him to stop. nothing’s changed.

he’s done… a lot… of drugs.

he’s going to g.e.d. classes and at my birthday, we actually spoke like human beings. but these are only small steps. he still has the same friends. he still smokes in the house and it still drifts into my old rooom. my parents’ room and my room are now locked to keep him out. his myspace background is a pot-leaf pattern, and i feel resentment toward him when i smell my beloved cat and he smells like my brother’s incense-and-pot-ridden room. at least i no longer have to live above him.