find a therapist

to this weeks visit. My girls think I analyze things too much. I don’t like hearing that. I do delve a little deep into the way that I feel and how things have effected me in my past. But knowing and understanding myself is key to moving forward. I don’t know how to have fun. I don’t knwo how to relax. I still have a lot to say, a lot of anger and hurt to work through. I still have feelings of unworthiness and lack of self-esteem to work through. I must say though that I have a plan for these areas and can see myself working through all of them. That is the good part. I see a light at the end of the tunnel. I feel that everything that I am working on in my life is key to this one area, to me feeling better about myself and where my life is going. This is my passion right now.

the real work will begin.

I met this older woman who was very engaging and attentive. She even offered something back. The last time I saw one she was very quiet and I saw her holding back yawns. This one was much better. It is like talking to a mother. Not my mother but somebodies mother. I am hoping to like her. I found my story very long to tell and I think I was only getting to the nitty gritty of it by th end. But she made me laugh and I didn;t feel embarassed or ashamed when I cried. It felt okay. I will give it another visit or two and if I really make that connection, I will call say that I have done this.

next thrusday. I am hoping that this one will at least be an acutal appointment. The woman on the phone didn’t sound very warm and that kind of concerns me. I guess we will have to see.

I went to my therapist appointment today only to find out that my insurance will not cover it. Turns out I have to go through the Employee Assistance Program at work to find a therapist. Bummer. And here I thought I was making a really great move and taking some steps to feeling better. I have to say, just sitting in this waiting room of the therapists office I had this overwhelming urge to start crying. It was like I had a safe haven. I believed that I was going to meet somebody who will listen and not judge. That she was there to help me and I was ready for that and even looking forward to it no matter how much hard work it would be. Then they tell me that my insurance will not cover the visit. I left feeling very depressed. Perhaps that is why I am having even more difficulty being patient and supportive with my daughters today. I rally don’t feel like I ahve a great support system in place. Gary avoids issues so tryint to tell him about a problem (other than him) is difficult because he is the king of avoidance and then insted of listening and helping me try and find a solution, he chagnes the subject. Th girls are not there to help me and it is not fair to complain to them, and sometimes they are the problem weighing on me. I don’t have a lot of really close freinds here in Vermont, I work too much to really forge any close freindships, my sister and I don’t talk and mom, well, mom has the emotional intelligence of a 13 year old girl. I was sooooo looking forward to this. I don’t know how long this will take through the EPA and frankly it bothers me a little that I have to go through my employment for this help. I don’t care about any HIPA assurance, there is a record somewhere.

I will give them a call and them maybe take a nap. Yah, sleeping is my way of hiding sometimes. As depressed as I feel right now, maybe an hour sleeping and then going for a drive and maybe taking in a movie will change my frame of mind.

because I finally came to a point where it is a necessity. I had it as a goal at the beginning of the year and never made it a priority. Now it is. I called to day and made and appointment for next week. I won’t check this off as done until I am sure tht I click with this woman.

there are times when I read this goal and think, “what do I have to tell a therapist?” I think that I haven’t any problems at all and there are other days, like today, that I think, OMG! I need a therapist! And I can think of a thousand reasons why I need to see one, why I HAVE to see one. And then I have another hundred questions and issues that need to be figured out.

After all of that and realizing how much I sway from one end of the spectrum to the other, I see that perhaps my need for a therapist is much bigger than I could ever imagine. I am really FUCKED UP! Or at least my way of thinking is.

took the phone numbers of two others. I will give them a jingle in the morning.

took the phone numbers of two others. I will give them a jingle in the morning.

to my life coach that I would find a therapist by my birthday on June 12. Better beat feet!