as she prepares to move to California in about three weeks. I will miss her so much, but I am thrilled for her adventure.
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lovingmex43 has written 45 entries about this goal
and it has been wonderful. And so much different now that I am sober. I see and hear more than I ever did before.
Kelly has stopped by a few times. She is getting frustrated that she is not getting what she wants when she wants it. I see her getting a little better, she is identifying with her anger a little more, which is great. But she is still not getting what she wants and that is not something that she can accept.
Spent some time with Randy, and although he is not the person of choice for me, he is company and I do believe we share that thought. I think he may have said something to Jim, the guy that I think is the best looking guy at work, the one man that I have found so very attractive since the very first day I met his 4 years ago.
Making more and more friends at AA, appreciating them all tremendously. John, Caitlin, Elise,
keeps calling, and I really don’t want to talk to her. I feel so much anger and resentment towards her and frankly I just don’t want to put up with a conversation with her right now. I feel like I am finally getting somewhere with my therapist when it comes to dealing with my relationship with my parents and the past. I don’t want to give her anything, and especially I don’t want to give her my time. I gave her so much of it and she gave me so little attention in return. I am still figuring all of that out.
I will be honest. I did ask her to sit down, I did ask her in. I did reach out to her when she cried. I should not have done any of those things. I am very vulnerable when I am tired, “HALT” I should know better, whether it comes down to a drink or any other bad choice. I do miss her. I do miss doing things with her. I miss a lot of things about her but they are all magnified when I am tired. So I am aware that I made a mistake, She wants to get together to talk, (Yet again) nothing has changed on my pat. I miss her but I do not want a relationship with her. Not healthy for me. In turn, not healthy for her. I don’t think she understands that. I think this will be the topic of my therapy appointment this week. I am embarrassed that I allowed this to happen and I am not looking forward to the shame that I will feel telling my therapist about this. This would be one of the occasions that would make me want to drink. I don;t like feeling this shame and I would drink to run away from it. But one of the things I heard recently made me think again about this situation. “Feel, Deal and Heal”. Yup, this shame sucks, as does the embarrassment but I can deal with this feeling and it won’t kill me. Just deal with the repercussions of the event and then remember the lesson, don’t drink to avoid it all as I would have in the past. And ultimately it is(was) only a punishment towards myself.
Deep breath, you are learning, living and learning. Go ME!
stopped by yesterday. It was nice to see them. I am finding some friendship with the people I meet at AA. Big hug from C last night and I met her daughter. It felt genuine.
to most of my family and my mom.
I have more friends now that I ever did before, or at least acquaintances, through AA than I have had in the last nine year here in VT.
Lover? No, the time is not right. I will give it a year as I should while going through my first steps.
after enough discussions with my therapist, I know that I am down with K. We went over how to say what I need to say to her to end this and I used this method to end the relationship. It felt like I was finally being honest with her and I felt no guilt afterward.
I have seen all of my girls on a regular basis. They have noticed a difference in me since I stopped drinking which is good. But I have also enjoyed spending time with them on a different level. More about them and less about me. I am getting there.
I am making sure I am going out with people. Doing things, movies, dinner, lunch, coffee. I am making efforts. I just need to make sure I don’t let my head get in the way. I belong, and I need to remember that and I will be fine.
as I didn’t go to the wedding. She sounded really sad. I will have to give her a call. I think she misses me.
I think I miss her too.
I tend to spend more time in the house and on the computer than I do outside and interacting with other people.
about the Manhattan short film festival, the girls and I went to last year together with their boyfriends. It was fun. We all chatted about our choices and why afterward, it made for a different evening. They seem interested in doing this again. Lot’s of family get togethers coming up. Wedding, Great Escape outing, this film festival. I love this time of year, it is when we get together the most.
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