gain confidence

My ending relationship hasn’t done much for my confidence…but I still have faith. I don’t downgrade myself for what happened but it still sucks for now. I will get through this…I just hate, well, having to go through this. Learning experience my ass…haven’t I already learned this lesson before?

I get complimented everyday…I do like the way I look (most of the time…but we’ll talk about that later!) But sometimes, I cannot stand who I am. I call myself the social chameleon. Because of the pressure put on me to smile and be agreeable all the time, even when I am feeling blue (I am a dancer and the people you audition for don’t care if you are having a bad day!) I can’t show it because my career depends on it.

I have done this for so long that it has become autonomic—and a nuisance! It sounds cheesy as hell but I don’t even know who I am anymore. When I do let my guard down and I am “myself” (whoever that is!) I don’t trust people to still like and care for me…No one else has before!!

As for the physical, well that goes in and out. I go to auditions and I am either too skinny, too fat, too exotic, or not exotic enough. Just when I am feeling great in all aspects, I see someone who is amazing (I live in LA…there is an infestation of beauty!) and I immediately wonder why I even try. What is sad is that I know other people look at me and feel the same way. It is all a sick twisted chain and I hate it.

I just want to have confidence in myself without comparing myself to anybody elses “self”! I want to be happy with who I am inside and out no matter what someone else says or looks like.