get over my fear of death

She died yesterday about an hour after we got her up to the hospice bed. Which was expected. The “death” took about 30 minutes. Watching it, I became anxious, took half of a xanax (I’m prescribed them). Later that night I had a full on panic attack. She said she wasn’t scared. It looked so f’ing scary though…

I went to the hospital. She is dying. I brought old pictures of her and my mom from the 50’s. I thought it would be nice. I made sure mom got to have a nice goodbye. They were going to do some more stuff to her tomorrow, but I explained hospice to her and that’s what she wanted (I’m an RN). She stated very clearly that she wants to die and that she is ready. I asked her if she was scared- she said no. She goes up to the hospice floor in the morning. She will probably pass either tomorrow night or early the next morning. It was weird being the one to facilitate the process even knowing it’s what she wants. I will be there tomorrow when she dies. It hasn’t triggered my own panic about “it”...but I think it’s because I am in care taker mode for my mother’s sake.

I’ve always been afraid to die. I have panic attacks about it many times (usually in the evening). It’s been an issue since I was a little kid. My grandmother (I’m not close with her) is going to pass in the next day or two, so I am going with my mother to see her in the ICU at noon. I found old pictures of her and my mom so I think I’m going to bring them (if it makes her sad I’ll put them away). I don’t know if going will trigger me to feel that scared feeling…but I will go anyway because I want to support my mom.