Be the Leading Lady

I’m so glad that we don’t have a Bluesday every week. I had a big case of the blues last night. I tried to shake it off in less than 5 minutes. It was difficult, but I had to let myself cry and walk away. I have to keep moving forward even though some days make me feel behind. Well, I got some emails from my ex-boyfriend with some old pictures. I don’t usually check the old email account anymore, so it was a bit of a shock. It reminded me how happy I was with him. Then, I had to remind myself that I wasn’t happy with who I was becoming. I gave myself another 5 minutes today since Bluesday is just part of the process, right? Done.

So, I finally unwrapped the DVD that I got for X-mas last year. Yes, the same movie that I based this goal on. It’s not particularly the best movie ever made, but a few points rang true for me. It reminded my older sister of me, which is why she was inspired to buy the DVD for me. It’s been sitting in my DVD collection, unopened for almost a year. What a terrible person I am! Anyway, I finally opened it and watched it while I cleaned and organized my room. Good timing… It reminded me that I’m desperately in need to shake things up again and add a little spice to my life! Spicy!!!

I’ve been listening to the Mosaic podcast, which is starting a new series, based on Erwin McManus’ book, Wide Awake. The message from Sunday was called, “Dreams.” McManus points out that there are 3 three categories of people, who are not realizing their dreams.

Up until a few years ago, I fell into the second category of people, described as having dreams and potential, but no motivation to move forward. This group just waits for things to happen or to fall into place. They continue to be satified with mediocrity, instead of maximizing their potential of greatness.

Although that category does not sound great, it is better than the last category, which I moved into at some point after college. When I heard the following words, I was hit so hard that I had to play it over and over and over.

It was difficult to hear, but it was me… just me… It wasn’t the me I was a few years ago or the me that I want to be. It’s the me that I am and the me that I’m moving away from. These are his words…

“There are some people that fall into this third category. Usually, they are the nicest people. They are the best people. They are the people that you love having as your best friend because they are the people, who are living a life that they feel obligated to live, rather than a life they are created to live. They are living a life out of obligation, rather than a life out of passion. We love having them as friends because you know if you ask them, they’ll say, “yes.” They just don’t have the capacity to say, “no” because they do not have a big “yes” inside of them… I’m wondering how many here are living someone else’s life. You’re living someone else’s dream. You’re living your life out of obligation and responsibility. It’s not that it’s bad to be responsible. It’s good to be responsible. The problem is that when you’re responsible for the life that wasn’t yours, you’re really in a mess.”

He continues to artculately speak to me. I sit in my office, working at my mediocre job, listening to the sermon, ready to break out into tears. I hear the words of the whole message and it pulls everything together. All of my choppy terribly written entries on 43 things, my breakup with my ex-boyfriend (who was great), divorcing my unhealthy toxic job, my desire to be the leading lady, feeling fabulous after my dancing-scubadiving-liberating-solo vacation in the Caribbean, losing weight, eating better, taking care of my allergies, paying off my debt, being more social, being more “selfish” and trying not to feel bad about it, dressing better, and living a life worth talking about… It’s all of these things. It’s all of these things. It’s all of these things!!!

I am that the one, who has been living a life out of obligation. I’ve burdened myself with others burdens, thinking that everything will be appreciated. Instead, all the sacrificing and giving becomes the norm. I find joy in giving and never want to change that about myself, but I just have to learn to give to myself too. I love to love and never want to change that either. Again, I just have to love myself enough to take care of myself. I’m just confusing myself now.

Anyways, I am passionate and have wanted so many things in my life. I sacrificed a great deal for the people that I love. That is a normal process of living, but I got so comfortable with putting everyone and everything before myself; and, so did they. I got to the point of becoming the martyr. Why? I’m strong, but not that strong. I have been living others’ lives and have been just trying to hold all the pieces together.

I’m rambling again. It was perfect hearing the message at this point in my life. I feel like I’m really turning my life around again and getting back on the right track. Everything is reinforcing the fact that I have to be the leading lady of my own life. Encore!

So, I’ve been working on this leading lady business and it was great for awhile. It’s been fizzling out lately. The reviews, if any, seem to be good. I’m getting great feedback from family and friends are recognizing the old me again. They’ve noticed that I’ve lost weight and am focusing on myself again. It’s so reassuring!!!

Anyway, I think it’s the critic in my head that’s wearing me out. I need to shut all that negativity off again and pick up the fabulous role again! Must be fabulous! Must be fabulous me!!! Here I go again… Enter stage right!!! :)

So, I have been out of my slump like never before. I was in so deep that I felt like there was no way to pull out. I found myself again during my vacation. I’ve been focusing on “me” and it feels great. I’ve made so many mistakes in my life, but someone asked me the other day if I have regrets for the things that I have done. I realized that I have more regrets for the things I haven’t done than the things that I’ve done.

A little over a year ago, I felt like I was going to die. Now, I feel like I’m living again. Sometimes, my life feels like a movie and I’m getting a kick out of how much of a comedy it is. I’d love for it to be a romatic comedy too and not so much of drama or independent film. I’m trying to simplify my life and appreciate everything that comes my way. Getting some exercise and eating healthier has been making me look and feel much better too. Loving the things I do and doing the things I love is the key. Striking up a little romance always adds a little spice to the whole mix. I just need to keep doing what works and move forward! This is my life and my script… I have to keep remembering to play the leading role. It’s hard not to fall back into the sidekick role, but that’s why I’ll keep it as a goal!!! :)

I’ve been agressively working on improving every area of my life. Over the past few years, I have taken so many hits that I fell into a slump that kept getting deeper and deeper. I started neglecting myself and felt as if I always had to put everyone’s needs before my own.

It hit me hard when Kate Winslet’s character in the movie, the Holiday, was advised to be the leading lady of her own life. Although mystiko is right in that it isn’t necessary to be the leading lady and that every character is important, I think I’ll take a different approach and keep this as a underlying goal in my life. I would like to be the leading lady of my own life while playing supporting roles and sidekick in other’s lives. I have enjoyed a good life and would love to go back to starring in my own story. After some traumatic incidents happened a few years back, something changed in me and I lost that zippy chipper quality that made me me. Lately, I’ve seen noticeable changes in my life once I started making some serious commitments to getting rid of the things that were holding me back. It seems to be getting easier after seeing so many positive results. I feel like I’m taking my life back and it feels oh so good.