live life to the fullest

Okay, another inspiring person… Wow! What a beautiful person! Just have to get back up and appreciate all that I have. Check out these two links:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MslbhDZoniY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0DxlJWJ_WfA&feature=related

So, I’ve been thinking about my singleness / singlehood / singledom (still haven’t figured which term to use) lately. I was thinking about how much I take care of my parents and how I may not have kids that will look out for me when I’m older. I’ve wondered if I’ll be alone later in life and wonder if it’s too late to have my own biological kids. I’ve always wanted to adopt and wonder if that would be fair to adopt a child on my own. Then, I wonder if I’m suited to be a parent or if I was only built to be an amazing aunt (which I love). Then, I wonder why I’m so terrible at relationships. I wonder why I let go of the guys I did and why I held on to the ones that I did. I wonder why I see so many couples, who are terrible for each other, but “make it work.” Then, I wonder why I didn’t just stay with some of the guys and “make it work.” Then, I wonder how I could even think such a stupid thought. I wonder if I’ll ever be normal. I wonder why I can’t let anyone love me and why I always push people away. I wonder why I hold myself back when I start succeeding. I wonder why I don’t jump more and think less in the “right” areas of life. I wonder why I fail to appreciate things in the moment more often than not. I wonder how I could be so content, confident, and positive sometimes and so crazy and insecure at other times. I wonder why I shouldn’t have a little fling and wonder if I’ll ever be able to be in another serious relationship. I wonder if all my wondering will bother the next guy I date (Yes). I wonder if I be able to accomplish all of my goals. I wonder by wondering this much, I’ve become wonder woman. I wonder how I could live my little life a little bit fuller each day. I wonder what I should make for Thanksgiving. I wonder how I ended up with such a loving crazy family & loving crazy friends, despite all of my quirkiness. I wonder when I get to see my nephews & niece again. I wonder if I’ll ever get tired of being the “playful” aunt. I wonder if there is anyone crazy enough to read this entire entry. I wonder if I should start writing more memories down since I seem to be forgeting a lot lately. I wonder if I’m forgetting stuff since I packed my brain with nonsensical data from work and neurotic insecurities. I wonder at what point in my life of being alone will I ever be lonely. I wonder why I wonder.

Stop complaining, start doing… I went to a memorial service for my uncle that passed away last week. I was just reflecting on fragile life really is. I’ve been struggling with family members lately and while I sat in the service, I just realized that I spent so much time worrying about petty things. I let relationships fall apart because of my petty behavior. I have to remember how precious life, family, friends, etc. really are. I will have to tell people I love them more often.

So, living life to fullest is a tall order, but it’s one of the things that I want to keep doing for the rest of my life. It’s gotta stay on the list! We never really know when our time will come since it’s obviously out of our hands. I want to appreciate every day and make the most of what I’m blessed with. I know I am flawed, but I’ll take what I’ve got and shake it! Woohoo!!!

Over the past year, my life has changed significantly. I’ve learned how to remove myself from most of the drama in my life and also learned how to brush off things that really don�t matter. At times, I felt guilty and thought that I was running away from work, relationships, family, and everything else. What I realized is that I just needed to step back and start over. I just had to let go of all the things that I was trying to hold on so tightly too and let it go. I had to remember that God loves all of us and everything works out for the best. I know that’s the Pollyanna side of me, but it’s true. It’s those times that I forget that and I start snowballing downhill. So, yes, I learned to let go and start forgiving myself for all the mistakes I made in my life. I learned to take those as life�s lessons and to move forward. A year ago, I thought I was going to die and now I feel like a younger and more free. It’s amazing how much stress can age you so quickly.

Anyway, I thought I should start writing entries about this goal as I’m making progress since I’ll go through an enlightening experience or realization and forget about it months later.

So, Randy Pausch… Who is he? Well, several weeks ago, I watched the online video of Randy’s lecture at Carnegie Mellon about “Really Achieving Childhood Dreams.” I have to admit that I was so emotional and was sobbing histerically after it was over. There were a few triggers in the lecture, but I’m sure it impacts everyone in a different way.

In his lecture, Randy made it clear that he had always lived life to the fullest and would continue to do so every minute he had left. He was diagnosed with cancer and spoke more about life than death. Through his humorous presentation about his life experiences & dreams, he shares his joy of life just by living so joyfully. I know that I was crying on so many different levels. Just thinking about the lecture brings makes me tear up. I guess I know how I spent so much time worrying about useless things when I could’ve been living a little bit more. It’s definitely a reminder that life is more about quality, not quantity!

Well, check it out at:
http://www.cmu.edu/uls/journeys/randy-pausch/index.html