love and be loved

I have washed my hands of J. He joined match.com and dated 3 girls in a week, and slept with the one he liked least. I was so stunned when he told me this. It was his bday yesterday and I didn’t even wish him a happy day, I have just washed my hands of him, need a clean break. He was too confusing. I have a new friend at work and I told him I was having an unlucky week for love, and he said it wasn’t unlucky, it was just refining. I like that. And looking back, it was really a lucky week, because I have stopped pursuing someone who will never love me. My new friend said I have to understand that if I keep putting my key in the wrong lock, I’ll always be left outside.

Went to the Proms with J and I was dying to touch him, it was almost unbearable sitting so close to him and hearing the music, I felt full of love. So halfway through Firebird I took his arm and joy of joys – he linked his fingers through mine! After the concert he said I looked flushed, I was so excited and overwhelmed. When we walked outside I grabbed his hand and he rearranged my grip as he said he wanted to be in charge lol. Let lips do what hands do. O trespass sweetly urged!

I fell out with J this week. He said something incredibly offensive and insensitive during a phone call and I just couldn’t speak to him anymore. Next day he acted like it never happened and I told him how I felt and that I thought he should apologise. He was stubborn and said he hadn’t meant to be offensive and didn’t see the problem anyway. Last night he texted about something else and I replied that anytime he wanted to apologise was fine. He texted back that he was sorry and I replied that I love him. He replied that I’m a pain but he loves me too. :) My week has been full of love – last night my ballet class staged a surprise birthday party for our teacher during class, it was amazing and I’m so proud of us.

I internet chatted with M a little bit the other night. It’s so strange that all the feelings I had for him before just are not there anymore. I miss him for how things used to be. I don’t like the feeling of him being a stranger. He said it was good to talk and I think it was, the air is cleared a bit despite nothing being mentioned and only chitchat really. But I’m glad he is not lost. Perhaps I can draw him now.

I called him on Friday as a last ditch attempt at communication, after my letter and texts have gone unanswered. He didn’t pick up so I left a message saying I was calling to see how he is and that I was doing great and hoped to talk to him soon. He texted me at 3am saying he doesn’t have international calling on his phone anymore so he’ll call me from work on Monday. I wonder if he will.

So after all the tearing my heart out over M, talking to his gf every day (we’re getting to be good friends!) and not having heard from him since he got home 3 weeks ago… she thanked me for not sleeping with him. It turns out their relationship is not quite as he described it, basically she turns a blind eye to his affairs. She said she is grateful to me for respecting her existence.

I should totally write a book, this story has a new twist at every turn!

I just saw this film and for some reason, these lines really struck me.

We need a witness to our lives. There’s a billion people on the planet… I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things… all of it, all of the time, every day. You’re saying ‘Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness’.

For some reason it suddenly struck me when hearing this, that it sounds like a best friend, and friends grow apart, move on and are not forever. So maybe love is not forever either, and it is unrealistic to expect it to be so? Maybe M has it right after all, that one person cannot give you everything you need.

Food for thought.

For the past few days I have felt like every song is about about me and my heartbreak. Lyrics keep popping into my head all the time.

I fall in love too easily, I fall in love too fast.
I fall in love too terribly hard for love to ever last.

...........

Darn that dream
I dream each night you say you love me and hold me tight
But when I awake you’re out of sight
Oh, darn that dream

Darn your lips and darn your eyes
They lift me high above the moonlit sky
Then I tumble out of paradise
Oh, darn that dream

Darn that one track mind of mine
It can’t understand that you don’t care
Just to change the mood I’m in I’d welcome a nice old nightmare

Darn that dream
And bless it too
Without that dream I never would have you
But it haunts me and it won’t come true
Oh, darn that dream.

I am surprised at how much better I feel so soon. If I happened to fall into a stream now I’d get out. But I still get these wrenching pangs sometimes, where I see his face close to mine, smiling, and remember his kisses, now so sweet, now so passion-filled, now languorous, now wild.

A million kisses to my skin.

I looked up star signs because he told me I’m a typical Gemini, and I wanted to see what his personality is, turns out he’s a typical Scorpio. I don’t really believe in astrology but my gosh sometimes it seems so accurate!

It won’t help much to try to resist this man, once the flame has been stirred and he’s decided he wants you. He’ll hypnotize you right out of all your good intentions. The magnetism of Scorpio men is almost tangible. You feel you can reach out and touch it. When you do, you may get a surprise. It will bum you only if you’re over-sensitive and scorchable. If you’re patient and strong, it will be like touching cool marble. Girls are out of their league with him. It takes a brave woman to fly with the eagle and not crash. He can soar higher than his symbolic bright star Antares in the constellation of Scorpio, then dip down suddenly to earthy expression. Hang on tightly, but keep your eyes open wide, and you’ll see horizons with him the timid will never see. Look over there, just beyond the tall fir trees-did you ever in your whole life experience such a sunrise? Sunset will be just as grand.

Oh my. I actually told him I found him magnetic. So it’s not my fault! It’s his star sign! He sure hypnotised me out of my good intentions. (Well, not all of them! I kind of wish he had, now. I need to make a goal about not having regrets.)

There are only four questions of value in life, Don Octavio. What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for, and what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same: only love.