To live instead of exist

I had a great day today! Went to meet up with two friends, went to a new cafe and had hot chocolate and a flapjack. We were there about two hours! It was so relaxing just sitting and chatting like we’d never been apart. We stood outside deciding which way to go next, it was cold and windy and a strong gust actually blew us away, we lost our footing! We got our photo taken in a photo booth, it is a really nice picture of the three of us crammed into the booth, smiling. On my way home, after I had left my friends, I stopped by a new sweet shop which is the best shop ever! It was quite overwhelming, a small shop with two floors, connected by a spiral staircase through the middle of the shop, with steps painted alternately brown and cream, like chocolate. One wall was lined with jars of sweets, I spent a long time looking at them and deciding what to buy. I chose alphabet letters and edinburgh rock and was shocked to be asked if I would like 100g of each – not having bought sweets from a jar since childhood, I only know sweets in ounces! As I went to pay, I noticed a jar on the glass counter full of tiny chocolate cups – how many years since I have had one of those?! As I left I told the assistant what a great shop it is, it brought back so many memories for me. In the evening I watched Strictly. What a great day.

Today I met up with a friend after work and went for hot chocolate with marshmallows! So delicious, and so good to catch up with her. We cycled home together afterwards and reminisced about how we used to cycle home together after ballet classes, we must have taken that route hundreds of times, summer and winter, sun and rain. That’s how you get to know someone, spending seemingly insignificant time together. I miss that.

On my way home from work yesterday I meant to stop by the supermarket but got distracted by the record store next door. I was browsing and felt right at home, looking cool with red hair, satchel and school coat. I recognised Eddie Vedder’s voice singing and I made a note to look up the song later “once upon a time I could control myself”. Then Even Flow came on and I was all, “hey I know this!”. Followed by Alive, and I was sold, picked up Ten from the rack and took it to the counter, conspiratorial beam on my face, I was sure the assistant knew we were having a Nick Hornby moment right there. Haven’t heard Pearl Jam for 15 years, since a school friend and I used to argue over who was better, her favourites PJ or mine, Crowded House. Funny, years later Vedder and Finn make records together! I know someday you’ll have a beautiful life, I know you’ll be a star – in somebody else’s sky. Why can’t it be mine?

I feel like all I’m doing at the moment is work. I only work office hours but after almost 6 months I am so exhausted that a weekend is no longer long enough to recharge my batteries. I have made a plan for a holiday – a huge plan which involves spending an entire month’s wages on taking a flight to NZ to visit a friend who I miss like crazy. This is getting to be quite a theme – last year I worked in the USA in order to visit friends I missed. Not going to quit my job this time though!

I saw two butterflies playing together for a long time. They reminded me how simple happiness can be – I had tears in my eyes.

A new friend at work made me a cd of Tori Amos songs and I have fallen in love with the music, totally smitten! I love it when things come along at the perfect moment, never coincidence but fate. She is like the sister I never had, she feels things as deeply as I do. From her I am learning how to be a woman.

Firstly I am loving doing my hair and make up before work, it makes me feel great to look polished.

Secondly I was taking calls alone at work today and felt like I knew what I was doing.

Thirdly I went to my old coffee shop after work and saw one of my favourite ex-colleagues and had a good chat with him.

Fourthly one of my old customers saw me through the window when I was there so I ran outside and had a good chat with him – after making his coffee for 4 years, I hadn’t seen him in almost a year!

Fifthly I bought some cakes on my way home which were on sale.

Sixthly I got the first volume of À la recherche du temps perdu in the post.

Today I had lunch with a friend I hadn’t seen for 3 months, it was good to see her and good to talk, be out, do something new, feel like my own person.

I also bought nice lingerie, which definitely counts as living!

I had tea this afternoon with three friends I hadn’t seen in months. It was wonderful to catch up. With some people the friendship is so strong that it feels like you have never been apart. So I think it is these friends I should see more!

I had a good day today. My family is out and I got a ton of things done – cleaning, laundry, baking, plus I cooked myself dinner, which I burned lol. And I somehow managed to slice off a fingernail when I was peeling the vegetables too (into the compost bin, not into the roasting pan!). I made sage and onion stuffing (from a packet) and roast potato and carrot with rosemary and chili seasoned sweet potato fries. I was watching The Railway Children and got distracted. I love that film. Oh and I brushed one of the guest cats.