decide what the hell I would like to do with the rest of my life

Latest idea is to open a cake shop, after starting an imaginary baking club with a friend – Bonjour Patissier Francophone!

I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn’t quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn’t make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.

Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

as I am not sure I can make a decision or whether things just happen. I think what I meant by taking on the goal was to take a step like applying to go back to college or something like that.

I will keep the goal a bit longer while I think about it some more.

I kind of veer between being happy to go along with whatever happens to me in my life and trusting in the universe, to thinking that I really should have a plan and a career. Although to be honest the plan and career thoughts are not coming from me, but my parents and society in general.

People say that I’m a lovely person, I wonder why it is necessary to be more than that, like be a “success” whatever that means.