find my faith

I’m so scared today. I’ve had the same terrible feeling in deep in the pit of my stomach for days and all I can do is sit around and wait for whatever is going to happen to happen. It’s like waiting for a bus while you sit on hot coals.

My phone is dead and I have no news about my friend’s surgery. I have no idea if she’s okay, or if she’s out. Are there complications? Is she still alive? It’s all so consuming.

The only thing keeping me together is what hippiechick suggested. Just pray and hope for the best. I don’t know if it’s working or not but I can say one thing, it’s much better than chewing my nails.

To find the church I used to love as a child when everyone seems to want to progress. Alternative just isn’t the same as traditional.

Did you ever have those times when you think you about to lose someone close?

I’ve been having that feeling all for the past week. Ever since this whole…drama went down, I’m suddenly always alone. I don’t know whats worse the fact I’m always alone in a house full of people or the fact I won’t do anything about it.

Today is my father’s birthday…and that’s the one thing that has been flooding my mind all day. I keep asking myself what I would do today if my father were still alive. Would I call him and wish him a happy birthday? Would I have taken him to lunch? Would I even want to send him a card? Or would I just ignore it all together?

What would I do if my father were still alive? That question has stayed in my thoughts for years now. I keep thinking maybe I could have reconnected with him at some point and had the father I secretly longed for all my life. I keep thinking back to when I was a child and how I would day dream of the “father daughter moments” I was missing out on. I ask myself what kind of person would I be if he was actually in my life?

All these “what ifs” and “maybes” build up in my mind and it hurts to know that I won’t ever have those moments or that I will never truly know the man who helped bring me into the world.

It hurts so much to think about all the times I had pushed him away. I can pray all I want for another chance and I will never get that chance. I will never have those moments I’ve dreamed of and I will never know what kind of person I would be if I had just tried.

I was sitting in my living room the other day and a song came on the radio. “The blower’s daughter” By Damien Rice a very beautiful song. I was sort of spacing out, staring at this pack of Marbello cigarettes, I had a sudden flash back to a man named Lance. He was a very good friend of my mom’s and admittedly my only father figure as a child, he died of AIDS.

I thought back to all those times he would walk around the house in his underwear with his sunglasses on and an unlit cig hanging so carelessly from his mouth. I thought about every time he and my mom would laugh about nothing in particular and how I wished so much that I could hear his voice again. (I’ve long since forgotten what he sounds like) And the warmth of his embrace, I think I miss that most of all.

All these thoughts rushed so quickly into my mind all I could do was cry. I couldn’t help but look at that red and white box and think of him, I wished he could see me now. His little chicken all grown up and having already left the nest, I could help but wonder if he would be proud of me or what he would say to cheer me up at that very moment.

It made me dislike God to think about all those times and what could have been. But I guess I can’t be mad about it now, it’s been…10 years? Maybe more, since he died and that was my first time crying about it. It felt good to finally let it out, so now it’s a standing question. Is this a set back in my goal or a step forward?

I guess I really should be thanking God right now. Tonight my sister got into a car accident, the whole trip to the hospital all I could think about was the conversation I had had with her while on my break at school, and how bad I felt for not telling her how much I loved her before we hung up.

Lucky for all of us, my sister is just fine. But I couldn’t help but think I shouldn’t take my anger out on God, things happen for a reason and I just need to deal with that fact. But I am thankful that my sister is okay. I have no idea what I would do without her.

This past week I thought she was coming down with parvo, when the tests came back negative we thought it was just that she had a sensitive stomach. Last night she stopped eating all together. She wouldn’t even touch her food, when we put it in her mouth she wouldn’t swallow it or spit it out. It’s like she didn’t even care. We all talked about it today and decided that it was best we put her to sleep.

Right now, I’m mad at God. I keep asking myself “why would God bring such a sweet and loving dog into the world just to make her a sick all the time and then take her away before she even had the chance to truly enjoy life?” I just don’t understand why God would do things like this.

“And forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those
who trespass against us”

When I was a child the family would go to church on sundays, I would wait anxiously for the “our father” prayer. (as I always called it) The section above was the part I liked most, though in the methodist church I went to the prayer was said much differently then what most people would know. But either way it was…okay still is, my favorite prayer. After our church going started to fade so did my faith until it was gone completely.

It’s only recently that I find I miss those sunday mornings when I would sit on the edge of my seat waiting for my favorite prayer. I actually miss a lot of things, but mostly I find myself thinking about church.

I had gone back on Christmas eve to see if I could stop this longing I’ve had for some time now but found that the church I used to know and love had abandon its conventional ways and…literally “jazzed” it up…call me old fashioned but I guess I just like the conventional church better.