get over someone who is over me

My older brother saw my ex in a gas station the other week, and proceeded to talk to him and get his new number and now they might hang out… when he told me this I felt like my heart had fallen to the floor… I am not sure why… all I know is that I don’t want to know anything about the life that he is living now without me… I don’t want to know how he is doing and how he has moved on… When things were said and done and over that is where my thoughts of him want to stay… no new memories and little bits of information to muddle up the memories that I obsess about… When someone brings up his name it just brings up all these feelings… it is hard to describe… like a panicked scared feeling and it froze me to the spot… only for a moment… but a moment too long…

Woke up this morning in the middle of having a dream about him… was super bummed for awhile… one of those dreams that seem so real… but the dreams are never really good ones and they often leave me with an empty feeling… even my sub conscious is not “over” him… I wonder what the purpose of dreaming about him is… sure doesn’t seem to help anything.

Gave my number Friday night to a cute bouncer and I got a call the next day but didn’t answer my phone… I justify it by saying that I am shy and I’ll answer it if they call again.. but deep inside I know that it is a lie… I could start a relationship if I wanted to.. I could begin again if I just tried a little harder…sigh

I am the one that told you to walk away… I am the one mostly to blame for the way things ended… I am the one who thought it wasn’t worth the effort anymore… I am the one who couldn’t do what needed to be done to keep our love alive… I am the one who threw it away…. so why am i the one still standing here… why am I the one still holding on… why am I the one that still dreams of you and wakes up at night with tears in my eyes…

you try not to remember
but you do
you try to forget
it keeps coming back to you
how can I be haunted when you still alive
how can I be exhaulted
when im running out of time

when i stand in the shower
i fall to the floor
when i start a new relationship
i run to the door
i think of you each and every
time it rains
and i wonder
do you.. even remember my name

what’s done is done
can’t be undone
no future none

How can I get over what myself won’t let me get over?