The most beautiful guy on campus, who I’ve admired on a strictly aesthetic basis for 3 years, started dating someone I’m acquainted with but not close to. I should take joy in the fact that they’re together, right? But all I feel is jealousy that I’m no where near as close to Hot Guy; that he’s on my radar and I’ve probably never crossed his.
Usually when I get jealous I just rack up my personal failures to incompetency or a different hand in life. That sometimes depresses me, but it doesn’t fill me with rage. Beautiful people, on the other hand, did nothing to earn their status, and, unless they’re stupid, their hand is infinitely better than mine because people like me will faun over them and obsess and write blog entries on “43 Things.”
It makes me envious because even though their beauty makes me think about them all the time, their personalities are so far removed from mine that they form an inner circle impenetrable to me, even though I think about penetrating it over and over and over again.
I guess I need to know how to stop, but I desire to know how to gain them.
