overcome anxiety

I really think a lot of my anxiety was brought on by situations and people in my life who thought it was okay to scare the shit out of me to get me to do what they wanted. This includes my own mother.

Well, I refuse to be afraid anymore. I’ve found that I’m intelligent enough and creative enough that I can solve most of my life’s problems, but I can only solve them if I sit down and think calmly and rationally, almost trying to jade myself to the situation. I can’t solve anything if I’m curled up in a ball scared out of my mind, hyperventilating, crying, etc.

I think my anxiety disorder is situational and not related to my body chemistry or anything like that. So I probably will try meds to help me further overcome this, but I doubt I’ll need them long-term.

I’m at a point right now where there are no guarantees, where I am basically on my own (halfway by choice) for the first time in my life. I had always wanted self-sufficiency before, and the people I was dependent on (namely my parents…my fiance just bought me cigarettes and groceries occasionally) caused me more anxiety than I would have had if I were completely independent, but now I don’t really have a choice. Before I had to live how everyone else wanted me to because they paid the bills, but no more. I won’t be held hostage, and I won’t be caused undue stress because people want things done THEIR way and do everything they can to prevent me from becoming independent enough to get them done my way. If I screw up in school, I will probably never finish because I will lose my scholarship and my mother insists I move back home. Screw that. I am not leaving the city I love and the people I love, especially my fiance and my three best friends in the whole world, to go live in the shithole where I grew up. So the only thing to do is not screw up in school (starting to fear I already have, but there are student loans I can get, even without a co-signer, and I can probably get in-state tuition, as God knows I’ve been in this state long enough to have residency here) and find a way to support myself, as my fiance can barely support himself and, as evidenced by one of my other goals, is in some legal hot water right now, and I have taken it upon myself to get him out of it. I am, however, noting the many ways in which I AM secure. I am guaranteed a roof over my head and some semblance of food (meal plan at that) for the rest of the semester. After that time, I plan to be completely on my own. There is no room for mistakes. Because of that, I am looking at what I have and finding solutions, which is much more constructive than freaking out, and not something I’ve ever done before. I’ve never looked at the bills, seen that they were FAR beyond my means to pay that month, and found a way to do it anyway. I’ve never, when I received a call from a collections agency, checked my online bank statement to see that, though it was NSF, the bank covered it by transferring money from savings and charging me up the wazoo, and planned what I would say to the agency when they call back, because they’ve been calling every day for a week, and I am a bit nervous they’ll put a warrant out if I don’t deal with it soon, either by getting them to see that I am in the right or, because it’s a small amount, just setting up a deal with them to pay it off in a couple of weeks when I will have money. But I’m not really all that scared or anxious. I don’t have a stomachache over it.

And usually when I’m low on money, I swipe the card and hide in the corner until I know it went through. I was scared, so I actually confronted my fear, saw what I had, and made out a budget to get by on. Last night I missed my fiance, but I knew I was going to get to see him today, so rather than worry about him and cry, I hemmed my new pair of jeans so I could wear them for him, I cooked myself dinner, I watched TV, and I took a hot shower. I am dealing with things constructively! I am holding my head up high and dealing with things instead of letting them go because I am too paralyzed with fear to do anything. This is not like me at all, but I like it!

Lately I’ve been doing a lot better with my anxiety, but I still have yet to see the M.D. about getting on medication for it, because it turns out my counselor sent me to the wrong place. Long story. Anyway, so I’m not flipping out as frequently or as badly, but I’m not sure I’m dealing with it very well, just that maybe I have a new unhealthy way of dealing. Yesterday one of my best friends was arrested right in front of me for a warrant from something from a long, long time ago. Stupid thing, too. Nobody was hurt or stolen from, and it wasn’t even drug-related. If I could bail her out, I would, but they’ve got it trumped up to a felony, and it’s completely ridiculous. Anyway, the old me would have had a panic attack right there on the spot and not been able to move for about an hour. But for some reason I was able to watch it almost like a movie, dissociate from it. It was only when I stepped away and continued walking down the sidewalk that I started crying uncontrollably because I was upset. I didn’t have a panic attack, though. When I got home, I looked up her booking information, saw that I couldn’t bail her out, and decided I would at least make sure she had money on her books for candy or cigarettes (she doesn’t really smoke, but even so) and try to go see her in the next week or so. The old me would still be curled up in a ball shaking and crying.

Next week I am making time to go see the psychiatrist and get on some meds. I have GAD and ADHD, so basically I can never get anything done, and then I freak out and worry about all the stuff I couldn’t get done. I really don’t want to be on meds forever, but I’m at a point where I need all the help I can get, and therapy alone just isn’t cutting it. I have also found that the more I keep on top of things and the more organized environment I am in, the less anxious I am.