be less selfish

I can’t believe what I did to him yesterday. I just HAD to prove my point, that he can’t live without me, so when his concubine (that is what I will call that woman) asked me if I could get him something to eat for dinner, I told her I would and then turned my phone off. Not my problem anymore, that’s what I was thinking. Never mind that he hadn’t eaten in a really long time and probably had low sugar, etc.

THAT was selfish. Especially after I was bitching about how he looked like hell because she wasn’t making sure he had something to eat and was taking all his money.

I don’t really know HOW to be less selfish, and I am so sick of him telling me that I am the most selfish woman he’s ever met! Like he’s not selfish for some of the things he’s said and done? I’ll give him that he’s less selfish than I am because he’s a father and he has to be, and until recently was very good to me, but he’s not perfect, either. Like the [insert derogatory term here] he’s with isn’t selfish? Who does THAT to her own best friend other than a truly selfish, evil person, particularly when I found out the other day it wasn’t something that just happened, it was something she planned out of jealousy because I had something she didn’t that she wanted.

Other people’s selfishness should not deter me from working on myself, though. Right now I need to try to make things right with my soon-to-be ex-roommate. I’ve been an incredibly selfish roommate lately, and that’s part of why we won’t be living together too much longer.

If your family doesn’t approve of the way you’re living your life, and you tell them the truth instead of continuously lying to them and avoiding them, which is doing nothing but worrying them, and the truth upsets them, was it selfish to tell them? My brother says it is. To me it’s selfish of THEM to expect me to be their little puppet. My actions are only hurting them because they aren’t getting what they want.

My ex-fiance and my former best friend, who were briefly an item, had a falling out today. He’s blaming ME because I refuse to continue being friends with someone who would betray me as much as she has. As a result, her parents won’t let her out of the house when she lies and says she’s going to my apartment to see ME because they know I can’t stand her for what she did (I heard her own mother ask her over the phone if she’d even thought about MY feelings when she started dating him) and don’t really like the two of them being together. He actually had the nerve to say “You never even considered—’s feelings.” Okay, maybe calling her a bitch and a whore the day they got together wasn’t very nice. Other than that, I tolerated her. I allowed her in my home because I knew it made him happy to see her. Unless she crossed the line big time, I tolerated her as much as I could. Was I supposed to continue being friends with her like nothing ever happened? I tried that the first day she decided she was done with him. She swore up and down she really was. The next morning they were together again. I told her then that there wouldn’t be a next time, that if it ended between the two of them I wouldn’t help her see him again so she could do the same thing, that I wanted her out of my life. I had a feeling things were going sour, so last night I called her and told her as plainly and simply as possible that I don’t trust her, that I don’t want her calling my phone ever again or coming by my apartment, that if there’s anything of hers in the apartment to let my ex know and he’ll bring it to her, that I have no desire to ever be her friend, and that I’m not going to gossip about her at work but a quick hello is about as polite as I’m going to be. If I were truly selfish I think I would plan to ruin her reputation at work (and probably let slip that they should do a random drug test on her) when the only coworker of ours I’ve talked about this with she already told, which I knew, so I was talking to him because I needed a friend and not because I was telling him something he hadn’t already heard before. I would have called her parents and told them everything she’d ever done just to make SURE they never let her out of the house again. I think I’m well within normal, unselfish behavior not to want to be her friend. If I did, I’d either be stupid or the biggest doormat that ever lived.

I KNOW I’m selfish some of the time. I’ve tried to do things like make sure my guests don’t make a lot of noise and the kitchen and living room are picked up because I do have a roommate. I try to ask people how their day is going or about a problem I know they’re having. I say thank you when someone goes out of their way to help me. I have a long way to go, but I DON’T think what I just did is at all selfish.

I know that a lot of the time, I’m extremely selfish and don’t consider other people’s feelings at all. That is why I’m having a lot of problems in my life right now.

The other half the time, though, I’m the opposite. I let people take advantage of me. I have friends in high places and friends in low places. I had two friends who were VERY desperate, and I let them move in, only to have them mooch (they ate ALL my food, used my roommate’s conditioner without asking, actually stole from me to the point that it would have been a felony if I’d pressed charges, etc.). It took over a month for me to kick them out. The day before I finally did, making sure first that they’d found somewhere to go and weren’t going to be on the street, I told one of them that Mother Teresa would have given her the boot a long time ago.

The other night I felt like I’d found a balance when I found someone in a similar situation as the people I took in, and all I did was give him a place to stay for the night, make him some ramen noodles and burritos because he hadn’t eaten in three days, and make sure he had a warm place to go in the morning. I was, I think, unselfish, but I didn’t let him take advantage of me.

Most of the time I’m not that balanced, though. I’m either rude and thinking only of myself and my immediate needs, or I’m such a doormat that I get screwed over in a big way. My heart is in the right place, but I’m a very needy person, and I’m the only one looking out for me sometimes it seems.