Be accepted for who I am!

It’s almost Halloween and cos I’m into the spirit of the holiday, I usually put on some sort of headband with ears. Yesterday I put on some cat ears (today I’m wearing bunny ears). When I had on the cat ears, boyo’s best friend asked me what cat I was trying to be. I said me!

I’m surprised by that answer—for the longest I’ve felt uncomfortable in my skin, but now I feel good about myself. I’m also trying to let others be my friend, and try to be friendly, and it’s nice to have company. I’m still freaked out by being touched (only cos i’m highly sensitve to touch—someone could accidentally bump into me and it feels like I got knocked about). I desparately want to touch boyo and hug him frequently, but I can’t—it feels like I’m holding back. Maybe cos I love him so intensely that if i were to hug him, I won’t be able to let go.

I swear, I’ve had too much bad luck lately. Is someone cursing me that I don’t know about?? Well, hate on hater, cos you’re obviously jealous that I’m doing well (and I think I know who my hater is)!!

I had a laff at my roommate (the hater) cos yesterday I found out how bad his weekend was. I was feeling soooo badly cos everything seemed to be going wrong, yet my roommate wouldn’t/couldn’t sympathize. I said to the universe, I wish my roommate feels how I feel for one day, damn it! And he got it—for three agonizing days. He was not pleased. Seemed like everything just went wrong for him and man, did he have a righteous fit!

I think he realized how he’s been flaky to me lately when his friends flaked out on him. That’s what you get, hater.

I hate the scene I’m in. All they do is drink and party and I’m sick of it all. I’m sick of him hanging out with kids (they’re 18, some just turned 21). Right now, my roommate (my ex-best friend) is being an ass. He can’t accept the fact that I’m growing up, and he’s still acting like some teenager. He’s almost 30. Time to quit with the shit.

I’ve ignored him for 2 weeks, and now he’s picking on me to get a reaction. That’s childish. If you got something to say to me, then say it. Otherwise, leave me the hell alone.

My friend told me he’s pissed at me cos I refused him. I’ve said no to having sex with him 3 times altho I love him dearly (or used to). Then a few weeks ago, drunk and fooling around, I had to stop from going too far. He said, ‘Well, if we’re gonna be doing it, it’s gonan be just a fuck, and I don’t think you want that.’ I said yeah, cos I know he doesn’t love me and I wanted to be out of love. What I really wanted was some closeness, to be held, not to fuck. I tried to tell him this, but my brain is all stupid but I managed to get my message across. Apparently, he didn’t want it and left me in his room to sleep on the couch. I got up and told him again, but he pretended to sleep. Fine, that’s how it is, so I left him alone.

I ended up overhearing him telling his stupid friends that I’m angry at HIM for not fucking ME. WHAT THE FUCK? I don’t want you! what makes you think I’m angry at you? I’m angry at myself for thinking you were capapble of love so that’s why I avoided you. So his friends think this weakling is the shit now. Whatever. Have that skank you think you’re in love with. You are only with her cos you’re having regular sex. That’s not love. The only thing you love is beer, cigarettes, and drugs (weed, coke, X, etc).

I’m so angry that he won’t accept me for who I am, or his idiot friends. I’m not ‘hot’ enough. I got to straighten my hair, lose weight, wear better clothes. Stupid bastards! What makes you think you’re the shit? I got a good job and I can pay my bills while you are all scraping by and have your idiot girlfriends to support you. I’m sick of supporting him (he can’t pay the bills on time and has to pay me back). But he’s a smooth talker and will raise hell if I were to talk about leaving and he’s going to put me out where I’m the one that furnished everything in that supid apartment. He believes he has everyone wrapped around his finger. He’s gonna wake up one day and be alone cos people have had enough of his shit. I’m going to leave and not tell him. Pack up my shit and go, cos I know that dumbass will not listen to me. He’s going to twist everything I say and make me look like the bad person.

What makes it so bad is that we never fucked. I’m supposed to be his best friend, and he treats me like shit, yet his other so called friends he treats better. I’m thru with this.