change myself, twenty minutes at a time

is to regrow my spontaneity bone.

You know the one. It wiggles about and quivers in joyousness when I shout “Today we go to Kalapana!”

And then I throw sunscreen in the car, make sure I’ve got my driver’s license and gas money, maybe some water, a change into flatlander clothes, and jump in and head out.

is this waking all the way up in the middle of the night

and now, I am going to seek and mayhaps find that elusive sleep, most likely spilling sleep over into the morning hours while the pups do what they can to get me up

But how different am I?

Today I had an intent to do a certain task at the treehouse. But I ended up doing something completely different. I cleaned the car.

The car was really a mess. We use the Element for all the chore work, and certain people who shall remain nameless buy snack food and leave the dregs in there.

You cannot leave organic material in the car, especially here. So I used a Dr Bronners soap to clean the whole interior, after I swept it out. The dogs love the brooms, so we had some fun there.

Then I brought their bed out and put it on the fully reclined seats, and we went to the dinner benefit at the Cooper Center and the puppies lounged. It all worked beautifully.

So how am I different? I am a little cleaner by virtue of my car being clean. I am a little happier because my dogs had a fine spot to recline for the evening, not shoved together into their crate. And I did not have to cook or clean up afterwards, so yay! Now I am going to be fully decadent and go watch any show I want to on TV because we get to do that here. How crazy is that?

I had joined Toastmasters at work to get past that self consciousness that can make you feel so on-the-spot in front of a crowd. I was looking for jokes that could be told in a conservative politically-correct work environment and came across 43 Things.

How intriguing! What do I want to do with my life? The idea of actually publishing goals and tracking progress was super appealing to me. I had life plans but everything felt so back burner to me that it was like my dreams had fallen into quicksand.

43Things inspired my treehouse goal. The Hawaii move was always there. I hadn’t been doing much writing so felt disconnected from my core.

As this two year anniversary approaches check out the goal progress!

See a total eclipse of the sun. I think I retired that goal, but we have reservations in Tahiti for next year!

Offer an outstanding wedding destination. By the end of the month our wedding pavilion will ship from Bali. And be built in the rainforest in August!

Build a treehouse. Dang! I had no idea what a fantastic delightful project that would turn into and the build begins July 5.

Move to Hawaii. Need I say more!

Along the way there have been amazing people. Some of us have met in Chicago, Alameda, Emeryville. My daughter’s birthday present was made by Razz. Shelly did the parting gifts for my team at the office. There is one friendship that is a magical weaving that could only have happened in this very way. And now I write. Not just entries but poetry. And there is the novel I may or may not complete and publish.

And look at you all! Published novels and other books. Marriages. Joining regularly in lifting up anyone in need or wishing wonders on each other on our birthdays.

Is this not amazing?

There is so much filling every day routinely that change feels burdensome. It feels like adding in chores.

In truth, I am slow to get everyday tasks done, and quick to attack the new. It makes for disorder.

Stacks of the undone paralyze me. And they happen, when I leave town especially.

How to change this part of myself? How to find enthusiasm for the mail on the tabletop?

This is a slow goal

slower than the 20 minutes at a time implies.

that the tree trimming was concluded and the debris pile hauled away before Thanksgiving.

As I sit here, I wonder what changed about me, having undertaken that task. I may have gained some upper body strength, or I may have strained multiple parts of my upper body.

My honey definitely is still suffering, which means he gets extra time in on the massage table. Not a horrible fate.

I checked into a chipper purchase today. The one I want requires that the cut pieces dry out before going through the cutters or they will cause a green jam in there. I think I may see about renting a chipper that has nastier jaws.

This changing myself piece needs some sub goals, like

: walk 10000 steps a day or skip chocolate
: clean my bathroom or clean my desk
: get a haircut or skip the pedicure

Well, you see what I mean. For some reason I am better at chocolate and pedicures than haircuts and various cleaning chores.

But the trees are trimmed. And that was huge.

This means shortly we will fill up the car with the tools we need and drive out to the coast.

It was two months ago we decided to do this ourselves instead of paying a thousand dollars to someone else.

The changing myself part here is the two months aspect. There is no particular reason it has taken two months, other than that part of those two months my husband or I was out of town, and tree trimming is not a solitary activity.

What I am working on here is the change that will mean I do not put things off for no good reason. A surprising amount of tasks get into that bucket. The flip side is not making one’s self nuts trying to be on top of everything all the time. _{See how easy it is for me to justify putting things off, still?}

it is just one struggle. the constant striving for that balance point between “it sucks to be me” and “life is grand”, as if it ever was about me, ha ha ha!

Daughter A is about to leave for Spain for 3 months. She is giddy and off balance, teetering on the upper edge where she perches herself habitually.

She had a party at our place last night, where she and her sort-of boy friend drank whiskey and sang together while he played guitar. They did an inspired version of “Jackson”. Their friends have fancy tattoos & dreads and are conversational and really nice. No one got wasted, and there didn’t seem to be drugs, and that’s good. I think her friends must respect the precariousness of her…

She is more self aware – she commented on her state of mind a couple of times.

Here’s the thing – she is 24. She self-treats her bipolar disorder, which is the kind where she is a wild and crazy woman, amped up to that charismatic tension warp speed full throttle forward motion, making her own gravity as she goes. And she can crash like Icarus out of that place, and Spain is a big old long plane ride away.

Her friends though are looking out for her. I listened and watched, and it seems like her support system will extend all the way there for her.

Apparently my own contemplation of my daughter’s journey caused me to absentmindedly leave my wallet at the grocery store. It’s gone. No one is using my cards – maybe some kind person did not realize the address in there was two minutes away, and is opting to mail it to me.

Clearly the time has come for me to realize I have to mind my own Ps & Qs and stop feeling it is my daughter who needs looking after.

“Change the world, twenty minutes at a time”

For now, I am going to concentrate on changing me, on being that change I want to see in the world.

Starting with taking the dog out now… for at least 20 minutes.