Beat my depression

I feel so deflated and strung out.
I don’t want to do anything but smoke weed, eat, and watch television in my bed. Which I don’t think is a very good sign that I’m getting “better”...

i went out for my nightly smoke roughly half an hour ago
the wind is howling, and as i exhaled, i felt slightly in control
which is unusual,
as i never feel this way.

i enjoy the independence i have in university
and after spending a month back “home,”
i reached a point where i realized why i left:

i didn’t belong there.
and this vastness of my newfound youth and free will,
makes me wonder
if i’ll ever belong anywhere.

I am trying to deal with a somewhat traumatic experience that happened to me last month. I doubt I will be able to keep up with 43T as much but hope to be back full time within a few months.

To the darers, I will not be writing the December list. My recent emotions have been constricting my every decision and it’s becoming unbearable.
I will undoubtedly still send out the Secret Santa and holiday cards because I have made a large commitment to those goals, and money has already been invested.

I will try to complete a few other goals while I take a break.

And I will keep all of your words in my heart.
As I try to sort myself out.
And try to understand that I am not my problem.
Try to understand what the real problem is.

Cheers, Katie.

edit: I will not be completely off, but will definitely be on minimally.

Got around to going to the doctor’s and having him renew my prescription. I started losing focus on classes, feeling unmotivated. Was too lazy to just get a refill on my meds.

Glad I went.

I’m hoping my lack of motivation is because of my stopping Concerta so suddenly, because then I’ll get it back in no time.

Pffffffft, I’M SO TIRED.

I WILL GET THROUGH THIS.

What that person did to me will not stop me from being myself.

I WILL BE HAPPY.

...in time...

I’m trying to ignore it, because perhaps the severity of the situation won’t phase me. I just… can’t deal with it, if I fully realize the seriousness of it all.

I’m just a bit of a mess, this is NOT okay.

All I want to do is hold someone and give them all my love and maybe smoke a little and get drunk and make out and watch TV. And then maybe make out some more. And be happy.

And I need to stop letting my happiness be dependent upon others, but making people happy really makes me happy. And I feel like not having a romantic interest in my life makes me very unhappy.

But depression is not unhappiness.

Depression is a plague.

Maybe I can fake it.

Maybe I feel so sad so often because I constantly need to be validated by others to feel important. I need to realize my own significance in this world before any internal change can occur.

Psychiatrist wait is about 7 months.
I’ll pass.
Went to a physician today, got my prescriptions renewed.
Now to come up with 100 dollars to actually get the prescriptions.

:(