deserve my children

I know I said that I was done birthing children. I know I said I wanted to get tied.

But why then do I have this pressing urge to decide - apparently “for sure” - about the matter?

More longing started today when I heard this story on the radio from a local musician:

“Yeah, reviews are pretty tough. I can remember the second one I ever got was from my university’s paper. The music section had a review of my last show in the top right corner: “Music to Commit Suicide to.” Or maybe it was “Music to Kill Yourself to.”

The thing is that I picked up the paper from the garbage, there was a huge stack of them in there! Every garbage I passed had stacks of papers in there.

I found out later that my little brother had gone around campus finding the newspaper racks and dumping them in the garbage.”

OMG, is that not love? The love of a sibling is something that I find so powerful and want my children to experience. Would it not be more fantastically romantic with three instead of two? Surely, no?

But then there’s my self-imposed deadline: February 1, 2007.

That’s the last day that I can get pregnant for the rest of my life. I want to have kids early, help them on the road to fulfill their destinies, then move to an assisted living community for “active” retirees somewhere in Florida while I still have my health.

And then there’s adoption. Why can’t I just leave the birthing alone and go the adoption route? Frankly, I’m afraid of not passing muster. Aren’t there stringent rules about how adoptive parents should be? What they should do? How they should live? Isn’t there government intervention and social workers ready to pounce on our family’s privacy?

Heck, adopting a child is harder than birthing a child it seems. Or maybe I’m just being scared by the process (well, what I envision the process to be…I actually have no idea as I’m too scared to even ask for fear of being rejected before I start). Then, I’d have to consider birth order, gender, etc…

Oh dear! Number 3 - adopted or from my loins - are you in the cards?

...as my visit to the World OutGames with my daughter ended with one of the site director’s answering my question on where to find the karate competion this way:

“You mean…for the OutGames?” (as he looked down curiously at my daughter)

Uh ya…I know where we are :lol:

I’ve been itching to take my daughter to this, the first OutGames, since they announced it a few years ago. She decided on the karate. A good lesson in diversity and inclusiveness, methinks.

Today we took in a bit of water polo, volleyball and soccer.

Even stopped at the various kiosks to take in LGTBQ-friendly offerings (apparently sherbert, lipgloss, sunglasses, protein bars and condoms). Stopped short of the prophylactics booth though as I didn’t want to hear screams of delight, “Oh look, Mommy, just like the balloons we have at home!” Social services would have been called for sure.

We go back tomorrow.

My daughter is so patient with me. Turns out, she’s also some kind of genius. Alright, perhaps genius is a stretch but she has already been given the professional “I’m a shrink so I know of what I speak” go ahead to skip over kindergarten and head to Grade 1.

As a big believer in the “self taught” approach (at least I hope that’s a recognized approach), I didn’t worry much that she wasn’t reading books yet. No pressure. Now that she’s starting school in a matter of weeks, I want to prep her. Pressure.

Getting the shrink assessment was already traumatic for me as not all of them approve of skipping such small kids. Twice, I had to listen to a litany of “don’t do it” and “she’ll be scarred for life.” Now, as I look for a summer program to up her reading skills (Mommy has no shame in saying that, in addition to the self-taught approach, she has no patience to teach reading skills effectively) I’m getting the same flack.

People, I know about the dangers. Don’t think I don’t know, please. It’s so hard to have someone blather on about how you’re setting your child up for damage when you’re trying to do what’s best for them.

Despite the negatives, there are positives. Foremost of which is likely never getting…

“Does not play well with others”

...like her mother did on every report card due to interrupting class with what I thought were ingenious ways to conquer boredom after finishing classwork.

Leading up to this Fall is three years in the making. I’ve been scoping schools for THREE YEARS in the hopes that I’d avoid this kind of indecision. It didn’t work (but I’ve narrowed it down ot two schools) and now that she’s skipping I’m even more concerned about “setting her up for life” which is what I think elementary school is about. You know, laying the foundation for good learning and social skills as well as habits.

My heart literally beats faster and I have to catch my breath when I think about it all. Yeesh, I’m such a spazz.

I must say the requisite: My kids are great. They’re wonderful. They are slices of heaven.

I just want to do right by them and not have this overwhelming feeling of failure for every little thing that goes wrong in their lives.

Anyway, while I need to lay out some specific steps for this goal it’s been on my list for a while yet no entries. So here’s the first brainwave:

Run with my daughter and teach her the patience and endurance that it will take to run long distance (about 3K in her case).

I saw a brochure yesterday for a local half marathon race and there’s a cute 3K run for 7-14 year olds. She’s not that old yet, but she can train and build up to this over the next summer or so.

Based on my current experiences, this is the best I can offer her in terms of a life lesson right now. Gladly, she seems jazzed by the idea.