help transform my relationship into a "Super Power Couple"

While I love my partner, I loathe his dreams.

They are currently a source of overwhelming emotional and mental stress for me. I’m surprised that I’ve yet to cry, but I’m just about ready to let out a primal scream.

It got so bad a few weeks ago that I was having uncontrollable ticks: hands that shake involuntarily and a crazy intermittent head twitch. It got so bad that I even scared a little kid into crossing to the other side of the road (spent a few days indoors after that one).

Got that under control for a bit but it came back today.

I’m hyper-anxious/ultra-stressed. It’s really just hard to deal.

My partner’s chasing a dream that he thinks will help provide for our family but it’s currently a chaotic mess.

He means well, but the execution is faulty…to a fault. I brought this up to him a few months ago, during a previous iteration of his dream quest but I insulted him. I felt horrible to hear him share his fears and desires about being “The Provider.”

He’s got this cultural hunter/gatherer deal where he feels he needs to carry all the weight (of course, he doesn’t have to). And he carries a great deal, I won’t lie. It’s just that I’d much rather him be more available to me and the children. The consequences of that would be more bearable than what we’re dealing with now.

Did another relationship quiz the other day and not only am I “non-agreeable” I’m apparently a “rude partner.” Holy craptastic, I can’t even lie my way to a good result on these quizzes!

That being said, I need to temper my anxiety (maybe it’s just self-absorption).

I suppose I can let the dream live, though: go ahead and do the “hunter/gatherer” thing. The compromise - hopefully, it’s agreeable - is to abandon this pasture and try another. It’s driving me to madness.

In the past few weeks I’ve had a 180 shift in attitude about some things that I thought were pretty much immutable.

(1) I wanted a medium-sized detached house with greenspace for a treehouse. My partner wanted a multifamily dwelling so that we could rent out the other units. He’s been talking about it for years and now I agree. Not for the rental income but more for ecological/urban living reasons. This is HUGE for me! I figure, though, as long as there’s greenspace, I can be just as happy.

(2) I clean before I organize. My partner organizes before he cleans. I used to make fun of him about it but apparently, his approach is the correct way.

(3) Now I forget what it is but it was just as big in terms of mindshifting.

My partner was pleased with the shift, I suppose, but not as estatic as I thought he’d be (I think I expected fireworks and a light show). I guess he figured I’d come around in my own way eventually. He’s patient and I love him for it.

...as I can’t compete with the World Cup.

Case in point: I was washing dishes and he comes into the kitchen and says, “So, you’re okay?” to just show affection. Ahh, before I could answer he literally sprinted back to the bedroom (almost knocked over the baby, I think he actually hurdled him) to catch the slow-mo replay of whatever the announcer had just finished screaming about.

Despite this, I did my level best to support the cause by showing initiative and getting some flags for the car: Trinidad (the only West Indian team and they tied with Sweden today…Get someting’ ‘n wave!) and Ghana (my partner’s native land)

I came back with Trinidad and Togo (they don’t play for a few days yet)!

Oops…but like every African flag has got some combo of red/gold/green with a star.

Graphic: Top= Ghana, Bottom = Togo

Update: And – in my further defence – Ghana and Togo are neighboring countries.

Was his question today. Oh dear, he’s found out I’m frigid.

Fixed that right quick, followed by exaggerated attempts the remainder of the day at touching him (think crazed fan groping their fav rock star on stage).

...so “Super Power Couple” can’t be that far off.

This is the result of both of us talking to each other more about everything (finances being important to him and companionship being important to me) while making concerted efforts to be on that “same page.”

...he’s exercising now, too.

I found him one morning bending over at the waist, “Did you drop something, babe?” I asked. He looked at me sheepishly, “I’m exercising,” he said.

What kind of old man exercises are those?!?

Anyway, I took out the exercise mat and showed him some crunches that he could try. It was cute and we both agreed that I should probably call to increase his life insurance policy :-)

My membership at “super girly gym” finishes in a few weeks and we’re both looking forward to finding a gym that we can frequent together. We won’t train together (except for cardio, perhaps) but we’ll be there at the same time.

...based on an eHarmony profile for married couples that took me WAY too long to finish yesterday, I’ve learnt that there’s a word for my condition: Non-agreeable

Oh, is that how you say “-itch” in polite society?

Today was the first step in my trying to be agreeable The car seats were not properly installed…again. I buckled my son in his chair (at the time I thought it was installed fine) and let my daughter sit in the normal seat and drove slowly…we were late for school already. But I got mad when I saw that the baby seat wasn’t even buckled down. I mean, if I stopped suddenly my little dude would have flown out the front window!

It took 20 minutes parked in front of the house trying to calm down, and figure out how I was going to agreeably bring up the topic…again.

I did it. However, I must say that sometimes I’m feeling that this is all over the top. And I know feminists both dead and alive are flipping me the bird for my approach to this goal thus far.

I’m still into “Super Power Couple,” I really am. But I need to find a way to go about it that doesn’t have me feeling like I’m over-compromising myself.

This entry has now been renamed: “Project Leave It to Beaver”

I wanted to add this entry last night but I really couldn’t come up with three that I could do consistently. I figure this is worth a stab:

1) Iron his laundry
2) Say “please”, “thank you” and “sorry” more often and more sincerely (the sincerety being key here)
3) Not nag him about his night-owl hours or hold it against him

Hot damn; ALL of these are hard but things that I can do consistently that I think he’ll appreciate.

I’ll see if I’m off my rocker with this “Leave It to Beaver” approach in a month’s time :-)

African (well Ghanaian anyway from what I’m told) culture is such that direct eye contact is sometimes considered confrontational. Or at best formal.

Western culture is different; you look at the person you’re talking to. I used to always do that but haven’t for a long, long time. It’s very passive.

Well, I’m actively into making this a Super Power Couple so as of today I started looking at him. Really looking. Sheez, I hope I’m not freaking him out, but I’m trying to be attentive.

More importantly I’m trying to reestablish a deep connection. One that can only be achieved when I can really see you.

I’ll fill him in in the morning :-)

I’m quick to let the claws come out when provoked. That was Monday and I’ve since said sorry. In turn, he’s been less of a button pusher for some things (Amen, he washed the dishes yesterday).

I notice, too, that he’s since been more vocal about my assertive (read “ultra aggresive”) behaviour. Case in point, I HATE the phone. Yesterday, he passes me the phone without telling me who’s on the line just as I was getting ready to take a shower. I rolled my eyes, sighed lightly and took the call.

Once dressed, he asserted himself (this is rare, people) and said that he didn’t appreciate that.

Hmmmm, okay.

Now that’s actually progress…for him anyway.