be mindful

so i had a busy week at work. got a lot done, and got some positive feedback. i should praise myself for that (although at this instant it’s a challenge to do that). i still feel the constant pressure of getting stuff done.

it was an interesting week in that i was always around people for 2 1/2 days straight. under those circumstances it’s hard to be avoidant. you have to face the difficult things. now it’s saturday, i’m alone again, and i’m feeling avoidant again.

i apologize if this comes across as whiny. i’m just trying to be honest about my emotional state. ... what was it, those three questions? what am i thinking, what am i feeling, what am i doing? try to yoke those three together. there’s something comforting simply in thinking that way.

i’m not updating this thing daily like i planned to. (shrug)

there are work tasks hanging over my head. it’s saturday morning. work tasks, and work opportunities.

i see little gray area. it’s all black-and-white. either i Get It Done, and get it done wonderfully, or i don’t (and am holding back the company). of course there are gray areas in between, but it’s hard for me when working to keep moving forward when every little detail seems wrong.

dunno what the answer is, here.

i owe people emails.

it’s been a while. i’m a bit jittery right now. am trying to go off klonopin, an anti-anxiety drug. there have been good effects (am OK going on low amounts of sleep for short periods; this is exactly the sort of thing i was hoping to regain by quitting the klonopin) and bad effects (waking up in middle of night; one nightmare so far; i was extremely angry yesterday afternoon with no good reason).

i feel optimistic and pessimistic at once. also, sleepy. and, um, hungry.

had physical exam yesterday. i was (perhaps perversely) hoping that i would be diagnosed with a sleep disorder, or thyroid condition, or something. the fantasy, i guess, is that i could take a pill and suddenly have more energy or whatever. no dice. doctor thinks i’m in fine health physically, and the fatigue is either psychosomatic-avoidance or meds reaction.

what i’m thinking right now: thinking about getting to work so i can meet busy higher-ups. what i’m feeling: fear, over not having spent enough time on my tasks; associated fear that things will go wrong, and it’ll be my fault, and i’ll be blamed for not communicating properly on several levels. what i’m doing: writing stuff up in a 43T entry. getting ready to go to work.

how to align those things? i’m not entirely sure. i want to align things around getting stuff done. ... communication is a sore point. i have to be assertive with the busy higher-ups. they’re both nice guys, so this is easier than it would be in some cases.

deep breaths, meditative activity, simple consciousness never hurts either.

sunday night: had thai soup. i should not do that at night. did some late-night deadline work.

monday: running on about 4 hrs’ sleep, i made it to work, did a conference call, met with boss, went to gym, had a meeting in afternoon. it wasn’t extremely productive, and i was very jittery by the end of the day, but the fact that i made it through the day at all on 4 hrs’ sleep says something good.

i went home and vowed to catch up on sleep. and i did. 12 hours rest. it wasn’t all sleep, mind you – some of it was just can’t-get-to-sleep daydreaming – but it was something.

right now i’m thinking about the tasks/events that lie ahead of me today. i’m feeling scared, due mostly to not having much time to get work done – worry about work. i’m doing this 43T entry. how to get all three things (thinking, feeling, doing) aligned? post the entry, turn off the computer at home, get to work. be “meditative” all day today.

i went to area restaurant. had very tasty pancakes. then came home and SLEPT YET MORE. argh.

now i am hungry again. i feel physically weak, too. this is the sort of thing the good doctor and shrink will be hearing about this week. mood is not-so-great. i worry about this evening’s work meetings. not sure what to do.

what am i thinking? the things i wrote in my previous paragraph; also thinking about getting dinner at another area restaurant. what am i feeling? the things i wrote. what am i doing? writing about it all on 43things. i think i should point all three things (thinking, feeling, doing) in the direction of, GET FOOD. FILL STOMACH. then see how i feel after that.

i wasted time pleasantly last night. slept in this morning, got caught up on some correspondence.

at this instant, i am relaxed, but worried (when i think about it) about how much work i face. i am also quite hungry. no food in house. am thinking of going to area restaurant, then running errands (supplies shopping, groceries shopping).

i’ve got a physical exam this week, and a shrink appointment (my second with this shrink) as well. they’re going to get an earful from me at both places. it’ll be good to vent :)

yesterday i went to the seminar. it was pretty good. but i didn’t do much in the way of networking. mood/energy level not right (but i can’t explain that to my boss, can i?). drank coffee in afternoon, and this threw me off schedule. watched a dvd at night, stayed up late.

today i slept in. ate a big buffet lunch and slept some more. resisted sales tactics of guy at Verizon Wireless. am only belatedly getting my first caffeine of the day. i’m awake but lack the energy to do much of anything. i shall have to talk to doctor next wednesday at my physical about lack of energy, among other things.

i don’t know how i’m going to spend the evening this evening.

i was offline last night. what did i do yesterday? ... phone call, gym visit, moved to temporary new location in office, did freewriting about main project, spent time on making minor changes to a presentation.

today i had another phone call, a meeting with boss that led to more changes in presentation, lunch with coworkers, another meeting with boss, a trip to the pharmacy to pick up prescription refill, and a family get-together that left me feeling utterly terrified and shaken.

i don’t think anything serious happened at the family event. just a bunch of awkward moments, real and imagined, that i overreacted to.

i had resolved today to ask the boss for help with my job. i think the message partly got through to him. i will keep hammering away at it.

tomorrow i go to a one-day seminar thing. i’m not mentally ready for that. i think i’m going to get a good night’s sleep, as first priority.

... come to think of it, i had less than the usual amount of caffeine this morning. (no coffee, just 2 cups of tea.) i wonder what effect that had, if any, on how the rest of my day went.

did i really resolve to do this every night? anyway, i met with my boss this morning and set goals. they are ambitious goals. i have Responsibilities.

• what am i thinking?
• what am i feeling?
• what am i doing?

the idea is, to notice those three things, and then try to get them aligned. just the noticing is often helpful.

i also met with a new shrink. this is my first shrink visit with my new insurance. she seemed good.

late in the afternoon i got stuck on a problem. except maybe it was useful stuck-ness. like, maybe i had to think my way through this topic. it’s an important topic, after all. (shrug) i did get very frustrated toward the end.

in the evening i met up with a friend at a coffeehouse and played the card game Fluxx. the barista bore a certain resemblance to Jackie Onassis.

i took work home. i’m supposed to do these Urgent Things for work. i think i’m going to declare them non-urgent and get some sleep instead. i get the feeling i’m going to be scared tomorrow, but what can you do.