Overcome my eating disorder.

at the last weigh in, so i might not have to go to hospital if i keep this up, but ive been thinking alot of dark thoughts recently which might hold me back.

I wont share any of the thoughts here though incase they’re triggering or anything, but i have thought about the roots of my disorder:

-2 people close to me passing away when i was young, and i remember thinking i ‘want to suffer their cancer for them’,

-In the last 2 years, 4 other people have died, one of them i went to school with,

-addiction to the ‘high’ you get,

-always being the ‘nice/funny/best friend but nothing more,

-guilt for a good friend’s eating disorder,

-guilt and jelousy over other things,

-perfectionism over very trivial things such as writing, hair, clothes, i didnt used to care if i looked like a dick, but to me i was nearly perfect except for something else, you all know what.

-my (past) marijuana use being restricted by society

-maybe just growing up too fast in this nice modern world of friends being stabbed, muggings, gangs, drugs, dickheads who always wanna fight….. and this is something i can (or thought i could) control.

and the list goes on.

it feels like i’m waiting for a jury’s verdict.

i’m still waiting for the weigh in

i weighed earlier and ive lost 2lbs instead of gained like i was told to.

now i have to wait untill the weigh in later to see if i have to go hospital or not =/

ive got to gain 2 pounds by sunday or i will be handed over to the doctors =/

this morning marks the end of 5 days without food, or keeping it down.

i had to have breakfast today and i couldnt bring it up no matter how hard i tried, so i have to face the fact that it is inside me.

i’ve drunk 6lbs of water in a vain hope of flushing it out, but its not going to work.

im thinking about telling someone about this disorder, probably an ex i can trust as she has trusted me with things too and i know she will understand and listen.

a few hours ago i purged till i nearly passed out.

apparently i’ll have to see a doctor if my weight drops anymore, i want to get well but i don’t at the same time.

It’s like i don’t want to be ‘normal’

i dunno if this is good or not but i seemed to have maintained my weight, with a few pounds lost, and have only been purging about twice a week.

i have found i am okay at eating when i want to, not at a set time, e.g. not at dinnertime

just had my first meal in 3 days, felt like shit and purged it.

btw that icecream from earlier went straight down the sink as soon as it had melted.

ive only purged twice in the last week, but ive been going downhill in the last few days. i havent eaten a meal in 3 days, excpt for a few cornflakes, but now my parents have decided to bring home a mcflurry =|

i know its only an icecream, but just looking at it makes me feel sick. i havent touched mcdonalds in a year, last time i had a bite of a chicken nugget and was sick (not on purpose). i hate fast food.

i dont even really know what to do with the icrecream. it might just end up in the bin, but that’ll get my parents suspicious again.

i just purged my only meal today.