Overcome my eating disorder.

This is an addiction, one that i am going to face for the rest of my life. Sometimes i wonder whether i pushed it too far and it’s too late for me now, but i still have that tiny bit of hope, to be free and to recover, to not have to take pills everyday just to stay on my feet.

well i’m back here after a year of ‘recovering’, but i don’t honestly know if there’s a way out of this disorder. I can’t see a future for myself without anorexia, i can’t imagine just sitting down to eat or even enjoying food again. I’ve got ‘good’ things going for me in life, good grades, intelligent and am always told i can be what ever i want to be, but what if that is nothing? I guess i’m just in a bout of depression but this time there is no light at the end of the tunnel (fuck that sounds cheesy).

well i thought i had been ‘recovered’ since August, having a meal and a snack a day and managed to maintain my weight in a comfortable zone, i havent purged since early August but i can feel myself slipping.

I think a relapse is coming, it feels like there is another side of me trying to get out and it will do anything it can until it does. Recently Ive stopped feeling hungry, i’ve become aggresive and started to shout at people unexpectedly and then take any anger and frustration out on myself by, well you know, doing what an anorexic does best =( .

I havent starved myself much recently, and have been eating to try and keep my energy up, but i’m still scared that i might fall back into my disorder.

I think i just need to organise my life a bit.

music helps, loads

i find a track with no vocals that has hope, but is neither sad or happy is best, and of course has a deep rolling bass….. i dunno why

i wouldn’t say im totally free from this but i’m alot better.

i went away for a few weeks and during my holiday/vacation i was required to have 3 meals a day, at first i was picking and only having lettuce and water but by the second week somethng had just ‘ticked’ in my head.

none of this seemed to matter anymore and i was ok with eating small meals (like what a 10 year old would have, but healthier), for the first time in what seems like an eternity i was having 3 meals a day without being forced, even though they were extremely healthy.

now 1 month on ive been alot better, i still dont eat potato or anthing sweet, and i will still find an excuse not to eat at least one thing on my plate (tastes weird or i dont like the color), but i’m eting and that matters.

i haven’t gained any weight since i stopped starving myself (i actually get scared when i begin to starve instead of enjoying it) and only weigh myself every 3 days, and when i look in the mirror i will still find things that are wrong and think i will never be perfect, but i think ive stepped in the right direction for recovery.

also if a doctor or a friend offers to help, accept it if you are comfortable in their prescence. I refused help and can’t help but think recovering will be easier if there is someone i can trust to talk about things and be understanding.

at the last weigh in, so i might not have to go to hospital if i keep this up, but ive been thinking alot of dark thoughts recently which might hold me back.

I wont share any of the thoughts here though incase they’re triggering or anything, but i have thought about the roots of my disorder:

-2 people close to me passing away when i was young, and i remember thinking i ‘want to suffer their cancer for them’,

-In the last 2 years, 4 other people have died, one of them i went to school with,

-addiction to the ‘high’ you get,

-always being the ‘nice/funny/best friend but nothing more,

-guilt for a good friend’s eating disorder,

-guilt and jelousy over other things,

-perfectionism over very trivial things such as writing, hair, clothes, i didnt used to care if i looked like a dick, but to me i was nearly perfect except for something else, you all know what.

-my (past) marijuana use being restricted by society

-maybe just growing up too fast in this nice modern world of friends being stabbed, muggings, gangs, drugs, dickheads who always wanna fight….. and this is something i can (or thought i could) control.

and the list goes on.

it feels like i’m waiting for a jury’s verdict.

i’m still waiting for the weigh in

i weighed earlier and ive lost 2lbs instead of gained like i was told to.

now i have to wait untill the weigh in later to see if i have to go hospital or not =/

ive got to gain 2 pounds by sunday or i will be handed over to the doctors =/

this morning marks the end of 5 days without food, or keeping it down.

i had to have breakfast today and i couldnt bring it up no matter how hard i tried, so i have to face the fact that it is inside me.

i’ve drunk 6lbs of water in a vain hope of flushing it out, but its not going to work.

im thinking about telling someone about this disorder, probably an ex i can trust as she has trusted me with things too and i know she will understand and listen.