Easily & Joyfully Make No Excuses, Be Aware, Be Deliberate

Okay, time to reveal this. Not sure if I will totally reveal everything here, but I began talking about it yesterday in my gratitudes. This would be a good place to talk about this, because it talks about making no excuses, being aware and being deliberate.

I felt that as long as I could fit into my clothes without busting out of them that I was okay in terms of my weight. WRONG!!!! It turns out that one CAN gain 15 lbs without moving up any sizes and without busting out of your clothes.

One might say, well, all your clothes are elastic. Nope. They are not. Most of my pants and shorts, with the exception of 2 cutoff pairs of sweats are all no give. Apparently I did not really gain (at least to the point where they were tight) enough here for them to not fit.

When I was 15 lbs lighter, they must’ve been really loose and as I did not gain quickly, this was like the frog boiled alive. Little by little without realizing it.

At most, honestly, I thought I was 5 lbs heavier. Wow, 15 lbs heavier!!! I took measurements yesterday with my tape measure and calipers (for bodyfat the latter). They were comparable to measurements I had before at this weight.

One of the things about being a medium boned structure with a lot of lean body mass, having more an hr glass figure, where when I gain weight, it really distributes itself all over, it’s much more of a challenge to see how much weight you can pack on.

As I look at pictures of myself, I can see I’m a little heavier, but I didn’t really see 15 lbs. Guess it was because I wasn’t in a bikini, which would’ve been way more noticeable. Guess another good thing is that it doesn’t look like it?

This will be the last time I discuss this like this. I am a bit horrified with this, but it is what it is. Unless I chop off an arm or leg, that weight is not going to disappear overnight. I am not going on any fad diets, weird eating things or exercise binges.

I started over a week ago back to working out, and with the exception of one day I allowed myself into being goaded to go excessive, the rest was good. I have the results from my VO2 test and O2 workouts for the next 4 weeks. I also, from my past documentation, have a host of workouts with Josh that I can refer back to and use and/or modify at will.

My eating has had far too much grains, so that will be nixed and replaced with high fiber veggies & lean proteins. Instead of eating 1-2 meals a day, I started going back to 5-7 meals yesterday.

Now, this probably won’t happen totally all in the next week. Right now, the goal is to get in 5-7 meals a day and begin aware of what I’m eating at those meals. I’m to be completely honest. I’m only, for now, going to track what I eat but now the quantities unless I can easily write it down. I will not be tracking calories unless I find I need to if I’m not losing anything in 2 months.

Did I say I was going to start back at my journaling? I am, resuming from my prior journal as it is very organized and I really just like that format a lot. It’s really for my benefit.

Yesterday my sleep was not good, so that impacted everything I did, so I am starting last night very deliberate in going to bed early. Goal is by 11 pm each night, but preferably before 10 pm.

Nixing negative self-talk and people who speak negatively. If anyone is interested in my journal, let me know. It is a private journal and I will send you an invitation via google, but I must know who you are. Message me here in 43T.

How much weight do I need to lose to get to my goal? My goal continues to be 15% bodyfat to get to that Wicked Weasel bikinis. I still have a few of my friends volunteering to buy me the bikinis, so that is still good incentive, as they have some really cute bikinis right now.

15% bodyfat is about 35-40 lbs of bodyfat that must come off. I’m about at 31-32% bodyfat right now. Yes, those are NOT pretty numbers, but I figure, living in truth is better. Had I done that with regards to this, I probably would have 15 fewer pounds to lose.

How will I track this here? I don’t want to be compulsive about things. I will continue the goal of the “Get Moving” that Revenge invited me to that I have been doing for my fitness without being too detailed, just saying that I’m exercising.

Will note things like eating, sleep, etc here as I don’t like to have a goals list of too many goals. Will I take before and after pics. Yes, but probably not publically posted. Not sure if even I’ll post in my blog. Maybe I’ll just keep on my computer until I make good progress and don’t feel so self-conscious.

As I’m aware that my finances are not in the greatest shape, what is resulting about all this is I am finally scrutinizing things as I would in my trades. I am deeply aware of how much money I have left, what some of my choices are (albiet not things I’m dreaming to do), the economy, my desires/skills, my children, and what God wants—not necessarily in that order.

I’ve been nearly daily and sometimes multiple times a day going to my online banking account as well as some of my credit card stuff, to see which stuff has been cleared, pending, and hasn’t shown up yet. I’ve been putting my stuff in Quicken, forecasting my expenses for the month, budgeting things and declining things where they do not meet my budget, even if it’s only for a few dollars.

Last night, I was asked God to give me a word. I flipped through my Bible and started in the Old Testament quickly. I then came upon Luke 16:1-28. This is the parable of the shrewd manager. I actually passed over this and came back to it, as I felt God wanted me to read this passage.

It talked about how this manager was going to get fired, but he made up for it by being creative as to how he would get debtors to pay up. He figured some was better than nothing. That really spoke to me with regards to my debts and I saw what I was doing as a clear sign as a go ahead.

In verse 10, it talks about whomever God can entrust a little to and manages that well, He can entrust more to. Well, I really do not have much now, whereas once I had a great deal. So, I’m learning to be shrewd and manage what little I have well.

This week it was not in my budget to get housecleaning done, which I don’t remember the last time I truly cleaned my house. It was well before I had children, but I did it last night. Not where I wanted to be. But, my home is clean today and there is fresh air.

God is still good and He does provide. I could make excuses and gripe, but what’s the point. I am aware of my situation, my finances, what I need to make in trading, and I’m being deliberate in my actions.

Well, gotta run.

Thanks to some creep, parthi88_65, making lewd comments on my Flickr photos, I’ve decided that only people who show up as my “Friends” or “Family” in my Contacts list will be able to view my photos.

I will only put people in this category if I know them through here and trust them. Sorry, yes, that person ruined it as the comments were not good. He (or she) didn’t just do it to me, but to other women, too.

Now that I’m aware there are creeps out there and now coming to me, just going to make it a little harder.

Today has been a pretty good day. Physically I’m feeling pretty good and I totally praise God for this. My back/neck is a little sore, but overall, it’s 95% better than it was on Tuesday. Yay, God!!!

There were a few moments today where my thoughts really wanted to go into a griping, complaining, disgruntled mode with Henry, but as I submitted my thoughts to Jesus, those bad thoughts no longer had power over me as they have been. This was really cool to see that power shriveling up like a dried up raisin.

There were also times today I so wanted to bash myself for my appearance, fitness, and trading, but I just told myself that I am a child of the Almighty King, dearly beloved. It was strange that it seemed like this veil lifted over me that gave me a lightness today. This is so cool

This allowed me to focus on my trading, even though I did not do any funded trades, only paper.

Here’s what I did today being aware, deliberate, making no excuses:

• returned library books
• renewed one book online that could not be found
• deposited money in my checking to cover expenses
• managed a bunch of trades
• did some teaching of daytrading
• volunteered for Sean’s class
• played with Sean
• worked out at the gym
• picked up Hannalee from cheerleading
• worked on my Bible study stuff
• did some blogging
• in another trading class as an attendee
• listened to some motivational & inspirational stuff
• got some laundry & dishes done
• did some cooking
• had a nice worship time
• returned phone calls
• returned emails

That was my day focused. And, I didn’t rush through anything, feeling like I had plenty of time to do things and enjoy things. So cool. Very deliberate.

I wrestled in the middle of the night with a host of things, which kept me awake. One of them was the fact of being single again and how much I dreaded and feared that.

Yet, when I began putting things into perspective, putting my focus on God and not on myself or things happening, it became much clearer. Are the things I’m doing lifting me up, making me the focus or are they making God the focus?

As I was reading about my INTJ and INFP personality, one of the things I didn’t read or click with me in the past was I did not like the flirting and dating type games. It’s not a part of my personality and that’s perfectly okay.

There were some areas of Facebook where I just spent a lot of time and I looked at those applications to see their usefulness in my walk with God, where I was in life and they didn’t seem to hold well, so upon waking to take my kids to school, I deleted a bunch of applications, including the 3 that were the biggest stumbling blocks to me.

The connections I make there are different than the ones here on Facebook, though there are crossovers. This site gives me an avenue to express in writing and to get feedback in a more deep and meaningful way.

The big YAY is being able to delete 3 specific applications!!!

I feel great anger, yet, the Holy Spirit which resides in me says to tell Him, to pour out my heart to Him. There is so much I want to write, but it would not be in my best interest and wise.

So, right now I am acknowledging all these feelings I have and placing all of them at the foot of the Cross. This world tells me I must write the wrongs, yes, I spell that right. As I need to document what is going on and begin playing dirty.

The verse in the Bible that say, “Vengeance is mine says the Lord” comes to mind, as well as “Live as peaceably as possible” (paraphrased). I’m also reminded even in my thoughts that God has forgiven me over and over.

In a sense as I lay all these things at the foot of the Cross, I recognize Jesus was not a passive person, but very proactive. There were times he just forgave and it seemed like there was not a real negative consequence. However, maybe there were and it’s not talked about in the Bible.

For example, the woman prostitute that he told her sins are forgiven, go sin no more. Now, I’m assuming this woman was repentent and remorseful for her actions. Though Jesus forgave her, it doesn’t say that everything was hunky dory. She could’ve been suffering from some STD’s or been so broken over all the men she’s been with. But, perhaps the forgiveness was the first part in dealing with healing for her?

Inspite of the injustices I feel I’m being dealt, how does a godly woman respond? To ignore my thoughts and feelings probably isn’t healthy. To dwell on them continually is probably destructive.

I must be on the right track because Satan is working really hard to derail me and not only that, destroy me. He does not have me and if I believe the Bible is true, He will never have me because I already belong to God.

Because of sin, because God gives free will, there are still consequences to choices and they do not necessarily have to be our own. We live in an imperfect world where things can and often are unfair.

The question now remains, what does God desire ME to do? It may be good and well that all these people give all this different advice, but in the end, it is my personal relationship with God and I am accountable for that.

So I get to experience firsthand being very offended not only by Henry, but by our legal system. I could play victim and just rollover and give up my rights and concede to everything that Henry wants, but I am the advocate for my children. God has made me the parent to provide for them. He gave Henry that right, too, but he is not providing for the minimal basic needs of food, water, shelter, safety for them.

Where is that line between vindication and what God wants me to do? Hannalee said to me a few times in the recent past, “Mommy, it’s hard being a kid.” I don’t really remember be a kid much, but I must role model for her being a Champion.

Champions are not born out of easy situations, but when tested through fire, they endure and come our purer. They are not without battle scars. My wounds are deep, but God sees them. He sees my tears. He CAN and DOES heal.

How do I know the Bible is true? As I have sought God and began righting the wrongs, making good choices no matter how challenging, forgiving, allowing God to speak and work in me, around me, etc, my heart has been greatly broken. Apparently there is more room for breaking because it continues. So, I must have areas of pride or something left.

Honestly I don’t know where I’m going to live in a month from, what will happen to my trading, finances, anything. I have staked literally everything to be obedient to God’s calling for my life. At nearly 40 yrs old, I have failed at 2 marriages, will shortly no longer be a homeowner, basically with nothing but my 2 children and some modest possessions of no value to anyone but me, and soon to be single, alone, with pretty big debt & tax burdens.

My goal is to “Easily and Joyfully Make No Excuses, Be Aware, Be Deliberate”. Make no excuses. What would a champion do? A champion would see these as opportunities to start anew in everything. She would see these as opportunities to God to work mightily as she holds fast to her faith in Jesus Christ so that when she succeeds, she will be able to say it was because of God and no one else.

She would be excited that the God who gave His only Son to die on the Cross for her sins would choose her to fulfill this extraordinary mission for His Kingdom. He calls her His daughter, dearly beloved. He knows the pain she is going through and He has to let her because it will develop and build her character to withstand the things that will come.

To whom much is given, much is required.

You don’t know what you will do, until you are confronted with the situation. You don’t understand the breadth and width of forgiveness until you have been greatly wronged, and you forgive. I see my sins before me, not as something God continually shoves in my face, rather I see what they did to Christ on the Cross and the penalty He paid for me. How could I not forgive?

The enemy, Satan, says that I have my rights. Christ had His rights and He laid them down, so I wouldn’t have to pay the true penalty. He bridged that gap between God and man. I am understanding more now my Salvation.

I do not have to live with guilt of screwing anyone over. Though it is incredibly challenging to fight against my own nature, the Holy Spirit who lives in me is working to develop my character so that I become more like Christ. So, I will praise Him right now.

If I am wrong and the Bible is false, then maybe I’m a fool for believing all this. So be it. But, my heart & soul believes with all its might it is not. There are just too many coincidences in my life.

I get back up one more time.

These are the things I need to get done today:

1. Ask for prayer
2. Organize my financial paperwork
3. Get all my “D” papers together
4. Dye my hair
5. Finish Cleansing Streams homework
6. Make dinner
7. Volunteer for Sean’s class
8. Attend Cleansing Streams Bible study
9. Layout clothes for tomorrow

On Saturday, Dora & Vincent took my kids to a picnic with their realty company for a few hours, which gave me the opportunity to sort through bills, paperwork and file them in my lateral cabinets. There are still some papers on the floor, but overall all that is organized.

Now I need to decide what to take to my “D” meeting on Tuesday and organize my paperwork today so Tuesday I can just go there after I take the kids to the sitter’s & school.

Honestly I didn’t feel like getting to the papers. But, I’m very glad I sucked it up and did it, as the express purpose of my sister & her husband taking my kids was to give me uninterrupted time to do this.

My desk is significantly cleared off and cleaner. I do need to wipe off all the dust.

- 3 scrambled eggs with zucchini & rice milk

- chicken tortilla soup w/cilantro, shredded cheese, avocado
- piece of multigrain bread w/butter

- slice of cheese

- ham & cheese sandwich with romaine lettuce & organic mayo

I’m going to just list what I’m eating for now and not amounts, times or anything. I’m working on not making excuses for why I do or do not do.

Will add to this throughout the day.

- scrambled eggs with rice milk, shredded cheese, zuccini
- small raspberry, chocolate buckwheat pancake

- a few raspberry, chocolate buckwheat pancakes

- walnut shrimp
- singapore noodles
- beef chow fun
- beijing porkchop
- beef hot pot
- potsticker
- spicy eggplant
- some chinese dessert
- fortune cookie