Never settle for less than what I really desire

I’m rolling this into other goals.

What do I really desire in my life? Complete alignment with God in His thinking and in my life. What is the cost? It’s cost me numerous friends, giving up all my rights, and what I cherished so deeply for something better.

Today I was thinking about a particular person that I’ve written about as I listened to prophetic sermons. It got me to thinking about the soul ties I had this with person that were not healthy.

There will come a time when I will no longer miss this person and this person will be a distant memory, even if this person did contribute to some really positive things in my life, was instrumental in some great breakthroughs and has seen me through so much turmoil. But, this last bit, he can’t see me through because of how our relationship is and that attraction thing.

I don’t think it’s right for a married man to foster a deep, emotionally intimate relationship with a woman other than his wife. It is wrong of him as well as the woman. It doesn’t matter whether his marriage is good or not, it is wrong. Maybe to some people these are justified and rationalized, and for you this would be okay, but it isn’t for me.

God does have standards not because He’s a cruel God, rather He is a just God and has great love for His people. He sets boundaries to ensure us freedom, not the prisons we put ourselves in. There are times I’ve felt enslaved to my own feelings for this person, not wanting to move forward, clinging to him. But, he isn’t a man to be had for the very reason and sake that he is married.

I know some people have the thoughts, “Well, if he divorced his wife . . . ” Do you think you could really trust someone like that? If he did it to her, what’s to say he wouldn’t do that to you?

I heard one of the single moms I know say recently, “If there’s a red flag, there’s most likely a parade that follows” or something to that affect. Obviously I cannot control other people, but I can control myself.

Last night I had an incredibly vivid dream of him, of us and it isn’t something I’m going to spell out in a public area. However, I do know the dream was not from God just by some things and today I confessed & repented of my dealings with this individual that were not right and our soul ties that bound us emotionally to God. I was wrong to dabble in this thinking I wouldn’t get burned.

I also did a renounciation prayer over the things that have happened in the physical and spiritual realm that I knew of and did not know of, and asked for God’s forgiveness and protection, as well as a host of other things.

I’m asking God to fill that sadness and void with His joy and His love. That is the only true lasting joy and love, as well as peace a person can have. There is sadness that I didn’t trust God to meet all my needs, and that I had to retionalize this and many other relationships to my detriment.

Maybe when this person comes to mind in the days, weeks, months ahead, that I would pray that he also align himself with God and live in his destiny for Him, and that any strongholds over Him, that he would willingly let God remove those and not dabble in things he ought not?

And, another thing that I’m to align with probably even more so is how I feel towards my ex. I cannot control him and I need to persistently pray for protection for my kids, especially when they are in his care. Those things eat at me and I do believe that right now, these past couple days, I’m sick because of it.

I was born to be healthy, vibrant, joyful, peaceful, to live in God’s abundance & grace, to live with boldness & courage, to live confidently in Christ. I am victorious and sometimes I wonder if I really believe that as I act defeated and downtrodden.

I have a girlfriend that I love so much that it hurts me that she is just settling, at least in my opinion. She’s so lonely. She’s been single longer than I have, for probably a decade. We share similar spiritual values & beliefs.

She excels in some areas where I need help in – clutter, organization. She’s fairly organized and doesn’t live with clutter. She’s a minimalist. It’s beyond my comprehension, but I think these are great traits.

After all this stuff with my ex, and seeing my past romantic relationships, I would rather be alone and single than be with the wrong man again. My standards are now pretty high in some areas and I realize I cannot settle for less than that.

There are things I can compromise on, but those would not be the things that are most important to me. Not everything is important, but there is a handful of things that are super important.

She was involved with this man that she was highly attracted to and vice versa, but he lacked self-control sexually and manipulated her repeatedly into having sex. Yes, she is a grown adult and can say “No” but her own loneliness caused her to compromise her values & beliefs.

For the past 1-2 yrs she’s told me all about him. I’ve never met him, but all I saw was someone not only using her sexually, but as a placeholder. She was willing to marry him if he would’ve said yes, not even asking her.

I guess for him, he wasn’t willing to settle, which is good for him. I don’t think women should throw themselves at men.

Okay, I’m not a guy, but I think if a guy really wants to be with you, you don’t have to trap or entice him. He wants to be with you and he will figure out a way to be with you. Is that true, guys?

When I say trap, I’m meaning more like begging him to be with you. Why should any woman beg a man whom there is no commitment for marriage to be with her? Why would a woman have to demean herself for any guy?

I want you now because you’ll give me sex, but after that, I don’t need you. I want you now because you can do something for me, but outside of that, leave me alone. I’ll be nice to you if I need something, but other than that, get the he** away from me.

Heck, I’ve been there and had that kind of man in my life romantically so often. It disgusts me that I thought so little of myself and was so messed up that I stooped that low. I deserved way better than any of those men.

I’m not saying a man has to kiss and worship the ground I walk on, but to be treated well, with respect constantly, to be cherished and made to feel special, not because you have to, rather because you want to.

Maybe I should talk with my married male friends who have excellent marriages what caused them to be attracted to their wives in the first place, how their wives contribute to making their marriages excellent.

I’m reading this book called “Project Everlasting” by Mat Boggs and two of the things that I notice that have kept these couples together is mutual respect and a mutual selfless love (to put your spouse’s needs above your own). MUTUAL is a key word.

Yeah, I know, I’m still attempting to allow God to help to forgive and workout these anger issues.

I desire to truly have freedom and victory in my life, but what does that mean? I need to reframe things, refrain from some things, and discipline my mind, body & emotions to make right choices.

This evening as I studied & prayed for my Sunday School class, as I teach 3-4 yr old for the month of April, I realized I forgot to get some supplies earlier in the week. It’s 7:30 pm and I am already in my jammies, prepared for bed. I really didn’t want to get dressed and go out to get the supplies I needed.

The Dollar Store is less than 2 miles away and I rationalized that I could stop by WalMart to get the supplies in the morning, however, it would cost me double or triple what it costs me from the Dollar Store.

One of the things I was worried about was that Sonic was so close by and did I really overcome not wanting tator tots? There was still a small part of me that wanted those tator tots, even after listening to Andy Stanley’s sermon.

I got what I needed from the Dollar Store, got back in my car and on the way home, seriously prayed to make good choices. Woohoo! I turned into my neighborhood instead of going straight ahead to Sonic. I know this sounds so trivial, but there are many things in life where we just may get lazy or ask if it will really make a difference, since it’s such a little thing.

However, when we compromise in the small things, it makes it easier to compromise in the bigger things. I celebrate and praise God for this other victory!! You rock, God, for giving me the strength to refrain from consuming tator tots.

In order to NOT settle for less than what I desire is to reframe, refrain, and discipline myself to make and choose right decisions, and to live in truth – God’s Truth!

Just as there is no perfect woman, there is no perfect man. However, as I continue to contemplate on this subject about what is right for me, having made my own errors and going through my own hardships, one of the things I realize is to learn to be content with what I have right now joyfully.

I just wanted to think about some of the wonderful single male friends that I have in my life:

JR – He’s been a good friend over the years. He probably knows me more intimately in an emotional & spiritual way than anyone. He loves & cares for me. He takes his relationship with God very seriously and is constantly growing here. He has a deep respect for me and has helped me realize my own worth, especially in the area of sexuality.

This has been a challenge for me to learn how to manage this well for my life, and in our society. He’s helped me to learn to respect and value myself better, without bringing on condemnation or guilt or any of it. He’s the only man in my life that takes this stand, and as a result, I feel very protected by him. It’s not some insane jealousy protection, rather like I’m his sister and he wants to make sure no harm comes to me.

SK – He’s the one that has been here being a friend and mentor to my kids for the past 3.5 yrs, taking his time to spend with us on a regular basis – doing fun things, bringing refreshment to our lives. I love that he loves the kids & I and is willing to take time out of his busy schedule to spend with us. The kids have felt so valued by him, as when my kids’ dad was so erratic with his behavior, SK was consistent. They saw a male who cared for them, set healthy boundaries, and boosted their self-esteems. He lets my kids be themselves, with appropriate boundaries.

JG – He’s been a wealth of support & wisdom, often talking to me during those horrible hours in the night when I needed someone to talk to, a godly influence. He’s financially been there for us so many times, helping be a provider. As I went through various court proceedings, he would basically hold my hand, pray for me, and physically be there to support me. I feel so very loved and cared for by JG. He has a great sense of financial responsibility & justice, and has helped me walk better here.

He’s also helped me to evaluate my own actions and take responsibility for myself, being accountable. He’s helped me to go through repentence of choices that I made that were against God, and helped restore me. He’s helped me walk through being so rejected & hurt, empowering, not enabling me.

MT – He’s a good leader and has always made me feel so included. Sometimes MT is such a redneck, but a redneck with such a kind heart. I don’t pour out my heart too much to MT, but I know I can. He’s faced many sorrows & pains in his life, and his consistency, leadership & walk with God has inspired me. I love how he lives out God’s Truth, inspite of his own inadequences & failings.

JL – He’s helped me out in so many practical ways, especially financially. I see him as a hard nut to crack as he doesn’t like hugs or to be physical, but that’s okay. He’s emotionally not really intimate with me, but he’s really come to my aid to help me in surprising ways. I know deep down he is really deep and I see his longing to get to a place that is much better, but in this place he’s in, there is a great humbleness & reliance on God. I see this as a real strength of his. He has such a kindness & compassion nature that has reached out in my time of need.

DR – This guy is a passionate go-getter for God. He has a tenacious, strong spirit and he’s a fantastic prayer warrior. He has helped me to get right back up to help others. I see him as a leader in prayer and this inspires me. I also saw him through his divorce and how he went through all that. He did it so eloquently and with grace, while I stumbled, got bruised, and a whole list of ugly things. I saw through him what happens when you just totally trust God. I also saw a great deal of forgiveness and love for his ex and that really helped me. He is a great encourager.

JF – He’s a lawyer and his marriage ended in divorce, unfortunately. He’s helping me learn to forgive, to let go and let God. I can see how JF has risen to what a man is when He has God as his strength, instead of doing things his way. He could’ve made it hard on his ex, but he didn’t. He keeps forgiving her and putting the kids first, even if she doesn’t want to. This inspires me to make better choices for my kids, and for me to rely on God.

Here are 7 single, godly men in my life whom greatly influence and help me see there are amazing men in this world. They are not perfect by any means, but they each have a relationship with Jesus Christ. All but one of them, I can see God working so prominently in their lives. But, each of these men strengthen my life to keep moving forward, not trusting in myself or others, rather than on God. I’m to keep my eyes on Him no matter what is happening.

Maybe the man I’m wanting in my life is a combination of all these men, but for now, I am blessed beyond measure to have these 7 men in my life who care so much for my kids and I, that we get the privilege of them sharing their lives with us. How awesome is that? Thank you God!

I desire to have a rich life, and after yesterday listening to Joyce Meyer who has this way of just bringing those conversations many of us have in our minds to audible voice and organizing those thoughts, I realize that I’ve been living in this shroud of yuck. It’s like I bring good things in like the gratitudes & blessings I do daily with my kids & then harbor anger, unforgiveness, easily offended, bitterness, complaining attitude.

What that’s like is sitting in a huge pile of poop (doesn’t matter what kind of poop – cow’s, dog’s, your own, other people’s, etc) and playing in it while doing your gratitudes, nice words, etc. Really, that’s what it is. Anyway you look at it, it’s crap, you smell, it’s nasty stuff.

Crap or Poop = unforgiveness, hate, anger, bitterness, being easily offended, complaining/whining/venting, selfishness, pride, impatience, indifference, dissatisfaction, etc.

If I in my own strength attempted to get rid of those things from my life, it would be pretty much impossible. Yes, I’m a nice person overall compared to a lot of people, but the fact remains that all that “crap” is still stuff that is in my life. It takes me really letting things go and asking God to really step in and be willing to allow Him to change me.

Having a rich life doesn’t necessarily mean you have all this material stuff, though you can, but having a rich life, to me, is independent of your circumstances, rather your state of mind, how you handle things & people, really, really lovingly accepting with joy every single day, not being controlled by your circumstances.

I can have this life. I want it!

I desire to look at my body and see it as God sees it – beautiful, no matter what I look like. Unfortunately, I don’t. However, I do think there is some progress made as there are fewer bad remarks. At least I can sort of look at my body when it’s naked in the mirror and not cringe.

Hopefully I can remember to pray and ask God to help me here and to use EFT.

I do take care of my body and usually eat healthy, natural things, or at least with as little processing as possible. My exercise has been not much in the past month. My knees are better and I need to get my butt back in gear with my workouts. Think there is some fear here that I need to address.

Last night when I couldn’t sleep because I messed up my sleep, I began reading this book for women about men. One of the things that it said that men value women who take care of their appearance. It doesn’t mean they have to be skinny with perfect bodies, but women who take care of themselves through making healthy choices, exercise, caring how they look is a very attractive thing.

For me, I love just being in workout clothes and sometimes just am in frumpy things, hair undone, no makeup. But, I do eat healthy & usually would be exercising. I’ve not met a man who told me that he would rather see me in makeup than not. In fact, a number of men had said they preferred me without makeup than makeup. My skin is speckled with freckles, but it is smooth and otherwise flawless.

Two things I’ve been blessed with were good teeth and good skin. I think maybe I’ve had 2-3 pimples in my whole life. Okay, that might be a slight exaggeration, but I’m pretty sure I’ve never had even 10 pimples total. My sister & I have always had great skin, as my mom has great skin. We inherited good skin from her as well as good teeth.

Maybe as I get older, I’m thinking that I want to be known as classy and not slutty or someone who is appearing to make herself look way too young. Although, in person, most people think I’m in my early 30s, which is about 10 yrs younger than I am. Maybe the healthy eating habits have contributed to this, and that I don’t smoke, drink or do drugs?

However, I don’t want to look older than I am, which I think some people dress way too old for their age. I was looking at some pictures of Suzanne Somers who is in her 60s and frankly, she looks super incredible. She looks amazing and I would not think she was that old if I didn’t know.

I want to look my own incredibleness for me now, when I’m 50, 60, 70, 80+.

I’m not sure how to title this entry and maybe it will come to me by the time I finish this post. There is this male friend I have whom I have become super great friends with the past 3.5 yrs. We became better friends after he moved than when he lived here. I came to my church in the summer of 2002 and he was already there. He moved away the end of summer 2007.

I would have to say that most of the time we talk, he always makes me laugh. I love him like a brother and feel very safe, protected, loved and cherished by him. He’s a couple years younger than me and is a super nice guy.

When I think about the right man for my life, he has many of those qualities that I want in a guy. He totally loves God and has this really intimate relationship with Him. He can understand what I aspire to in my walk with God. He knows all about me and still loves me.

He has a compassion, mercy and grace for me. He has a deep respect for me, and I think he views me like a little sister, at times. He’s able to speak Truth to me, but he’s always careful about my feelings.

The only super real issue here is that neither of us are romantically interested in each other, though, we have a great love for each other. I wonder if that makes a difference, though.

There are some things that he drives me crazy on and I don’t understand some things about him, and probably never will. He has a big heart for people. He’s been a loyal friend to me, listening, giving good advice or suggestions, but he’s not enabled me in wrong behaviors.

He’s helped me to better rise to who I ought to me, not as he thinks I should be, but who he knows I am. He believes in me through Christ. He has incredible integrity in his relationships with women and treats them with the utmost respect. He is close to his family, has plenty of close male friends. He has many friends, but also many close friendships.

He lives in KY, which is where he’s from. He loves that part of the country. I’m an AZian and this is where my family & heart is. Though he lived here for many years, I do not see him coming back except for periodic visits and I do not see myself going there.

I don’t have any hopes outside of friendship here for my friend. I guess I wish there was a man that I respected & loved as much I do my friend that I was romantically interested here. However, I really don’t want to be romantically involved with any man now and friendship is good.

It’s really important that he have super integrity, treat women well, be close to his family and have lots of healthy male friendships, have a heart for God, be health & fitness conscious, be very respectful of women, be a good financial provider, a protector, etc.

I really value integrity and I realize the men I’ve attracted into my life romantically never had integrity. Maybe there was a part of my energy that had holes in my own integrity. I think for a long time, I believed a lot of lies about whether I was worthy to have a man that loved me, would protect & provide for me.

Since I believed that lie, I attracted men who would tell me what I wanted, but they didn’t mean it. They lacked integrity with themselves, as I lacked integrity in my belief system.

Though I would not lie about things and was as honest as I could be, not stealing or any of that, I really depended more on myself to have integrity than on God being my source for integrity.

I realize now that my own integrity is also a lie, but God is Truth and He is not a liar. His standards are perfect and anything else is a lie.

Of course, you may disagree with me. That’s okay. We are all entitled to our own opinions.

I will observe men to see how they handle the situations in their lives and see if there is any integrity in it all, especially in those times where most slip up when the going gets rough. I’ve slipped up. Let’s see how they own up to their slipups.

With true integrity, I do believe you need humility.

This doesn’t just apply to me, but for every single person. God does not want people to accept crap for their lives. Guess crap isn’t such a nice word for me to use, eh? Bad habit.

I’m not accepting the garbage the enemy is dishing out to me.

Psalm 18:31-42 (the Message translation) says,

31-42 Is there any god like God? 
     Are we not at bedrock? 
  Is not this the God who armed me, 
     then aimed me in the right direction? 
  Now I run like a deer; 
     I'm king of the mountain. 
  He shows me how to fight; 
     I can bend a bronze bow! 
  You protect me with salvation-armor; 
     you hold me up with a firm hand, 
     caress me with your gentle ways. 
  You cleared the ground under me 
     so my footing was firm. 
  When I chased my enemies I caught them; 
     I didn't let go till they were dead men. 
  I nailed them; they were down for good; 
     then I walked all over them. 
  You armed me well for this fight, 
     you smashed the upstarts. 
  You made my enemies turn tail, 
     and I wiped out the haters. 
  They cried "uncle" 
     but Uncle didn't come; 
  They yelled for God 
     and got no for an answer. 
  I ground them to dust; they gusted in the wind. 
     I threw them out, like garbage in the gutter.

This is pretty powerful. I’d been complaining, scared, fearful of all these things. Since I believe God’s Word to be completely true, this tells me that I have power over my enemy.

Today forward, I will not allow the enemy to destroy God’s destiny for the lives of my children and I.