admit what I really want

I really want a job, to work, to make money. I am looking at all sorts of things for work right now. But, ultimately, I do want to be making 6-figures again. Not sure what it will take.

Right now, I just need to be making money, even if it is not a lot. I am also working on changing my emotional energy so I attract people to me that can make this possible for me.

God, please help me.

I really want to be married to GV, for us living in the same place, in a home of our own, a nice home in the location we’d love, with a great yard (front & back) to entertain & enjoy, a nice large kitchen that is functional for the way I love to cook, a beautiful place that is just the right size for GV, the kids and I – very livable, inviting, cozy, spacious . . . everything.

It is a challenge to do so much driving, but I am very grateful that I get to spend so much time with GV. It’s wonderful . . . heavenly. Leaving at nights is really challenging, going home to an empty bed.

I really want for 100% of Americans that can vote to vote. I know this won’t happen, and it ticks me off. As I see how much effort it took for GV to get here, he would LOVE to vote, even for sheriff here in the valley.

He is informed and he isn’t even an American citizen.

How very sad that some Americans don’t realize the privilege it is to vote. I hard one of my childhood classmates stood in line for over 3 hrs to vote. I only waited in line maybe 5 min. and I wouldn’t have had I stood in the right lane.

With GV now here, being the only driver, 2 homes where we both are living with other people – I soooooo want to be married to him and to have our own home, and for him to drive. He does want to learn to drive before we are married, which would help immensely, even if he doesn’t have a car.

There’s always the lovemaking thing which I’m looking so forward to. He has the best touch that relaxes me so much. My first husband liked to touch a lot, but he didn’t like sex. My 2nd husband liked neither, at least with me.

Though GV lives about 4 miles away, it still takes near 10 min to get home with the lights and speed limit. It would be much easier living in the same home, but we won’t be living together until after marriage. Plus, we aren’t in a financial position to have our own place either.

There is that freedom of having your own places, which we don’t.

I do greatly appreciate that GV is here soooo much. Way better and I mean WAY better than 3000 miles away.

We both want to be married to each other and have our own home. We have a ways to get there, as we need to be earning sufficient money to do this.

Eventually I’d like to replace all my teflon cookware with ceramic, stainless steel or cast iron. I bought a ceramic pan several months ago and absolutely love it.

Then, I wanted a Bialetti 8-piece set of ceramic cookware. Five days ago I saw someone selling a brand new set for $60. On Amazon, the price has dropped to $143, though Kohl’s sells it for $130. With tax, it would’ve been $141, so close.

Anyway, $60 was a real deal on it, though I went through a lot of hassle to get it. It was frustrating and nuts.

About 15 min. ago, I paid for it and got it. The girl delivered it to a place near my house. I waited nearly 2 hrs for her originally earlier today at 2 different places.

Anyway, this is the same story I started a few days before where it was the father of the girl that was selling this. Anyway, I did drive about 25 miles total to get it to end up not getting it, and having her bring it all the way out to me.

She was apologetically nice about it, though. I should’ve had her knock $10 off it for the inconvenience and her lack of consideration in keeping me waiting for so long twice! Ugggh. At least I now have that.

So, I’m thankful to God for this, but I did have to work for it. This was the most difficult Craig’s List transaction I’ve encountered so far. All the rest have been really easy.

I have this GF that I feel is taking advantage of me, or taking me for granted. Today I forgot my cell as I went out to run errands. During that time, her daughter texted me to see if I was picking her and her brother up as I had been doing the past month or so, but I didn’t know to pick them up because her mom never asked me to for this week.

Anyway, I don’t know who picked up the kids or if my GF is mad at me, but she never asked me to. She paid so little for the stuff I’ve done for her the past 4 weeks, that that wasn’t sitting too well.

With each thing she asked me to do, she was paying less and less. It’s not like she couldn’t afford it, or that I was doing a poor job. I was modifying my schedule to accommodate her. She has money to spend on her own stuff, and her kids really are not my responsibility, but she’s trying to make them mine.

I know she has a creepy ex, but like her, I have my own issues with my ex and they are my issues (my ex, that is).

I guess secretly I want her to acknowledge that she’s been taking advantage of me and for granted. It’s my perception that just because I need money, that doesn’t mean I’m willing to be taken for granted or taken advantage of.

I’ve accommodated her schedule for 4-5 weeks and the past 2 weeks, it was just too much for me that I wasn’t able to enjoy my own kids. I’ve spent in the past week, nearly $700 on my car. She’s not responsible for this, but all the stop/go traffic and though she only lives 3 miles from me, to pick up her kids whose school is in between, drop them at their home and come back, takes me about 40 min., sometimes closer to an hr. It’s really not worth the $6 or so she pays me per trip.

Also, she has multiple times scheduled for me to pick up her kids and at the last minute changed her mind due to some other change. If I did that at the dr’s without 24-48 hrs notice (depending upon the practitioner), I get charged quite a bit. I think for the specialist my son saw 2-3 weeks ago, it was $150 if you missed your appointment.

The thing is, I’m not her personal child/pet assistant. I’m her friend that was willing to help her out some. Originally she paid ok, which turned out to be about $10-$15/trip.

God bless her and her relationship with her ex so they can work out their childcare arrangements.

I know this obvious to everyone but me, but even after things were off with MM, I still continued to allow him to torment me by not getting rid of his #, allowing him access to me socially online.

Last night was the last straw. I accidentally picked up the phone to look at a text from a friend and his call came up at the same time. Had I known it was him, I wouldn’t have answered.

GV was on cam with me and he could hear and see everything. I had MM on speaker phone and he was his normal obnoxious self. Anyway, long story short, it resulted in GV and me in an intense conversation.

GV was upset at me for continuing to let MM torment & abuse me, while I tolerated his awful treatment. GV helped give me the push and help I needed, and the courage to completely get MM out of my life. GV wasn’t threatening or forcing me, but he does not like anyone treating me poorly and won’t put up with it.

He says, like my mom and family, and others . . . that often I am too nice. However, to the people I’m closest to, that’s when I unleash my craziness. How odd is that?

I deleted MM from my phone, Yahoo IM, FB, emails, pics, everything. GV suggested I block his phone #, but I’m not willing to pay $5/month to block his #. However, GV urged me to the next time he calls, if he calls, to take his # down and do it, even he was willing to pay for this for me.

GV isn’t against me being friends with a man as long as the person treats me well, as they ought. GV tells me that it’s good to be kind and nice to people, but for those people who are worms like MM, I do not have to tolerate things like that and I need to take a stand for myself.

We had a partial discussion on this, but I didn’t want to talk more on MM. It felt so freeing and I cried a bit this morning because having in MM pop into my life caused me pain and angst. It’s like when I was doing well or fine, he would pop in like a cockroach.

GV could see freedom and joy, peace wash over me at the getting rid of MM. I’ve spent time today deleting posts of MM and I’m sorry to all those people who cheered me on the many posts I deleted.

It was very freeing to delete those posts here on 43T. I just don’t want him being a part of my “history”, if possible. I’m done, done, done with him.

Hopefully this will be my final post ever on MM.

What was really awesome is that while I was deleting these posts, GV was on cam playing beautiful music on his guitar for me. GV is such a great, supportive guy and I do love him.

I want GV to do anything to be with me . . . and despite any fears he might have, to talk about it, to trust God, and to go for it anyway. I’m totally worth it!

I really wanted more cheers and was sooo behind on this. Must’ve missed a day somewhere recently. Though I’m not 100% caught up, I am nearly and I got to give a bunch of cheers to some people whom I’m subscribed to that I haven’t been able to cheer for awhile . . .

Yippee!!!

Thank you, Cheer Fairy!

I want GV to be able to easily freelance and make great money doing software/IT/internet stuff so that eventually, neither of us need to work for anyone else and have freedom with time and money.

I want the passport/visa process to go easily for GV, and not cost too much money, for him coming here to AZ to be with the kids and I to be easy, for God to give him favor with everyone, for him to easily find a great paying job of more than $100K here, close to where I am, with great benefits.

I want to marry GV, and for us to be a family (him, my kids and I) and to have more children together.

I want to have a great life with GV & our family.