Joyfully & Easily Tune in and act on my intuition

Did I spell that correctly? I’m too lazy to look things up.

I was just looking at some pictures of me with other people and just observing body posture. One of the things I noticed was the tilting of heads. With one particular person, I’ve noticed a progression of his head tilting and it’s been going more towards me. Does that mean he just feels closer to me, connecting to me, or he’s starting to get into me?

I just love the innocence and sweetness of this particular friendship. It’s really quite wonderful and refreshing. I’m enjoying it. No pressures.

This evening I got on FB just for a few minutes. Actually, I have been on FB all day, but just got on for a short time. I got IM’d and was asked if I was planning on being at church. I said yes. Then a see you tomorrow. My comment on that was that that was sort of weird. The reply was it was just a conversation.

Honestly, is that really a conversation? It was a question. That’s it. Then he said, “Good night.” That perturbed me a bit. Whatever.

I’ve decided that I’m not going to play games with people. They can do whatever the heck they want. My foci over the next year is quite clear. I do not want to be in any relationships outside of friendship.

I figure it this way, God never has me doing something He does not equip me for. And, I believe that God does have the right man out there for me. I do not have to make anything happen.

Over this next year, I look forward to being SINGLE, UNATTACHED – FREE!!!! Yes, there will be times I will wish I had someone, but that’s okay and natural. I’m going to remind myself how I need this time to be NOT in a relationship!!!

While I reading a book on Spiritual Warfare, I was prompted to get rid of various items from my home. The Holy Spirit, I believe, brought to mind a number of items.

I’m really glad I got rid of those things, as it seems now less cluttered and I do not have reminders of things that provide no value to the kids and I. Whether was demonic activity attached to those objects, they were at the least reminders of things that were not right in my life.

Throwing those things away symbolized I am choosing to no longer allow those things to be a part of my life, that I’m taking definitive action.

Some of the objects in most people’s eyes were very nice, and could’ve been sold for something of monetary value for me, but I felt convicted by the Holy Spirit that He will provide by other means rather than through things that have worked to destroy my marriage and family.

I do not need “blood” money and had to count all of that as worthless.

As I also got a little sleep during trading hours because I was so incredibly exhausted, I now feel a bit lighter.

I also addressed a couple situations where last year I would’ve avoided or felt very uncomfortable dealing with. This time, there was no associated negative feelings & I just explained the situation and said I would remedy it the best I could when I could.

Things are as they are, and in order for me to effectively deal with things, I do need to remove the emotions from some things and just do it. Too often, my emotions have dictated what I have done or not.

Getting rid of those things provided a releasing for me, particularly some things that have been a part of my life since I was about 24-25 yrs old.

My daughter has been having a horrible time with lying. God has been totally prompting me here with the Holy Spirit. Tonight we talked extensively about lying, making good choices, consequences. Many things were said and lots of questions answered.

We even talked about when I was a kid. That seemed to help Hannalee a lot.

Often I am at the computer when I talk with my children, but today I made a huge effort to leave my computer and sit on the couch to speak to each one individually.

I wanted my children to know that I love them and they can trust me. We talked about my reactions, and how I can be better with them, to help them. We talked about how big of a challenge it was to tell the truth, but why it was important.

I related things Hannalee has overcome to the challenge telling the truth is. I hope God helps her to understand what we talked about. I love my daughter and want her to live in truth so much.

I totally have not been consistent in this. In fact, since my MP3 playing has been on the fritz since October, I’ve been using that as an excuse somewhat.

Today I was incredibly tired going through the spiritual warfare book and needed to take a nap. Still felt very sluggish. However, as I thought of TMS, Tiffany, the running club at my church and the STVC and others here on 43T and my bodybuilding forum, JDP all being more consistent than me, I was encouraged to go get my butt moving.

The kids had been asking to go to the gym, so rather than sit at the computer for a couple hours after bringing them home from school working on stock stuff, why not get the blood flowing.

It turned out really well. I saw Nicole and Josh there. Josh is my former trainer who quit the gym. It was great to see them there as I missed them. It gave me the opportunity to greatly encourage them both in Christ, and share with them about God’s Word, as they are both frustrated and discouraged about how things are going in their lives.

I understood because I’m going through my own set of things. The enemy does not fight fair and for this time, God is allowing this stuff to happen in our lives. Or, maybe He’s showing us that we can take authority over these things that plague us? I’m not sure.

Anyway, it felt good to get a full body core weightlifting workout in. I’m really glad I listened to the Holy Spirit to go at the time I did, because had I gone earlier when Hannalee was in school, I totally would’ve missed Josh & Nicole. So, there was something to me being tired.

God did do in Romans 8:28 work everything out for His good. I hope they were encouraged and uplifted by the things I shared with them.

I’m so glad I emailed Scott regarding Hannalee calling him daddy and insisting on it. It was so incredibly uncomfortable to address this, but I really felt it was needed. I know I wrote about this elsewhere, but can’t remember where I put it and am too lazy to look.

The email was sent Saturday morning, which I knew he was in training. He took an all day class on relationships – boundaries, etc. Perfect, eh? Not sure if he read the email before church or not, but we didn’t really talk hardly, just a few “Hi’s”.

Monday night we had our Cleansing Streams Bible study which he was late to. During the break, he came and he talked with me for a few moments about my email. It started off really awkward, as if he didn’t know what I was talking about, but then did acknowledge it.

That helped as seeing me face-to-face meant that he wasn’t trying to skirt things. The in person thing helped me to see his reactions, etc. Sometimes these are quite uncomfortable with me, but necessary and I can TOTALLY respect a person who does this, as Henry is not this way at all, rather very secretive.

Scott did not want to let things that are very concerning to me fall to the wayside and wants to get things resolved. I left pretty immediately after the Bible study as I was so tired. He stayed.

When I awoke this morning, to my surprise, there was a long email from him further elaborating what he did not express the night before in person. It was a very well-written, thoughtful email. Since it was a fairly deep email, those kinds of emails take me time to process.

My day was pretty jam packed and parts of it were fairly emotional. Normally I don’t address emotional things during trading hours, if possible.

He called me around dinner time and we talked for awhile, clearing the air up. He wasn’t sure if I got the email and wanted to be sure we were on the same wavelength. He wanted me to know what a blessing we were to his life, as I expressed similarly for him.

I truly am enjoying this friendship a lot and have an even greater, deeper respect for Scott, knowing some of where he is coming from. I shared with him my relationship with him, a male, is fairly new to me. Meaning, having good appropriate boundaries, having a really healthy relationship.

There was a little more to learn what bothered him that I did. He said that was in the past, but I said I was clueless as to what bothered him and am not a mindreader. Since there is so much on my plate, it’s best to not leave me to guess, but just tell me. He relunctantly told me and I said I would work on the things he said.

He did not like pointless conversations nor me being competitive with him. I’m now aware and can do something about it. It doesn’t mean walking on eggshells, but it’s not such a big deal to change this.

I am so glad we can talk these things out, work them out!!!

Praise be to God for how He’s working in Scott, in me, and that we can honor God in our relationship. What a blessing it is!!!

I honestly can’t tell with men are interested or not. Some are very obvious, but most, to me, aren’t. I try to gauge how he is with other people, especially women, but I still can’t tell.

I’ve only really seen him interact with one other woman, but she’s very assertive and aggressive. Though I am also in general, when it comes with men, I am not unless it’s business, fitness, health, just not the interpersonal stuff that much.

Not that I’m looking, but just curious. Sometimes I get these vibes that someone likes me and I’m right. In this case, I do get those vibes, but just think it’s my imagination.

I guess I give out signs that I am interested, but then, I’m friendly to people in general, so it may be a bit challenging to know if I am interested or not unless I’m asked point blank.

Usually he always smiles and looks like he’s very happy to see me. He goes out of his way usually to talk with me. Tonight Hannalee called him “daddy”. It upset me and I corrected her that she only has one daddy. She then called him stepdad and I didn’t know how to respond. I backed off and said nothing, but became very silent.

I didn’t see the look on his face, but his body language didn’t change. Later I apologized and at first it didn’t seem like he knew what I was apologizing for, but then I realized he did. I just told him it made me feel uncomfortable and dropped the topic. He didn’t pursue it.

There are a lot of things that are never said, but I’m not sure if the body language tells me anything. He’s always very at ease with me and is eager but not so much that it’s creepy. It’s comfortable and I know he enjoys being around the kids and I.

I don’t know him well enough to know what his signs are or if his signs are sort of like mine in that he’s always friendly to everyone. I certainly don’t want to read anything into anything and even if he were interested, I need a lot of space and time to heal.

I like the fact of not knowing right now because it’s sort of like a cute, innocent thing where I can be free to be me. He and I can observe each other in different settings. I know the kids want so much to have a wonderful man who will be the male father figure in their lives, but right now, it can’t be him in the way they would want, which is a man married to me.

It’s not something I’m ready for anytime soon. It just feels really good to be around him and I’m not even sure why I feel THAT good being around him. I hope he feels similar in that we add positively to his life. We don’t get a lot of time to really talk talk, but I know he likes talking with me when we do get those moments.

The kids asked if he could walk us to our car. That was sweet. They are very affectionate towards him. I don’t feel scared, just that I have a lot of things of my own to work through and need that space to do it. He doesn’t crowd into my space.

I don’t feel the need to have to talk around him. The silence is enjoyable. He definitely brings a peace into my life and is very good with my children. He has good boundaries and isn’t a pushover.

He makes me laugh, likes to kid with me. He talks to me close sometimes. When I move in closer, he doesn’t move away and vice versa. There are times he’s said some things and he looks me directly in the eyes. Sometimes I think it’s to see how I will react and some things make me nervous, so I look away, shy away, or just nervously laugh.

Sometimes I allow myself to get distracted, while he is aware and deliberate. Maybe he sees through all that. Not sure. I’m enjoying getting to know him and this burgeoning friendship.

There is someone who came into my life a few years ago at my church. I noticed him right away, because he just stood out. Not sure why. Didn’t really notice him much after that other than he was just another member of our church.

Then he came to my assistance with some things and now every Sunday he makes sure to see me, to say hello. It’s always great to see his calm, smiling face and frankly, I have begun looking forward to it.

I do believe that each person that comes into our lives, the things that happen, are not in vain. Even all the people I’ve met here on 43, the good and a couple not so good, the situations I’m going through, everything has a purpose.

There is this great loneliness that I feel, and sometimes when I want to sink into some pit of despair, I’ll remember that is a complete lie and me just wanting to feel sorry for myself. God loves me so much and so do many people.

As for this person, and as you may already guess, he’s a man. Recognizing during this very tumultuous, heartbreaking time, my thoughts & feelings may not be all that rational or best for me. It’s probably best to just observe and let my own heart heal from what it’s going through. Sometimes in our woundedness, we can create greater problems when trying to hurry up that healing process.

I was recalling a discussion we had a few months ago where he shared with me that he was a part of a men’s group, not in our church, to learn how to be a godly man. He took it very seriously and continues to. I remember praying about a man who really sought after the heart of God.

I also have been praying that whomever “this man” is, that he would be a strong leader in our relationship, a leader that knows and follows the heart of God, who is not afraid to be all that God wants him to be. Maybe he’s a marine? LOL. Seriously, I also prayed about being great friends with this man. At the moment, I’m not talking about this guy at church, rather “this man” is in general.

He would be good with his finances, be a man that has good boundaries. A man that is not prideful, yet humble. A man that would love my children and they would love him, all appropriately, of course.

One of the contentions of Henry and me was that he didn’t like to workout or do hiking or a lot of the things I liked. I wasn’t much for some of the “city” stuff, but they were alright periodically.

My friend, he does enjoy working out at the gym, hiking. When I asked him what he was getting his master’s in, it was in the area of social work, which was one of the things I originally wanted to go to school for, but the pay was not good, hence I opted for engineering.

Is he the ideal man? Is there such a thing? Is there an ideal woman? Is there really such a thing? I think they exist in romance novels and magazines. Most of us have some level of brokenness, hurts to deal with.

Recalling a discussion he and I had, he’s had some pretty rough stuff in his past, but another thing that impresses me is how he’s been working through these years to heal, learn from these things and not harbor unforgiveness, bitterness in his heart. I truly see a heart of compassion, but not one masked by humor.

Something I admire about him that to me aback was a few months ago I made an assumption about something and I was wrong. He didn’t let it slide, rather, clarified things for me in a very nice, but firm way. He did it in a way that honored & respected both of us and he didn’t ignore me.

Communication is really important and I love the fact that he is always smiling when he’s talking to me. I sort of sometimes feel shy and tongued twisted around him, and sometimes relieved my children are a distraction. Not sure why I feel like this.

There are thoughts I’ve toyed with a little, but I really don’t want to be toying with any thoughts and just let God do whatever He needs to do in my friend and I, whether there is a greater purpose for us other than friendship or not.

I didn’t want to play any games and I don’t believe he is. He’s also fairly disciplined when it comes to his studies, knows when to relax. And, the fact that we are both in the Cleansing Streams Bible study is great. It was certainly a pleasant surprise.

And, he’s taking Experiencing God. Okay, I’ll have to say he’s probably overdoing it. Eeek!

Anyway, I’ll just enjoy whatever God is doing and do my best not to read anything into anything, let time, and circumstances take its course. God will have to be rather blunt with me in this area, though for anything to happen. Whatever it is, I just want to honor God.

This story depicts some of the things I’ve been thinking about the U.S. and I received as an email from one of my friends.

There was a Chemistry professor in a large college that had some exchange students in the class. One day while the class was in the lab the Prof noticed one young man (exchange student) who kept rubbing his back And stretching as if his back hurt.

The professor asked the young man what was the matter. The student told him he had a bullet lodged in his back. He had been shot while fighting communists in his native country who were trying to overthrow his country’s government and install a new communist government.

In the midst of his story he looked at the professor and asked a strange question. He asked, ’ Do you know how to catch wild pigs?’

The professor thought it was a joke and asked for the punch line. The young man said this was no joke.’You catch wild pigs by finding a suitable place in the woods and putting corn on th e ground. The pigs find it and begin to come everyday to eat the free corn. When they are used to coming every day, you put a fence down one side of the place where they are used to coming. When they get used to the fence, they begin to eat the corn again and you put up another side of the fence. They get used to that and start to eat again. You continue until you have all four sides of the fence up with a gate in The last side. The pigs, who are used to the free corn, start to come through the gate to eat, you slam the gate on them and catch the whole herd.

Suddenly the wild pigs have lost their freedom. They run around and around inside the fence, but they are caught. Soon they go back to eating the free corn. They are so used to it that they have forgotten how To forage in the woods for themselves, so they accept their captivity.

The young man then told the professor that is exactly what he sees happening to America. The government keeps pushing us toward Communism /Socialism and keeps spreading the free corn out in the form of programs such as supplemental income, tax credit for unearned income, tobacco subsidies, dairy subsidies, payments not to plant crops (CRP), welfare, medicine, drugs, free medical, etc. while we continually lose our freedoms – just a little at a time.

One should always remember ‘There is no such thing as a free Lunch! Also, a politician will never provide a service for you cheaper than you can do it yourself.

Also, if you see that all of this wonderful government ‘help’ is a problem confronting the future of democracy in America, you might want to send this on to your friends. If you think the free ride is essential to your way of life then you will probably delete this email, but God help you when the gate slams shut!

‘A government big enough to give you everything you want, is big enough to take away everything you have.’ ........ Thomas Jefferson

I’m not sure what this exercise was about and what God was attempting to teach me or do in my life. Someone told my pastor that he wanted to do something for my kids and I, so he had my pastor contact me, make sure I get in touch with him. This seemed like such an urgent thing with time constraints.

I talked to the guy last week and followed his instructions on what he needed from me. It was mainly more for my kids than me. Anyway, today my pastor calls me to tell me that this person isn’t going to do what he said, cannot follow through.

I didn’t share with my children about anything here. Through the Mt. Everest of disappointments, lack of impeccability (lies or whatever you want to call them) of most people’s word, my trust factor for people is very low.

It’s a shame because it makes me doubt the people that hold true to their word. What is that expression, one bad apple spoils the bunch. Often now, when someone says they will do something, unfortunately I doubt until after it’s been followed through.

Not really sure what the lesson here is. Do not trust people?