Joyfully & Easily Be Consistent At Gaining Strength In My Life

One of the things I tell my children to always do their best. It doesn’t always mean things are perfect, but they are to do all they can at the time. Sometimes I know that they haven’t done their best, because sometimes it’s easiest to not push yourself to do your best.

It’s finding that thing that makes it easier for you to do your best. Sometimes we have these blocks that hinder us and we just have to remove those blocks.

This evening, my daughter had to study for a test for tomorrow. She was having a challenging time remembering things and became frustrated. After several attempts and failing, I figured out a way to help her study more effectively, something that would give her greater success.

I shared it with her and now she’s doing much better. It’s really about providing an environment, seeing what she needs and helping her to get it, leveraging.

I’m needing a break from some of my friends. Not here on 43, rather in real life, but I find sometimes even humor can really bother me. My friend John called my down moments as a “hissy” fit. I told him that was rather insensitive and I didn’t appreciate it. He told me to lighten up. We were on FB chat and I said I no longer wanted to chat and disappeared.

The fact that I’ve hardly had any real time to myself and a couple hours here and there has not cut it, is hardly down time. Well, I could go on and on here, but really, what is the point? To hear myself go in a downward spiral because not everyone is supporting me the way I would like?

That is a fact. Everyone has their own stuff going on. The world doesn’t revolve around me, but yet, my own stuff is important to me.

So, I just need a break from communicating to some of my friends in most forms, at least the ones that I allow to interject all sorts of things.

Certainly I do not want to stay in a doom-n-gloom type attitude, but sometimes just allowing myself to have quietness, stillness. What is God wanting me to do? What is HE saying? Afterall, what God thinks of me is the only one that should truly matter.

Maybe all this is happening to bring me back to a point of just looking to God? He is my sole provider and though He brings people to help me, it is all His doing. Not sure how that all works, but somehow it does.

This happened to me yesterday and I’m really not sure where to put this among my list of goals or if it’s even appropriate to write this, but just wondering, so for anyone reading this, any thoughts?

I have this friend who is ALWAYS talking about how much everything costs, how much she spent on literally everything. Often when we say “always” or “everything”, we don’t literally mean that, but in this case, I am meaning it.

She will proceed to tell me how much the red peppers I’m eating cost, then as I move to tortilla chips, how much that cost. On and on. It’s either how inexpensive it was or how expensive it was.

She will tell me that she got my camera for $75 on eBay, which I paid significantly more a number of years ago when it first came out.

She’s been raving about her sister’s house like I’ve never heard anyone rave about it, like it’s a mansion. I’ve been to a few multi-million dollar mansions, even one where the person owned the mountain. Pretty nifty and I thought that was cool.

Rarely does anything ever impress me what other people have, as I’m not really materialistic and I’m just happy for others. I do not feel it a threat to me, their successes. I know I’ve made my own choices.

I’ll have to admit the Bentley from a couple weeks ago, that really impressed me, but I’m over it and just normal again.

So I get to this home truly expecting it to be gigantic and for them to have this super huge pool. The pool was average size, not big, not small. The house size was like many of the homes I’ve been to. I felt sort of disappointed.

But, I just kept that and my thoughts to myself. She was so excited for her sister’s home and proceeded to show me the house, which I’m fine looking at. She had to go to tell me how much each of the furnishings cost and where they were bought.

Her sister has a nice home, but it’s on par with other homes I’ve seen of other friends. Compared to my home, it’s gorgeous. As I had to go to the bathroom to change, I overheard her (she wasn’t whispering or attempting to be be deceitful) say to her sister, friends, neighbors how I live in an old neighborhood and my house is 1000 sq feet, all her furnishings are old.

I don’t really care all that much, however, was it really necessary to share that? I’m not ashamed of the home I have. Heck, I’ve posted pretty much my whole home on Flickr. Guests are welcomed in my home regardless of how much they own or what.

There were opportunities to buy up during my 15 yrs as an engineer. I had things I had to workout regarding money in my own head and it’s taken quite some time. I honestly don’t think it’s necessary to compare myself with anyone else, as we each all have different circumstances.

I suppose I could say this and that, but really, what’s the point? I’m happy that her sister and her husband own a Lexus, can afford a home with a pool. That’s great. And, it’s great that they had the kids and I over for a swim & bbq party.

Why is it necessary that I know that her couches cost $2K, or the peanut butter was bought for $0.35? Over the years I’ve just tolerated her doing stuff like this because it’s just one of her idiosyncracies. You just accept that and really, she is a very good friend.

She would help me out in many ways and give to me what they have, if I needed it. Just that really bothers me and the fact that sometimes her whole competitive insecurities gets to me like it did yesterday and even now.

She knows I play the piano and have for years. She asked me once again, actually, insisted on giving her sons and her friends’ kids piano lessons. Outside of what I’m already doing, there is NO more room to add anything else on a regular basis that I would want.

She’s a super extrovert. I’m an introvert. And, being that I live in a small home and my piano is right behind where my workstation is, there is no way I want to move my desk to give piano lessons.

She proceeded to tell me that people are charging $100/hr for piano lessons and how much money I could make. On and on she went and how it was my duty to that as well as teach my own children. It was my duty since I’m her friend and that piano is the foundation for all music.

The fact is, I rarely ever play these days and though I can still play okay, though I would teach beginning piano, I would never ask of my students what I would not myself be willing to do. My freetime, I don’t really want to practice piano at this point in my life.

Sometimes it is nice to just play and sometimes I do, but privately when my kids aren’t home and I need to relax. I told her, my focus to take my trading accounts to well over a million in the next year will take a lot of focus.

I pay my trading coach to help me and if I add anything else to it, it will take away from me making money. I do not have the ability to focus on so many things. It greatly clutters my time and mind and I don’t want to do that.

I told her No on the piano. Don’t ask me again. Even when I become a multi-millionaire, there are other goals I have to make money, to generate passive income.

She focuses on what she can do as one person. I’m going to branch out to see how I can leverage other people and resources to help me make build my wealth.

Anyway, we are 2 different people. It doesn’t really matter to me whether she tells other people if I live in a shack or a mansion. It’s not about me. I’m fine and grateful for the home I have. Other people’s successes do not make me feel angry or sad. I’m happy for them truly.

Often, when she gets into that mode, I just tune her out. Yesterday her son came with us (one of them) and we had to do a little grocery shopping. I said that he could pick a couple things from the bulk bins. He really didn’t want to and seemed quite upset that I had him do it.

He felt embarrassed and like it was imposing on me. I’ve never seen that before as my own children are always asking and have no qualms about it, or asking other people. There was a lot of fear and shame for this little 8 yr old.

I guess the reason why I’m writing about this is because of the reaction of this little. He felt undeserving and unable to accept something so simple from me. Yes, finances have been a bit tight in the past year plus, but my children have never been without our home, good organic foods, A/C – heat, electricity, running water, basic necessities.

I see it now. Though her husband makes considerably more money than me right now, and they live in a home double the size of mine, they have had their electricity shut off, and sometimes go without much food to eat for days.

Hopefully those things will never happen to us, but I’m a very different person than her. She has instilled fear and the inability for her children to ask for what they want. I do not want that for my children. I want them to ask for what they want and to go for their dreams.

Today I’ve had 3 different people from my past pop up today. I must be sending out toxic energy vibes or something. Maybe the anger I’ve felt the past few days over 2 different people have attracted these 3 men to me today.

One guy is someone I had a very unhealthy relationship with when I was with my first husband. No matter how much I’ve attempted to get rid of him, he always comes back.

We have no real depth conversations and really very little in common other than some shallow things. That’s not enough for me, and he’s married with 2 children. He rarely will entertain questions I have in this area as he likes to keep things separate.

That’s not good enough for me. He wants his fun and it be okay. It’s not okay. It’s wrong. I was wrong for the relationship I had with him many years ago. That was a very low point in my life and I attracted him into it.

It seems like every low point he comes back. Maybe this is like a cockroach that comes out when it’s only dark? Just out of the blue after asking me how my weekend was, he felt the need to tell me he’s going to bed soon after he looks at porn.

What? Is that supposed to impress me? He knows I’m working to get my life straightened out. Yes, I have a high sex drive, but really, so what? If it’s not kept within good boundaries (which I deem in marriage), it can be a very bad thing.

As someone who’s made so many mistakes, it would be insanity to think I can do whatever I want with no boundaries and experience the success I truly want to have not just financially but more importantly spiritually, relationally, etc. And, that I can continue doing things that poison my life to think that I can truly have freedom. THAT is nuts.

The 2nd person is someone I met in Yahoo IM probably 2-3 yrs ago. He comes intermittently and lives in Europe. He has this fascination with women and muscles. At first, it was just a conversation about working out. But, little did I know this women and muscles thing is a fetish.

Freak. He’s just very fixated on this that it consumes him. Frankly, I could give a flying flip about this. I don’t care to check out women in muscles or want to wrestle them. I don’t want to wrestle men or see if I’m more powerful than them. Good fricken grief.

I told him do not IM me unless he wants to have an intelligent conversation.

Then, the third person is actually here on 43T. He may even be reading this. I made some bad choices here and now I’m paying for it. He has an unhealthy attachment to me, which is totally my fault, as I was in a very down moment in my life last year when a bunch of crap poured out into my life and I vented to him.

I was 100% in the wrong and I wish I could undo all of that, and my friendliness. He now perceives me as being judgmental. I’m choosing to discern that this is a very unhealthy relationship as he’s fixated on my wrongs and using that to propel or be the reason for further keeping unhealthy behaviors and feelings.

Honestly, with some of my lack of boundaries in the past, I could just throw up as to the people I’ve attracted into my life that are toxic. Yes, this person can consider himself toxic in my life.

Lastly, I’ll add one more relationship here. It’s with a woman. I learned she was bisexual awhile back. She’s a beautiful woman, but all she is fixated on is wrestling other women. I fascinate her because I love working out and have a lot of muscles.

The conversation is always the same. Do you want to wrestle online? What the f* is wrong with people? How could you ask the same flipping question again and again? Don’t you get bored? Is life so pathetic that all you want to do year after year is see if you can arm wrestle another woman?

Actually, I know what the solution is for this. Why stew about it and make myself miserable? I’m not. These are toxic relationships and I’m eliminating them.

I was reading somewhere about this thing you put on your feet at night that removes toxins from the body that some Japanese company developed. Hmmmm….how interesting.

There is a lot of added benefits by removing heavy metals and other things that poison our bodies, causing them to break down more.

Similarly, the same goes with toxic people. We all have our issues, but the ones that continue in a victim mentality, until they come to the realization that no matter what has happened in their lives, a person can choose to be a victim or a victor.

Even people in concentration camps. It’s a game that occurs in the mind. Eliminate toxic people from your lives.

It’s amazing how good, continuous, quality sleep that one can have so much more energy. One of the things I would like to do is get enough sleep each night so I do not have to resort to taking any naps. This would allow me time to be significantly more productive.

In the past, when I worked as an engineer, I would tough it out, whether I got 2 hrs of sleep the night before or whether I got 8 hrs. Maybe if that was periodically like once in a blue moon, that wouldn’t be so bad. However, because Sean for the first 3 yrs of his life woke up in the middle of the night multiple times, that was often the norm than the exception.

I would get what seemed like 15 million things done each day, only napping on the weekends when I had time. Now, I would have to say I probably nap 5-6 days a week. While adding more sleep to my body is good, it does impede on me getting to bed at a good hour to get that continuous sleep I need.

ToddieM said my naps were too long and to cut them back. When I did, that helped a lot, but my tendency is to take a 2 hr nap, which at 9-10 pm, I begin to feel energized and find myself often up well past midnight easily. Hence, the vicious cycle of erratic sleep continues.

I must stop the insanity. Other things I’ve found that I am sensitve to are the foods I eat. If I consume fruit in the later hours of the day or refined sugars, this keeps me up. Hot chocolate does that to me, too. The body seems less tolerant to me abusing it as when I was younger.

This morning, I awoke fairly refreshed. Still a little tired, but barely. I’m ready to go to the gym, though, my kids are grumbling. There is no time for a nap this afternoon, thank goodness.

So, hopefully I will be going to bed before 10 pm this evening and get 7-8 hrs of good sleep tonight so I can tackle tomorrow with gusto, strength, and a great attitude.

Today I got to teach my daughter something that will bring her strength in her life or tear her down. It will be her choice and a choice she must make throughout her life.

People often speak words into our lives in many different forms. We can choose to receive those words or not. Those words can be negative or positive.

As I was speaking to Scott this afternoon, I saw Hannalee in utter tears, so I ended my conversation shorter than I would’ve liked to attend to Hannalee. There are times I’ll just ignore it and let her deal with it, but I felt prompted by the Holy Spirit to attend to her.

She said her brother hurt her feelings very badly. I looked at her with compassion and instead of telling her tough it out, be strong, as my own parents would’ve said to me (or that I would’ve taken from that), I decided to use my cell as an object lesson.

I said whatever we choose to receive in words, they will reproduce. I toned it down to language an upset 7 yr old could understand. She had the choice to receive or reject the words spoken to her.

I affirmed and declared to her who she was—a child of the Most High King, a Royal Princess, so dearly loved. As her mom, I also loved her dearly. I told her if she knew who she was, no matter what anyone says, she can choose to take those words and plant those seeds within her, or not.

She can take good words and let them grow, or take bad words and let them grow. I talked about the consequences of both. Throughout, I affirmed who she was, declaring God’s power and love upon her.

To see your little girl heartbroken, then see those tears dry up, a smile, and then laughter. I saw in her eyes that she understood what I meant. Praise God.

I told her it was important for her to know what Truth was, real Truth, and that is found in the Bible. I would help teach her the Truth, and we would double check in the Bible.

I wish someone had taught me this at an early age and if they did, I didn’t receive the message. Now, 40 yrs later, I’m learning and hopefully can impart on my children these Truths which I pray will give them great power & strength in their lives, but that God would be their True Source for this power and strength.

This last EFT newsletter once again had some good articles.

One of the articles talked about being grateful for one’s mistakes, including some very, very deep ones that one would think, “Why would I be grateful for this?”

Another article was on obtaining neutrality in life. Often times in my own success, I’ve found myself self-sabotaging, but here is a way to address that saboteur in oneself and then counteract it with the exact opposite. Interesting.

Another article talked about “mother” issues, which I have those also. Mine impacted me in terms of appearance, performance, and self-esteem/self-worth.

Lastly, addressing phobias where it really comes down to basically 3 different types of fears: dying, shame, and pain.

It’s getting late and I did do tapping on each of these things, and in the process, have become incredibly thirsty, so I know I’m hitting on some things in each of those areas that my body has been hanging onto negative energies here.

There is more work to explore and I will pray and ask God to have the Holy Spirit what aspects of these different things still need addressing, to bring the pain to the forefront and deal with them.

I am anxious in a good way to get these things out in the opened and dealt with, so they no longer hold me back from God’s destiny for my life.

It’s become a easier now to give up certain relationships than it was a year ago. There is this thing about letting go, releasing that is very freeing. As we let go of deadwood, it frees us up to be able to take in more of things that are life giving.

There is still definitely a lot of work here, as I still do get upset about things when I should not be. One of the things that contributes to that is an imbalance of things on my “To Do” plate. Another this is lack of consistent rest.

Those things should be priority, as it does not allow me to be fully successful.

I thought as other people look to me for help, inspiration, or whatever, that I needed to be those things. Rather, I just needed to be myself and even if that means backing way off, that’s what I need.

I’m learning to even set boundaries for myself, realizing that I cannot keep going and going without true rest and refreshment. How I will juggle all this, will take planning, discipline, etc. It is possible. I’ve done it before, and though conditions have changed, it just means that it creates greater opportunities to strengthen in areas that were not as strong before, right?

This has been a true learning experience and will continue to be so. Praise God for His mercies.

I began reading Chuck D. Pierce’s book on “Protecting Your Home From Spiritual Darkness”. Haven’t gotten very far, but it talked about objects in the home that can possess demonic ties and I thought it was a bit frightening.

But, since I’ve been facing a lot of spiritual attacks over these months from all different angles, and have gone through Bloodline Cleansing, I’m well aware there is demonic activity that is very active and alive.

The first objects that came to mind were these pendulums I had. When I got these, I was under the influence of prescription anti-depressants. This was back in late 2006. I wrote about it here on 43T.

I gathered those things up, the chakra paper stuff I had, began taking down all the Chinese good luck red paper things posted all over my house and other items that seemed obvious. I placed these objects in the laundryroom overnight.

My dogs began acting up big time, like some demon possessed dogs. They were just barking feriously. I kept 2 of the dogs outside as they woke me up in the middle of the night.

When I awoke, I asked the Holy Spirit to reveal to me more stuff so that I could get rid of those things. He revealed books by Catherine Ponder and some erotic stuff that I had had for Henry and me. I also got rid of almost all the candles in our home, especially the ones in Henry’s bathroom, a stereo, some dresses that I wore where I dabbled on the brink of adultery in early 2006, paintings/pictures, risque pictures of myself and Henry, and some other nick nacks that reminded me of things I didn’t like at the such.

I didn’t even through them in my dumpster, but walked several houses away from me. The other stuff I took outside of my neighborhood into areas I typically do not go in to throw that stuff away.

It’s a part of cleaning my home from spiritual darkness. I do feel better, but I sort of feel wiped out.

Without these spiritually dark ties, I should experience greater spiritual freedom.