DAILY: Tell everyone how my day was...

I will write here when I feel inclined, but this goal is not something I see that I will do on a consistent basis.

My son beams when I tell him I’m so proud of him. It’s not as a sense of pride as in not being humble, but of sincere humility of being cherished, loved, valued.

I see it in my daughter’s eyes when she is on the verge of discouragement as she has perfectionistic standards, and I tell her it’s okay that things aren’t gotten the first time. We can learn and attempt it again. And, when she gets it after numerous attempts, I give her a big hug and tell her how proud I am of her.

My requirement is at the time they do things that they do their best. If their best means a failure, so what? I’m proud of them. They did their best. If their best means doing a fantastic job, I’m proud of them no more but similarly. Best varies with each time.

Last night, I got to teach Hannalee “Father, I adore you.” It was late and she was tired, but she obliged. We’ll go at it again today. Her voice is so beautiful and lovely. It is music to my ears and I would listen to her singing over anything else, including my favorite band.

I love my children, and I love to see them learning and to have a joy in learning. That is one of my prayers for them, that they love to learn.

I love to learn, too. But, is God teaching me things right now, and because it’s so painful, I don’t want to learn?

This weekend has been calm, compared to the work week. My heart is still very tender, hurting.

Right now, my body is also very sore. Yesterday I got to workout and do some things I hadn’t tried or done in awhile. Pretty much most of my body is fairly sore, though, I did not use a lot of weight. Those front lunges to the Bosu really made my hams, glutes, and calves work because I can really feel them today.

Everything I did required my core. I was either on the Swiss Ball, Bosu Ball or had the Bosu Ball upside down. I even tried being on the Bosu Ball upside down with just one foot doing Hammer Curls, but only could do a few as my legs were already tired from squats and lunges earlier.

My abs from top to bottom, side to side are really sore. All of my back is sore, too. My biceps and triceps are a little sore, but not too much.

My heart is sore from all the things happening in 2007, as well as 2006, 2005. There have been dramatic changes in these past 3 years and things I never thought I would ever experience, many of which are considered bad things, I have. Not sure why God would allow this unless He wants me to be able to relate to people better. Some of the areas were areas of pride, but other areas, I couldn’t relate until it happened to me, even if I had sympathy.

Today while at church, I got to recount to someone how God has worked in my life. It was only because of Him moving and doing things to bring things about. Once again, it will have to be God who brings me from this barren desert wasteland to a land flowing with Milk and Honey.

I’ve been in the desert for nearly 40 yrs, which is all of my life. Though I love living here physically in the desert, spiritually and otherwise, it’s a very challenging time, often having me to my knees, seeking God.

Why do I keep seeking God if all these “things” keep happening in my life? Even admist my loneliness, heartbreak, anger, frustration, disappointment, despair, discouragement, I’ve found that peace didn’t come through anyone or anything, but from God. I can’t make peace happen, as God made me a warrior.

I don’t want to walk through this time complaining, whining. As I see my children doing that, it frustrates me because I know that with just a little time and patience, they will be where they want.

My relationship with my children is but a finite glimpse into the mirror of God. God never disciplines me out of His anger and frustration, but He does so because I belong to Him. I discipline my children to help them, not because it’s fun, but to teach and to help them set appropriate boundaries so as they mature, they can make good and wise decisions for their lives.

I discipline out of love, though, I’d much rather lavish on them loves and kisses, hugs. There has to be the tension, to keep things in balance. When my children are away from me, that is the best reflection of how God has helped me to be a parent for their benefit.

The praise reports I get regarding them often make me wonder if it is my children they are speaking about, but it is also my job to see my children’s talents and gifts, and to help them develop them, to guide them. They are people with opinions, personalities, likes/dislikes.

If I do this for my own children, how much more as a child of the King is He willing to do for me. I would be remiss to say that I’m enjoying these trials and tribulations, because I am not, but somewhere, I will now ask God to let a joy eminate that only He can give—that it will overflow, inspite of the season I am in.

So, I say “Praise God” for how He is working in my life, and amidst the tears that rain down from my face daily, I give thanks to Him who loves me so very much.

My spirit is very down in a very bad way. I’m questioning a lot of things, and I’m not going to specifically or even imply what are exactly my thoughts, as I realize I am in a very bad place right now and continues to get lower.

Today I’ve been bombarded with even more stuff, even though there were some good things, like my children. My heart has been very much towards my children, not in an idolatry sort of way, rather in a way of a mother’s heart and love. That was well before I even had children, but when they came along, it greatly deepened.

My heart feels torn, smashed, spit on and kicked. Not just by what’s happened in my marriage, but events, life and everything. I feel very beatened down and I wonder about a lot of things.

As I look back at this season of my life, it’s lasted for a very long time, now, over 2 decades. I have sought the help, submitted, changed. I’m not really sure much more what else I can do. All of this is beyond anaylzing also.

What is the purpose of all this? I never felt I was meant to be ordinary, and that is why I always strove to be more. But right now, I’m thinking perhaps being ordinary may mean you never have greatness or whatever that is called, but this sure feels horrible and I would never wish this on anyone.

So, what is the point?

The dream that I would raise our children with Henry together is dead and now I will work on the process of putting it to rest. There is still more to grieve, and others are coming along side to help me here. But, in the end, it is me that has to deal with all of this.

People can provide their words and they often do encourage, but my heart for my children to have a father who cares for them, truly loves them, well, for now, that has to be just God, because their own father’s actions are very far from that.

I don’t truly know how to deal with or resolve this fact. I was not meant to be their daddy or ever to fill that role. And, my heart breaks. Men in my life will have to step up to help me here, as I express my needs for my children.

A father’s relationship with his children endears me so much. As I think of my own relationship with my dad, it never had that closeness that I longed. I don’t want my children to miss out, but because of the brokenness and whatever is going on with Henry, he has made the choices he’s making to have very little interaction with his own flesh and blood.

My heart is burdened, heavy, and so hurting. I am glad I go to a wonderful church with many intact families, and many men who will help me. God is my provider and He will have to provide here. I don’t know how Henry could make these choices. They don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve this.

The tide of the battle is turning, and it starts with the choices we make. This past month, I have been making better choices overall. This is not to say there are not those moments that truly challenge me, because there have been many, but in my thought life, I’ve been choosing to bless, rather than to curse.

Even as I write this, God has reminded me (to help me keep humble), that this week I have lost my temper a few times with my kids and others and said things I shouldn’t have. Of course, I’ve apologized and asked for forgiveness.

This week has ended well with just having God’s hand of favor from the very little things to bigger things. We must be grateful for those little things first, my thoughts.

I was ecstatic over the 2 – $5’s that we received this week just out of the blue and that we were able to receive this treat that might seem small to others, but to the kids and I, totally an answer to prayer.

The gratefulness I felt with Lori working with me to accommodate my needs at the gym with Sean touched my heart. I will be sending a written thank you to her, as well as to Noreen at the bank. I think maybe on Sunday I will have the kids help me bake muffins, cookies or something and deliver it with the kids to each of these women to show our appreciation.

Even some things that seemed and started out challenging, God has even given favor with our “enemies”.

It can be so challenging amidst situations that try you to maintain composure and continue to step out in faith to trust God, to treat others well, even if you are not being treated well. The Bible talks about how this is like heaping coals and that only God is the judge and He exacts vengeance, not us. Many times we want to take matters into our own hands.

God is really teaching me and helping me to really be present. Though, there is a long way to go for this visionary here, great strides are being made.

I’m also very thankful for our dogs. No matter what happens, they are always wanting to be loved by us, particularly me. Even if I haven’t spent any time with them, they treat me as if I have given them all the time in the world, wanting to be petted, licking me, wagging their tails, just wanting attention.

This week, Callie and I have had a few moments where they were good. She is the only cat that I like, as she seems more like a dog. She is my son’s sitter. Callie has seen many a kid and has such patience. I truly have grown to love this cat and enjoy playing with her when I can. She loves me, too.

God has been teaching me a great deal this week, to leverage my time & resources to get many things done, as well as to take time to rest. He’s given me the ability to love on others, show kindness & mercy, as well as to receive from others. It has been a give and take week.

God is also teaching me that whether I am in need or have plenty, to find contentment. I am very blessed.

The winds are changing direction in my life. I am now talking to the Storm, instead of allowing the storm to envelope me. God is my Champion and helping me to be the Champion I am in Him.

God put a dream in me many years ago. He is breathing in my direction and giving me great favor. God is not too big for me. He is so huge. I will defeat every single one of the giants in my life with God as my warrior. He will go before me to fight and lay out the giants in my life. I run out to meet the giant and I have nothing to fear.

God breathes life into me. It is a rushing, mighty wind. I have the force of the Almighty God. I rise up once again in the Authority Christ has given to me. My future is marked with blessings, increase, prosperity. Time and chance are coming together for me because God has ordained it. God is pushing me to new levels.

Today I felt I should stay home and trade, but what I sensed God wanted me to do was to spend the day with Sean & Hannalee, taking those opportunities with them, while not foregoing my trading, but leveraging the resources I have.

So, I did. I called my broker to have him assist me, while I spent the day with Sean, met with a college friend, and spent the late afternoon & evening with my kids. We got to have a really nice time today. Those memories they created in my head and I cherished and savored those precious moments.

There were other moments where I could’ve felt disappointment at a friend, but I as reminded about how God forgives my shortcomings whether I purposefully or accidentally did something. I remembered his forgiveness and how God released me from those burdens and how I am to extend that to others.

I was able to do that today genuinely. The realization that God will provide more than adequately. God never asks someone to do something wrong to help others or accomplish His will. There was a peace about this and though I cannot see how this will come about, there is no need for me to worry because God has everything under control.

My thoughts, desires that once held me in bondage, as I take authority over that area of my life, the shackles have been broken and I’m free. God is amazing. Maybe the fly on the wall would say it just looked like an ordinary day, but for me, it was miraculous.

This weekend has been a good one. Yesterday my kids had fun at a center where they spent 8 hrs so I could get stuff done. It is a lot pricier than I thought it would be.

The time I spent with my sister, SIL, and cousin’s wife was really nice at an Arbonne/Pampered Chef party. You had to reserve several hrs, but it was good to have both and get it over and done with instead of 2 separate parties. I did not spend very much, which was good and was ecstatic that I got to order my timer that I had been waiting to get invited to a party to buy. It’s the best timer ever. My other timer lasted so long, and I think it gave up the ghost due to excessive use or maybe children. I don’t know.

Today Pastor John continued his series in healing and it was so good. I went up for prayer, though, I knew I had children’s ministry to do for 2nd service. However, I felt strongly I needed to go up for prayer. Said very little to JP, who was my former life group leader.

JP began praying and the tears started to flow. Couldn’t stop them. Then, I began sobbing as he continued to pray. Snot dropping down my face….then the tears sort of stopped and he was talking to me then the sobbing started again, even more. Frankly, I don’t remember what all he prayed about, but the Holy Spirit was moving so greatly.

This 2nd sobbing session I couldn’t stay very quiet and my whole body shook. Eventually, it subsided. I feel much better and not quite sure what happened there.

There are 3 life groups I’m going to try before making my decision as to which one to stay at. The one I went to last Wednesday consisted of all singles and none are parents. It isn’t meant to be a singles group, but I sort of felt that I needed to be in a group where I had more in common and none of these people were anywhere near the stage as where I am.

MG’s life group has children near my kids’ ages. DR’s life group has some good people and have gone through some of what I’m going through in my marriage. Going to pray about it and attend both to see where God really wants me.

All I know is that I need community and cannot be a lone wolf. That makes me too vunerable.

This afternoon, the kids and I were supposed to either go to a Justin Unger concert or swimming. We did neither and they played with cars all over the house and had a lot of fun. I got to work on some stock stuff and chat with some of my friends, which was comforting and informative in my trading.

Time to hit the sack. No complaints about today, well, choosing to not complain. God is good.

Today has been complicated, yet so simple. Yesterday I was looking forward to a nice walk early this morning with the kids. Awaking early, I found myself wrapped up in resolving issues with one of my trading tools.

God took a problem that I have and turned it around to my favor to allow me to get a 40% discount on my subscription for the next year. Instead of paying $1656, it was supposed to be $1212 for the year for paying in full. But, because of the grief that I had to go through, they dropped it to $997. That’s a big savings for me.

As I felt discouraged about my trading some more, while I was at the gym, I silently prayed in my head to God, wondering if He cared or even heard me. I didn’t know what else was missing, as I had given up everything to follow Christ and pursue what I believed He wanted me to do, being obedient.

During part of the journey, there were choices made that weren’t so great, but acknowledgement and recognition of these things and seeing God love on me so much has brought me to true repentence. I so desire this great intimacy with God more than anything in my life. My life wouldn’t be anything without Him.

He reminded me that He is developing within me the Mindset of a Champion. Champions are not born from a life of leisure and ease. The costs are great, but the rewards even better. He reminded me from a book I’ve been reading of all the past victories in my life. He reminded me of the things that looked impossible, and how He turned them around for His glory.

Today getting to spend this afternoon and evening with my children, just enjoying them doing simple things, like them finding joy in my massage mat, or us watching “Cheaper By The Dozen” again, playing cars, reading, playing dolls, sharing food. I love them.

Got to spend some time with the housekeeper and a girl she has temporarily adopted. Ellen is a huge source of encouragement & love for me. She has such a kind spirit. Her life touches mine so much.

Her husband, Nick, and her son, Ben, fixed my computer table. It took them minutes and though I was unable to figure it out. Some mechanical engineer, eh?

The kids asked for seconds on the cuban pork dish I made a couple nights ago. They loved it and it did my heart good that they loved it.

My headache is gone, though I had to resort to Motrin, but I had exhausted my natural stuff and feel so much better now. It’s been a good day, though, parts have been challenging.

A tear and a smile.

This has been a good day which I spent doing mainly trading, both funded and practice. Was a little bit challenged with a conversation with a young woman who is very prideful about her trading. She has made a boatload of money in the past 2 yrs in her trading. She could be a good trader, but she refuses to manage her risk. She also wants to see if she can make $1M without spending a penny on her education.

In the end, it’s a very foolish thing for her to do as she will ingrain bad habits that will be very challenging to get rid of. I know, because I’ve been in a similar situation, except mine cost me more.

Anyway, I have to remember that I disseminated the information and it is not my job whether she receives it or not. The thing is, I really care about her and other traders. I really want people to do well, succeed in the long run, not just in the short-term. Quick success can often lead to over confidence, pride, arrogance, thinking you are all that when to the market, you are nothing.

The market is efficient and always right. Most people do not believe that, that is why they lose all their money. It’s not quick easy money and if it is, the Bible says, “A fool and his money are soon departed.” Been there, done that. Not fun. Not going there again.

It was good for me to do a lot of practice trading.

Love working from home because it allows me to be where I love. And, I got to make a delicious, healthy dinner in the crockpot that will last for several meals.

This evening I got to try a new Life Group (small home church group). It consisted of all singles and though I am separated, technically I’m still married. I was the only one that has kids and voiced my concerns about that.

What was weird and interesting was when the Life Group leader, Mark, served all of us by washing our feet. That was strange, but I could see the symbolism in that and I allowed him to wash my feet. It was humbling for me to receive that and humbling for him to do it to each person in the Group.

We broke into 2 groups for prayer. I got a great deal of prayer over me and I so appreciated it. I had to leave to get home to relieve Henry from watching the kids, so he could go to bed.

There is a little story there, too, but on the way home, I prayed to ask God to help me have self-control and not get angry for Henry’s actions. When I got home, I was cooled off and allowed God’s love to flow through me and express to Henry a simple gratitude for him watching the kids so I could go to Life Group.

I did not submit to any thoughts of pride, arrogance, defeat, lust, loneliness, self-pity, fear or victimization. Though, there were moments when I was quite tempted today, so I praise God.

All in all, it was a victorious day for which I am grateful to God for.

Now it’s time to bed.