was something that a former lover and I stumbled upon accidentally (we can’t really remember how it started and developed) but which now remains as something I’ll practice for as long as I am in relationship. We had a silly name for it, but it can best be described as a weekly check-in.
It goes like this: we pick a time once a week, typically on a Sunday afternoon, to sit down and express any points of appreciation, growth, concern or self-revelation that directly or indirectly affect the relationship.
Sometimes it can wind up being a simple, “I’ve nothing to add this week – I felt love for you all week and am delighted you are in my life.”
Other times it can be “I had an insight as to why I do X or feel Y when you do Z.”
Other times it can be, “I just realized I have a blind spot about X.”
Or other times, “When I see you do Y, it seems like it leads you to imbalance or unhappiness. I wonder if it could be a blind spot for you. Are you open to discussing it?”
Yet other times it can be “It really hurt when X happened the other day” – a way to navigate the hurts, the potential misunderstandings, or the outright arguments that may have arisen. Obviously if something feels like a particularly strong hot-button, you may not want to wait till the check-in time to address the issue, but if it can wait, then there’s the possibility that the check-in’s intentional openness and willingness to listen can both give you time to digest your feelings (and find better words to present them with) and express them during a time when you both have agreed to be less reactive and more inquisitive as to your lover’s needs.
Other times it can be a “I feel like I’m missing X in our relationship. It’s important to me because of Y; and something that would help is if we did X.”
Some guidelines:
Both lovers sit comfortably and they sit close to each other, but without touching, so there’s enough personal space to express whatever one feels, which could include a sense of distance or hurt that is respected by the physical boundaries. Physical affection can precede or follow the practice (or both!) but it’s important to allow for the fact that it’s two individuals now bringing different things to the table rather than one merged couple, where there might be assorted subtle dynamics yet to be unravelled.
Both lovers make a commitment to do this practice with an open, undefended heart, in the assumption that the information the other person is bringing is of vital importance to them and therefore should be received in the spirit of openness and willingness to consider. Each person, of course, is free to counter with the truth of their own experience, but first and foremost coming from a place of wanting to understand more than being eager to impose their version of the situation.
Both lovers speak from their own experience and with complete honesty (though diplomacy is nice around hot-button issues!). Rather than accusing, pointing a finger or attacking, they say, “When you do X, I feel Y.”
Specificity is essential. If one partner says, “I don’t feel like you love me anymore,” it’s a big, amorphous issue to tackle. Who wants to have that kind of conversation? If on the other hand s/he says, “When you’re so busy with X, I feel like I don’t count much in your life. Would you be willing to make regular space in your life just to be with me?” then that starts the conversation and the negotiation process – how much? How often? What does that request feel like to the other lover? Demanding? Asphyxiating? Or a point of awareness of “You’re right, I see that I’m so caught up in X that I need to step back and spend more time just on you”? All of these are starting points for negotiation, self-exploration, and emotional self-revelation that then lead to a solution, a compromise, or a mutual agreement if both lovers truly do so in the spirit of wanting to care for the other person.
There is no set amount of time for this practice. Sometimes a five-minute check-in is all that’s necessary, with both lovers just expressing delight for one another (though sometimes it’s also nice to note which new things you noticed about your lover that particularly pleased you); sometimes it can last an hour or two as you find that what seemed like a straightforward interaction or misunderstanding is rooted in deep pain from the past or simply in different values borne of specific experiences, and both need to be explored for the sake of true understanding and compassion.
What’s important, however, is to not let these check-in times lapse and be just when the relationship is rocky. They need to be when the relationship is good too. They need to be a non-optional, regular practice so that arguments can be deflected, better understanding developed, and deeper emotional opening unfurled. It’s not unusual to feel very open-hearted afterward (regardless of the feelings going into the check-in).
On the flip side of this, you don’t want to do these check-ins more often than once a week – then the relationship starts to feel like work or therapy. In my own experience once a week is the right amount of time – no more, no less.
I truly feel that this is the most powerful tool I’ve ever stumbled upon in relationship, bar none. It’ll keep the relationship both growing and deepening, challenge each person to grow, and gradually lead to transcending the core issues that a couple sometimes can circle around for years and years without ever resolving. I would patent this and turn it into a system and give workshops on this, but the above is all you need to know. I’d much rather that this information get out there and start to be used by as many people as possible so more love can flow and more relationships can feel fulfilling.
Cheers!
