NOT see or contact him in any way/any form for 60 days

So he sent me a couple of emails over the last month or so. and i just couldn’t pretend like we can be friends anymore. i know for a fact that he’s with someone and he’s trying to be friends with me, i guess.. but i can’t.. so i sent him an email letting him know that i’m not at a point where i think making that step is possible and that i wish to cut all contact for the next few years.

i’m sad that i have to do this, but each time that he tells me about what’s going on in his life, it just hurts me. so from now on, he’s a stranger to me.

basically, he’s saying he thinks i blocked him from msn and that he would like to talk about europe (he went to europe and he thinks i went to europe on my last trip – but i went to greece/turkey which i don’t consider as “europe” really.).

anyways, i wrote back, saying i didn’t go to europe and that i didn’t block him from msn that i just don’t use it anymore (I’ve stopped using my main msn account because of him and because of other reasons as well, but i’m not gonna let him know that he’s one of the causes). so he wrote back again asking where i went on my trip. i didn’t reply back to his email.

i don’t know what his intentions are.. i mean i know he has a gf now (but he doesn’t know that I know). i wonder if he’s making contact so later he can rub it in my face that he has moved on with someone.. but he’s not really that type of person. and why would he want to have contact with me? wouldn’t that be a bad move for his new relationship considering they’ve only started dating for a few months (i think they are together for 3 or 4 months top now -> an educated guess)

i haven’t decided if i want to reply to his email or not. i mean what’s the point of being friends with him? his friends suck, and so i wouldn’t want to hang out with his crowd so i wouldn’t really meet new ppl through him (cuz really at this point, he’s just good to make new connections and network). and knowing that now he has a new girl, do i want to know what he’s doing for her that he never made an effort on doing for me when we were together? (not that i think he’d change his ways, but he could act differently with his new girl than he did with me). but at the same time if i don’t respond, he’s gonna think that i’m still affected by this breakup and that i might be bitter (which i am but i don’t want him to think that this still has control over me).. or that i’m just plain rude.

I came back from my vacation feeling refreshed and feeling like a new woman. but then 2 days after, i learned it through the grapevine that he’s seeing someone new. must of been over 2 months now this new relationship of his. i feel betrayed… after we left each other, i asked him how he feels about seeing other people and he told me he didn’t want any serious relationship for awhile, he wanted to just date people and that’s it… maybe my definition of “awhile” is way longer than his. i dont’ understand why i’m still stuck in the past for so long while he’s already moved on.

in my mind, i don’t want to be with him, but somehow knowing he’s with someone hurts me so much… I feel rejected.

for awhile i thought i was at peace with him, i thought i no longer feel anger towards him, but now i’m so upset at him. and i feel hate. i don’t know if i can ever wish him well, but for the very least, i want to get to the point where i don’t have negative feelings towards him…

I went to a gala in hope to hook up with someone so i can get over him. for some reason, i feel that’s the only way i can forget about him. but sure enough some weird back pain started to bug me on the day before the gala and on the night of the gala i couldn’t bend or sit. I was in agony just driving to the gala. i went anyways, took way too many pills for my back pain that did not help with the pain but caused my stomach to be upset, and also made me dizzy and i almost fainted at some point.. needless to say it was one terrible night.. wasn’t even well enough to make eye contact with people at the gala. I felt disappointed… whenever i feel this way i think of him even more. it’s like this whole gala thing just backfired. instead of moving forward i feel i’m moving backward.

i miss him…

I’m not counting the days, all i know is I should NOT check his website, or go on the msn account before my trip, which is in a month. I seriously think i’m feeling better now that I’ve stop myself from gathering “news” about him, his friends, life etc. Though I still think about him every single day (and i’m not joking.. I have thought of him every single day for the past 8 months),but I don’t get those “OMG, I love him and I want to be with him RIGHT NOW” type of feelings anymore. which is good. I am pretty excited about my trip and there are days, i’m really happy that i’m single, i mean, have i stayed with him, i wouldn’t be going on this backpacking trip. i do hope i’ll feel even better when i get back. i just want to stop thinking about him, forget that he even exist..

there are days that i just want to run to him and have him hug me.. i miss him alot and i love him… :( but i don’t want to feel this way about him.

in my mind, it was the best thing that could have happened.. i was unsure, he was unsure.. maybe if it is meant to be, our path will cross again.. maybe after he and i date other people, we’ll realize we had it good or maybe we’ll realized there are other people better suited for the both of us. but i still miss him…

I realized i still have way too much feelings for him.. way too much for my own good. i want to move on. i really do. so i’m gonna try to start this over again. no more going on that msn account, no more checking his website, no more contacting him. no more..

so i msn him last night.. talked random things. for maybe like 5 or 10 minutes, not sure.. and i had this urge to ask him if he’s single still but i didn’t ask cuz i’m scared to know in case he isn’t.. and then i had a crappy night.. could barely eat. then went out drinking with people, didn’t really have that much fun cuz it bugged me.. and then today i cried when i woke up.. not sure why i cried.. and still don’t have much of an appetit for anything :(
how can someone i haven’t seen for 7 months stil make me cry.. and he didn’t even say anything bad..