Tell my parents I love them

I wrote it at the end of a letter I just sent them – it was a thank-you note from my birthday. Instead of signing it “love, Meredith,” like I’ve usually done – I put “talk to you soon and I love you.”

And it’s in the mailbox already – so this goal is accomplished.

I can’t believe I did it! I didn’t say the words, but I wrote them… which I’ve never done before… and I feel totally good about that. I know how my parents will feel when they read it – I know they’ll understand. YAY!

I visited my parents on Saturday, and this wild idea of actually achieving this goal right then and there flashed through my head…

..but I didn’t do it. I’m just so not comfortable with letting my parents in on those sorts of emotions! I wish it wasn’t so difficult—I wish we were just one of those families who’ve always said “I love you” all the time!

I almost feel like it’s just “not me” to tell my parents I love them—like I’m trying to be someone else. But I don’t really think it’s about “me” as a whole. It’s about the person I am around my parents, and of course, that particular social identity is very firmly ingrained! It’s hard to change the way you communicate with a parent when you’ve been doing it (or not doing it) a certain way your entire life.

So when I do this, I’ll be exposing a side of myself that I’m used to keeping hidden from my parents, basically. That’s why it’s so darn irrationally scary.

I feel better seeing that there are others out there who have an issue with this! I’ve basically never said “I love you” to either of my parents. For a long time I thought that was just the way our relationship was, but sometime in the last year or so, I realized it doesn’t have to be that way; maybe I actually could say the words.

I know from reading my baby book that when I was really little, my parents and I used to say “I love you” to each other, but I was so young that I can’t remember it. I just remember being an older child and refusing to say the words. I don’t know when that started or why. My parents kept saying it into my preteen years, I think, and then for some reason, they stopped too. Maybe they thought it was making me uncomfortable. We’ve never talked about it, which is sad because I actually have a great relationship with my parents.

Years later, when I was 20, my boyfriend of four months was wishing me goodbye when suddenly, he told me he loved me. Despite having no memory of ever saying it before, I heard myself say “I love you too.” It was an amazing feeling. Over the next few weeks, I found it really wasn’t hard to say those words in return; the difficult part was overcoming my shyness about spontaneously saying “I love you” to him. I’d be trying to get up the courage to say it, and he’d see the look on my face and smile and say “Is there something on your mind?” But now, three years later, it comes naturally to me with him (although taking the words seriously means a lot to me… I never let myself say them thoughtlessly or reluctantly).

I try my best to make my parents feel loved, and I always sign letters to them with “love”... but I don’t like being unable to say “I love you.” It seems so awkward, especially since they hear me say it to my fiancee.

I’m not sure we’ll ever be the kind of family who expresses our feelings constantly. I’m content without that. But I just want to overcome the weirdness and actually say the words to my parents at least once.