gain confidence

I’ll just quote my feelings this time around…

“It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.”—Frederick Douglas

“Whether this is true or not is certainly less than obvious. The lack of clarity starts with the meaning of “strong children” and “broken men.” The ambiguity extends to include how one might go about building a child, strong or not, and the skills and tools needed to repair broken men. If one posits that “strong children” are kids who are well adjusted and that “broken men” are adults who are maladjusted, the aphorism is likely true.

Adults may become maladjusted, i.e., “broken,” after they are adults. This can happen due to numerous causes and circumstances; but since Douglas connects strong children and broken men, it is fair to conclude that he is focusing on a presumed connection between childhood and later adult adjustment. His point is that it is easier to bring up well adjusted children than it is to correct the maladjustment of adults, when the adult maladjustment is a result of a problematic childhood.”

Full read http://www.articlegarden.com/Article/Broken-Men/83160

Today during a walk I tried one more time to talk to my father about the troubles he carved into the family…

The response I got was …”DONT YOU TALK TO ME ABOUT THAT, DONT YOU ASK ME ABOUT THAT”, my question was…,”Dad, is the reason why you ‘think’ of me as your ‘best’ son becuase all your other children no longer speak with you?”

I left him a message explaining that if him and I were going to make the best out of broken past…he’d have to step to the plate and talk to me like a man about the things he did….

I don’t think my father will ever admitt it; and it breaks my heart that he wants the ‘love’ of at least ‘one’ of his children,...and I can’t give it to him. All I want is an acknowledgement and a apology. Though I fear I (or any of my family) will never receive it….

And that quiet voice that fears that one day I’ll ‘be’ like my father one day – slowly fades….because I’m realizing…I’ve crossed the bridge of pride, of asking forgiveness for those that I have trespassed against…and will always humble myself to the things I ‘know not that I do’.

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In the days we use to write stories to bide our time. Now we sit here contemplating the meaning of my existence to this place. Its quite funny how so much time can be taken by a simple obligation to work. Day in and day out we choose to isolate ourselves to this pattern. I write now to alleviate me of the boredom that is found. There was a point in time that I was so happy to write things down. I enjoy the combination of words to cause a rise in the reader’s emotions. Somewhere along the line I found myself hashing through system configuration; tweaking files, installing different OS. And now I find myself here…working as a Linux admin for Edward Jones. In all honesty there really is no dissatisfaction with my job. It is quite peaceful; most of my team(all of my team) is located in St. Louis. And even thought the going is slow. I dare not complain of the fortune that has been graduate to me. I pray that this writing clears my head and gives me something to ‘focus’ on even if just for the moment.
A more recent thought has been the correlation between the 101-keys on a keyboard with that of the notes on the finger bored of my violin. There was a time when I would watch my mom type and be marveled at the speed and accuracy at which she typed. There was a point in time when she would type my hand written reports for me because she could type ‘faster’. Time progressed like cloud spotted like overcast day, cumulus clouds fit the description. Ya know, there are a lot of things I haven’t completed in my life…or done to the fullest of my capabilities. I spend hours upon hours trying to understand why I suffer from such bad anxiety. There are a host of ‘factual’ reasons, child hood, narcissistic father, a lot of turmoil while growing up. I peer back at it all, and it just saddens me more. All the lost opportunity, mistreatment, grand lack of guidance. What does a person have to do beat it? I refuse to be a victim, but doesn’t being a victim mean you had zero choice is the matters that retiled you. I personal believe, in true existentialism fashion; that each choice is my own to make, I just wish the choices weren’t influence so much by demons from the past. How does one combat those fears? Future more, what type of mind can comment such crimes onto other people and never feel the need to apologize. The more immature way out would be to do what you must so the negative person in question feels the pain you feel, but then you would be no better then that person. Sigh..its a horrid conundrum. Intertwined like a helix. Hell, even my writing skills have diminished – minus the use of catchy words.
I just want out of the continuous self-hate cycle. To be free of the worry and lack of self confidence. That is in no part, (initially) of my own doing. They say do whatever you can to take away your mind from the destructive self talk…so a few scattered words find their place. You could find irony; shake irony’s hand. O the humor, forgive them, Luke 23:34, and I’m not even Christian. Religion….
That is something that infuriates my already scattered mind, religion; now all-in-all having faith is a fabulous thing. But if you just step back…and ponder the quantity of religious sects across this pale blue dot(Carl Sagon FTW). I can’t help but be more interested in the ‘reason’ behind the quantity verse the fallibility of any single. From a ‘geek’ standpoint you can ‘top 20 religions’ . And those are only the ones we can count in ‘modern’ time. I can’t help but to feed my curiosity and understanding by exploring the theologies. I think it fascinating how so many could not see the bigger picture; ‘Humans need to ‘believe’ in the ‘something more’…when you realized you are stuck..’to put it more bluntly’…8 million ways to die…’choose’ one, or that perceived system of control [input society x here] grated by where one lives. Some people take it with humility,. some need answers, well…what do you do with a child that doesn’t understand sex…you make up a story that will suffice. Unlike a childhood though, there really isn’t a ‘real’ explanation. Science offers it’s findings. (Which is better then most). For me, I think the capacity of us to believe and find solace in whatever, should be enough. No need to force belief, belief is an individual sport. I say, find your church, be it at the music store, on the toilet, running, watching tv…if there is something that can bring you peace when all else seems pointless,…I for one,...praise your church. [As long as your not offing people]. That would be funny….every time someone does harm to another; ya know…the BAD harm…that person, and those alike should be instantly teleported to a planet far away. That would be awesome!...Pain and suffering ‘1:1 inflicted’ would stop. Yeah they tried that with Australia, to bad the world really is round…
Ok that’s enough…I feel better….:-)

So all the boarding this seasons helped me realized how much I really don’t trust myself.( I won’t go into those thoughts here obviously). Nevertheless, with each pass down the slopes[aside from confidence on my board] it helped me relax in my inner guidance of self. The peace and quiet of the activity along with the sublime rapture found in the movements alone, have instilled great awareness of what I’m lacking—-the ability to just ‘go’ with it…I take that with me off the slop every time…

So I’ve been following this company for about a year. and last weekend I was doing my diligence on them, and they had a career opening that seemed to fit me perfectly.(As far and progression, passions, and were I want to take my science life)...I applied. and that monday. I received a call…and it went very well, by the next day I was in a phone interview with reps from the chemical, electronic, and hr departments. The interview went well i would think(it was my first phone interview)..talk about nervous. But regardles..it was a huge confidence booast as far as ‘seeing’ the possibilities of my scientific career flash before my eyes. So go me…I hope this progresses into a new direction for my life…