Get married....and STAY married

Last week i had barely any appetite except for an apple a day, this week i’ve been scoffing mooncakes, bowls of rice bubble crispies and milk and chap chai peng twice a day.

I hate the man.

I am looking at his msn nickname right now and i feel tying him down, muffling him and waxing his chest.

then moving on to his nutsack. i want to wax his nutsack and hear him scream like a little girl.

i’m feeling such affection for him already..

this must be love.

i hate you.

what’s so good about you anyway.. you bite and pinch me all the time, you give me bruises in the weirdest places.. you take back the ring you bought me.. you’re making me go through a hard time just to get married. isn’t it supposed to be my day, ya.. i’ld probably cry tears of disappointment. stupid wedding.

the worst thing is that i love you too.

you big fat stupid furry balding man.

i hate you.

i love you.

i hate myself.

stupid me.

sometimes i look at couple pictures and i get deflated.

even if they aren’t the best looking people in the world, there are tons of couple pictures out there having a holiday, eating together, taking pictures of each other.

i’m envious.

i hate myself.

and i know things won’t change much after marriage. we’re still us. i’m going nowhere.

this discontentment because of everything that seems to be going against me, everytime God gives me a solution, he gives me another problem.

it’s so tiring to climb up this hill… just to get married.

i thought the other day that on the day itself, i will be happy even if i will not be the happiest person around.

but today i’m not so sure.

apparently i will hold my flowers during phototaking and i’ld wear my dress only during phototaking.

i’m so depressed, work has become my everything. i don’t want to think about the stupid wedding, i just want to think about getting my boys into mainstream.

i hate this stupid wedding but i’m not leaving him.

it’ld just be this stupid day, at least i’ld enjoy the food.

stupid wedding.

stupid me.

ideally at the beach with lots of grub and alcohol, candlelight, a fantastic live band, my friends and family everyone kicking back and hanging out.

i’ld be wearing my dress with flowers in my hair exchanging vows with him at sundown and kissing him.

how is that so difficult.

I’ld be honest, i’m not looking forward to getting married.

Even the idea of having sex finally, isn’t making me cream in my panties with anticipatory joy.

I’m not one to whine to all so cut me some slack here after all, this is my 43things.

First, i go to church, abstain from sex, take communion, fair enough, then i have to see him only with a chaperone, we’re not allowed to date, watch a movie, hold hands. So we’ve been going everywhere else with a family member. Then there’s a problem with my dress, no problemo, i’ld cover it up. Then there’s a problem with the shade of my dress, so i’m going to make some kind of cloak coat to cover up the unwhiteness of my dress. Then there’s a problem with me holding flowers, we’re exchanging bibles, not rings.

At what point does it start to feel unnatural.. even if his folks are real nice.

It’s beginning to feel cultish.

God help me.

Even mormon brides are allowed to get away with alot more.

Havent even thought about the cloak/coat thing, i reckon it’ld look almost sinister, me in white cloak with white bible in off white dress.

i should get to bed. biggest thing on my mind is cloak != veil because it’s ott and we’re in a tropical climate.

i hate myself.

i feel like asking everyone not to come and ask the photographers and videographer to go away. i feel like asking him to go away, it’s not like i’ld be treated like some precious jewel of the east after marriage anyway.

it all sounds so exhausting and stupid.

I’ld be changing my goal after this, marrying my love doesn’t cut it.

I want a good marriage and i guess i’ld have to angst it out online then make a good marriage.

I want us to sleep in on saturday mornings, go for walks along the beach, him falling asleep on my hair and me having to suffer from whiplash when i need to get up suddenly in the middle of the night to pee, us to go out and eat, find new places. I think i’m just cranky… this line keeps going through my head. temporary sorrow, eternal joy, temporary joy, eternal sorrow. so stupidly poignant.

Alot may happen but alot also may not happen. If he’s not going to hang out with me that much, my friends will do the job. But he will, he’s one of those arrogant good sorts whose nose you are tempted to break at times..

I’m going to go pray for my spiritual life now instead of thinking about reading literary smut and twiddling my clit thumbs.

Tommorow will be a better day

;)

mew

I’ve given up offering to help out with the decor and cards but accidentally insulted myself. great regret.

Had to wonder if i’m marrying a man who’ld put me down everyday the way my father does but all i’ld have to do is not allow it. Had to wonder how to preserve myself since it is a marriage and there really is no walking away. I think i’ld just ignore him and let him do his own thing.

sometimes i feel like running off with the wind, join the circus, run off to join a hippie pot smoking commune. it’s either cold feet or something else but either ways it’s too late or i’m not interested in marrying someone else. i will instead stay to make both of us miserable. maybe that’s life and it need not be this way but i’m feeling like that now. it fleets in and out of my mind, the devil is playing with me perhaps, i’m feeling like this is it and it’s not going to be worth it.

nothing much will change. he’s still going to play his computer games, we’ld still talk about vacations we’ld take but never go, we’ld have nothing in common and he’ld make no effort until i put up a cold front, he’ld nag at my late nights with my friends. the only thing that’ld probably change is that we might fuck. might. because i’m so not in the mood. sometimes all a woman needs to feel is loved.

fuck that.

stupid man, sometimes how i hate him. i’m going to buy myself a very expensive pair of shoes this weekend and regret it for all of 2 hours just because we’re saving up to get married.

this must be love. fucking great.

stupid man.

5th october for the church wedding and 12th december for the tea ceremony and chinese dinner.

i am so stoked at the thought of all that food :))

but not too stoked about the dress, it is far from.. ideal.

am going to get a corset made so i will look less crotchy because the silk drapes nicely over my curves and not so nicely over my crotch.

thanks to my mother’s good genes, i’ve got an accountant’s mind, veiny limbs and a fat twat.

dress – in progress
decor – still looking
flowers – still looking
register marriage – in progress
cards – next week
favors – any recommendations?

crappola.

ah well, at least the dates have been set ^_

we spoke today. after a week, it’s confirmed, he’s having depression.

i think it’s a quarter life crisis a few years too late.

i’m afraid to talk to him for fear of upsetting his mental state of mind that may or may not be so fragile.

halfway i am thinking u wuss. but i’m moderately sympathetic.

depression can be really eat into a person.

he doesn’t want to talk about it.

i didn’t know what i can or cannot talk about so i choose not to

we talked about the pros and cons about his friend buying a flat in melbourne instead.

i wanted to tell you about the wedding gowns i modelled for jiejie today, i saw one and it was vintage and beautiful with a lace train.

i wanted to tell you how beautiful i felt in it so you could share my excitement.

ted wu specialises in intricate beading

i wanted to let u see me in it because when i wore that dress, i wanted it.

i wanted you to tell me how beautiful i looked in that dress and feel happy, proud and insanely in love with me.

it’s a wedding dress for our wedding.

yet i feel like i might not be marrying after all.

my fragile man.

what am i going to do with you, my love.

i feel like running away

but i can’t give up on you.

especially not after you told me i’m your best friend.

i don’t know sometimes.

i think we are each taking turns to have cold feet.

i wish he knew how much i love him, i wish he knew how much i hated the way he tells me to go look for other people, i wish he knew how much i hated him for telling me which friends i can or cannot see, i wish he knew how much i hated him for putting me down everytime i feel good about myself.

almost sounds like my ex boyfriends.

worse, my father.

i feel like running away sometimes. but it wouldn’t solve anything. i can quite simply leave him.

even when i feel sometimes he wants to be with me and sometimes he is too chicken shit to leave me. i will cling onto him, go through the marriage and make his life shit.

i think that will be fun.

then the loving bit softens everything up and nauseates the vindictive part of me.

love ruins everything.