have more confidence

Because I want more! And it’s really helpful to post about it and think things through out loud, so to speak.
Today I was reading an article, it was talking about preteens (actually they were called tweens) but even at 26 I can totally relate. The article discussed how girls in our culture feel a lot of pressure to please others, and to never brag or be too proud of themselves, lest they intimidate others. And god forbid you do that, then people won’t like you!! And I have really felt that way before, that I have to hide or downplay my accomplishments, my strengths, my talents, my brains, WHATEVER, to make other people feel more comfortable around me. So maybe other people feel better about themselves, but I wind up feel bad. PLUS I’m realizing that while that may help to endear me to the insecure, I want confident, self-assured friends. They are easier to be around and I don’t have to hide what’s wonderful about me. They will support me and be happy for everything I feel good about. And I know many people like that, they are my favorite people! I guess it takes a little courage to risk being seen as conceited in order to really own my accomplishments. I can’t be afraid of going “too far” or worry about not being liked by EVERYONE! I may have written about this before, but this time I feel ready to say SCREW IT, if someone thinks I’m conceited then to hell with them.

I think I have the start of what will continue to be a growing self-confidence. More and more I appreciate myself for my abilities, judge myself less, am able to accept praise, and am more patient with myself. I still backslide into self-doubt but it’s probably a lifelong work in progress. At least I am on the move toward better self confidence instead of the old spiral of doubt.

Feeling better about myself anyhow. More sure of my abilities and stuff. I don’t know when this goal would be done. I guess technically I have more confidence, but how do I know when I have enough? Whatever it is, I’m thinking I might be close.

Yeah. To just go for what I want, to not be afraid of failing, to trust myself and my instincts, etc.

OK so another part of this I have to tackle is my tendency to get completely freaked out and think I’ve completely messed up any time things go well. I’ll get downright paranoid and go into this spiral of self-doubt where I am so afraid I made a greivous error that is going to come back and completely screw me. Not until there is NO CHANCE of something going wrong do I finally calm down, and by then instead of feeling good that I did well on the project or whatever, I am only relieved that I didn’t fuck up. Not very healthy or confidence enhancing. It’s hard to talk myself out of because whatever I’m afraid of is always possible…but not likely. That’s a hard thing to overcome though because fear is so strong, it can really take over and cloud your rational judgement. But, at least I’ve identified this tendency so I can work on it. Seems like one thing after another is contributing to this self-doubt and lack of confidence for me. WTF?

One way my lack of confidence really hurts me is professionally. I don’t apply for better jobs because I think I’m not good enough to get them, that I will be once I improve this skill or that skill, but I keep putting off even TRYING for what I really want. Meanwhile I don’t negotiate for my pay and I take jobs that I am bored with, just because I know I can do them. I don’t know why, but I won’t even make an attempt. Maybe I’m afraid the rejection would just fuel my belief that I’m really NOT good enough so I avoid it. But I think I need to just go for it!!!

So another component of this is to “be a better friend to myself” and to talk to myself (in my head) in a way that’s supportive/nurturing as opposed to mean and discouraging. So while that sometimes means saying nice things, it also means NOT being too hard on myself when I mess up. I got to try this today and it was kind of hard. I mean I made one little mistake, not even a mistake; I just didn’t do as great a job as I could have and my boss called me on it. (In a nice and helpful way, but I take things hard) So then I started to go down the “You suck, everything you do is crap” “you never try hard enough, you aren’t dedicated enough, you shouldn’t even try to be successful” road but I tried to stop myself and instead congratulate myself on my ability to correct my mistakes, accept criticisms and improve my skills. It’s a baby step and I still feel crappy about my lack of precision, but it’s a start, and from what I understand, speaking to myself in this way over time should eventually make me FEEL better and more confident. I guess it couldn’t hurt, at least I didn’t let it ruin my whole day and that’s something.

I know part of achieving this goal is to stop comparing myself to others. People that are richer, thinner, prettier, more talented, smarter, more athletic, better than me at one thing or another…I know I have to just appreciate them, and myself separately and as equally worthwhile people. But that’s so much easier said than done. I don’t know how to put that in place. ?