be more open

Would it be possible to be honest and direct with my sister when she does things that bother me? She’s probably the most difficult one to do this with sometimes I think it’s not worth it. I probably do need to change the way I communicate with her in some way.

This is really happening. And it’s not as terrifying as the thought of it was. People respond well, they actually really want you to open up so they are unlikely to risk ruining it by reacting in a mean way, no matter what you are saying. I have found most people, even people I didn’t think liked me, are supportive, caring, and as far as I can tell, they’re touched that I am making an attempt to show my vulnerabilities. This gets easier all the time. I still feel all nervous and panicky inside when I’m being emotionally revealing (or on the receiving end) but hey, we’re all a work in progress right? At least I’m trying.

I gotta tell people when they do something that pisses me off.

I want to try and tell people when they have hurt me. My usual reaction is to just be hurt and distance myself from them so they can’t do it again. But the bad part is that if I don’t tell them how could they even know? I just kind of walk away. I don’t want to feel vulnerable and let them know they have this power to hurt me, I’m afraid they will say “So?” or “I didn’t do anything wrong” or whatever so I just say nothing and it doesn’t get resolved. I have started doing this more, and it’s much better because instead of in my mind thinking they won’t care anyway, so I won’t tell them… in real life, they DO care and want to make it right. Most people do anyway. Now I just have to be OK with the idea that even if someone is horrible about it and hurts me more, it’s worth telling them anyway just for the fact of being open. Right now I’m only OK if they react the way I hope.

That’s not really the problem. Well kind of but not really. The problem is I get super uncomfortable when things are too emotional or I feel really vulnerable, or whatever. So I end up joking or changing the subject or avoiding the situation, etc. Or else I say things that are meant to be sincere but they come off sounding insincere because I feel so weird about it. It doesn’t help that I smile when I’m nervous so even if I’m trying to tell someone something sad or listen to their sadness I end up smiling. Totally inappropriate. I don’t ask people for help when I need it. I don’t always tell people they’ve hurt me.
And so on. Why the discomfort? No idea.