Be myself

... and feeling very rotten today. Though glad that I’m becoming more aware of how bad I feel after meeting her. Feeling bruced and hurt, disrespected and that my trust has been abused. Not. Good. Friends aren’t people who leave me with this stench in the air after seeing them are they?! Nope. I want to feel good about myself, loved, cared for, respected and taken serious and all that when and after sharing time and news with my friend(s). She on the other hand gives me the impression that she hates me, envies me, looks down on me and just wants to get ideas and information off me to boast to her friends how wired in she is in the areas that I work in etc. i.e. she seems to be using me. The help and the gifts I receive in return from her might fall into the category of protection money: She gets the insider info and gets to be emotionally inappropriate for the price of me getting these bribes. Fuck. That. What I find difficult about letting go of this toxic relationship is a) that I’m afraid of what she’s going to do (I’m scared of her!) and b) that she’s “friends” with someone I’d like to stay friends with. Not sure what’s the next step. Gonna think about this more and pay very close attention to my feelings I guess. This is depressing me.

1. observe myself (ideally without judgement)
2. protect myself
3. accept myself as I am now (figure out how that works)
4. become aware of my feelings & pay attention to them
5. get to know myself more
6. respect myself (needs & wants, likes & dislikes)
7. love myself (be nice, gentle & loving to myself)

I suspect it’s a control thing: if I make someone wait for me, I control what they do (to some extend in that time period). Oh dear! Could also be a trust-test, i.e. if someone is willing to wait for me, they must care enough about me, i.e. I can trust them. Does this make sense? Need to think about this more. In the meantime, I want to try to accept myself as I am & understand that all the habits I have (good & bad) I created myself to protect myself initially.^{Not liking this about myself much right now though.}

... that I used to consider a friend but for a while not sure where to place her anymore. Noticing that everytime I’m about to meet her: I want to pull out last minute coz I’m feeling a lot of anxieties then. Not sure exactly why, but there’s a lot of little things I don’t like she does. But she seems to be helping me alot & gives me many presents. Not sure how to deal with this situation. Want to think about it more.

I find it really soothing to go in a stationary shop when I’m feeling scared, or sad or overwhelmed. Somehow that calms me and cheeres me up. Even if I don’t buy anything. I just love stationary! Especially when I travel I like to find clever and beautiful stationary things I can’t get anywhere else. And then using it gives me such pleasure.

Today, I realised how much I allow others to affect how I feel and what I do. I really haven’t got a clue how not to, though I’m realising that I’m allowing myself to be a slave to the people around me. Or if not expressed so extreme: I’m not independent of the people around me, their words, actions, manipulations, suggestions etc.. I get told sometimes I should not take things so personal, but it’s like a riddle to me. I mean if people speak to ME, interact with ME, put ME down, give ME looks, try to stop ME from doing things. How should this not affect ME? I need to think about this more.

I took the test again today, just to see if there’s more people like me around. Yet, I am still “a Healthy Extroverted Builder” and this time around still 0% are like me. This time it was 0% out of the 7638 people who have taken this quiz are like me. I might take this test again to see if there’s more people like me out there. And in the meantime I’m gonna celebrate that I seem to be a rarity, perhaps even a unique being – one of a kind. Not so bad perhaps after all ;).

Today I realised that I might have marked one question incorrect. I’ve said that I visited 4 continents. Though not sure how to understand the question correctly. I’ve visited a lot of places on the continent I live on, so I counted it with the 4. Though if I’m not supposed to count the continent that I’m living on, then it’s only 3 continents I’ve visited. So now I’m a Healthy Extroverted Builder but still 0% of the 4851 people who have taken this quiz are like me. Why is there no one like me :(. Can’t stop wondering if something is wrong with me…

I took the 43 Things Personality Quiz and found out I’m a Traveling Healthy Builder (and that 0% of the 3237 people who have taken this quiz are like me. Mhm.) Is that a good thing? Or is that the wrong question to ask? Is there really good and wrong or am I being judgemental here? I guess I’m feeling a little confused about this result. And I guess I shouldn’t be asking for feedback all the time but accept myself and trust myself. OK, but I’d like the idea that there are more people out there like me. Hello? Anybody out there?

NOVEMBER 22nd:

I’m really hard on myself. Not very nice to me sometimes. Get angry at myself a lot. Ask a lot of myself & don’t allow myself much space for errors, rest and fun. At the moment I’m also a little confused. The other day I was called ‘weak’. I didn’t like that at all. I identify as a strong person. Am I really deluding myself? I want to think about this more and speak to the person who called me so.