daily: do the things I dread

...is the new motto for my most dreaded things that I’ve let slip again. Sigh! The idea is to get up 30min earlier, get dressed to shoes w/ make-up n hair all fixed n then do 30min of horror tasks first thing in the day. Then the rest of the day shall be a piece of cake n I can be happy that there’s no horror till tomorrow. Half hour should be doable if I put my mind to it! Go, go, go!

...are back. Just did one Pomodoro (25min) on my private tax issues and took steps. Most dreaded steps. But the first one is done…not been doing this for months due to other (fortunately somewhat more positive) stress but my post box is starting to nag me again and here I am getting back on track with the dreaded stuff. Yeehaa!

Today was another court date in the story of my horrible landlord trying to evict me. Honestly, I can’t imagine feeling much worse. The last week and especially the last few days have been hard to bear and last night was simply awful to go through. I could hardly function even with the basic things recently and I felt my weakened protective shield was noticed and taken advantage of by my co-worker and superiour at work. Which – needless to say – didn’t help and disappointed. However, I am still standing and according to my lawyer the hearing went well. I wasn’t sure at first since my three witnesses were contradicting each other in some areas but I guess that’s normal given they’ve all perceived things from their angle in a unique and subjective way. I was just sitting there and listening whilst trying not to go postal/jump out the window or look like I was about to. This whole thing has been so EXHAUSTING! I can’t wait for it to be over. Let’s hope it doesn’t take much longer to be sorted!

...that my most dreaded things are actually opportunities to make me feel happy and triumphant once I step out into the arena of the monster and face it. I know I am resourceful, creative in my thinking and perhaps even clever: So the best thing I can do for myself is give myself the opportunity to show what I’ve got! My opponents and the evil monsters of the everyday grind only manage to make advances while I sit still and do nothing (whilst getting miserable). It’s a bit like with my stage fright, once I play the first note all the anxiety is gone and I shine and do my job well (and show my jealous rivals who’s boss). I must remember this!!! I’ve just done my first dreaded thing/phone call and feel great, motivated, charged with energy, ready to kick it and proud of myself. The sticky blackness of the last few days is shaken off and I am ready to face this day with elegance and dignity standing up straight (instead of hiding in shady corners without light shoulders and head down, slouching along). I want to be a respectable person that takes responsibility and action, is honest and plays within the rules. Even if some of them are really stupid and pointless…without them I couldn’t enjoy a lot of the freedom I take for granted. Sigh! Having a good morning and hope to carry the spirit into the rest of the day! Yay!

...nose blocked up and running with a bit of a sore throat still and a general feeling of not being well. Got to keep pulling myself together for my gig tonight! Will be a tough one. Loads of ugly behind-the-curtain politics going on. Sigh! And I’m feeling rather crushed about my shitty time-slot. But perhaps I should feel flattered about all the time and energy some ppl put into screwing me? Plus I am getting paid well. So I do have at least one ally. And all in all I must be doing something right if my jealous rivals put up such a fight? But of course it gets to me. I was looking forward to playing this gig and now it’s become one big dread. ^{makes big pout} Oh well, it’s all experience and in the long run these ppl can’t stop me and with these tuff gigs under my belt I’ll just become more pro and grow a thicker skin…eventually.

I’ve got something in my eye and it’s been driving me crazy ever since it got there a couple of hours ago. Ahh! Can’t seem to get it out&can’t even see anything in my eye no matter how much I lift the lids and look for it. Very agitating! Could it be an imaginary eye lash in my eye so I don’t have to crack on with my stuff? I’m unmotivated today…I’ve got to do this thing for the lawyer and I’ve been having a mental block on it for a while. Like on all the other prob case dreaded things I need to do. Why don’t I feel motivated to get it over and done with once and for all? And even the lawyer who wants to help can’t do so as long as I don’t do my part…but I feel a bit protective of my probs…”Hey, they are my probs…hands off my probs!”Do they give me something I’m not aware off? A kind of excuse perhaps?”Sorry I’m not finished with this or that…I’ve got other probs you know…”that kinda stuff maybe? And what’s the gain? I mean I did almost certainly hord probs for some reason, or? Sigh! This whole subconscious thing is kinda nerve wrecking…

...making calls has gotten easier, practise makes perfect. I need to make sure I keep doing them even when less drama might be in my life just to not get out of practise. The tax stuff still is a work in progress, but I got a big chunk of it out of the way. Need to make sure not to give up and follow-through till the end. Not. Fun. But must be done.

Visiting post box and opening letters is much better now. Must keep an eye on it, though can be proud of the progress. Health insurance is still one big drama, but not as big as the landlord thing. So one big drama at a time. Heating company, mobile phone company and gym bills are all dealt with. Thank goodness. Heating company and gym bills are all payed for in full. Cancelled the gym membership for now. Can pick up on it, when I’m in a more stable position, financially and timewise. Mobile phone company accepted an installment. So must make sure I pay it on time every month. So far so good. Next one I have to do on Saturday morning. Sigh. The personal tax I just have to hand in now. Perhaps Monday I can find the courage and just go there and do it. Would be great.

The landlord thing is the biggest thing I am dealing with ATM. Very very stressful and time consuming but I am making massive progress. Moving my piano on Saturday will be a major change. Will have it at BF’s/our place from then on. Looking forward to getting it tuned and playing again. Insurance bills need sorting and prioritising. I’ve really lost track of where I am and need to write to them to help me make an action/payment plan. Speaking of which, I am getting MUUUCH better at asking for help and admitting that I am overwhelmed. Been getting warm and kind reactions mostly which definitely helps. Can’t wait to finish off this list!

1. sort out probs with landlord (get lawyer if necessary) doing
2. keep making those scary calls (I hate calls!!!) doing
3. go to postbox MIN once a week doing
4. open all letters as they come in (no more unopened letter piles) doing
5. bank probs: follow-through and finish what I started
6. deal w/ company tax questions/fines/probs
7. hand in that application thingy
8. hand in personal tax (2005, 2006, 2007, 2008)
9. sort out probs with health insurance
10. pay all insurance bills (especially legal insurance)
11. pay all internet domain bills
12. find new doc once all is sorted w/ health insurance
13. CV: update, revamp, get those missing letters of recommendation

1. find out what the hell is wrong with my e-mail inbox & fix it
2. get fon from my place and make those scary calls (I hate calls!!!) doing
3. finish updates for tax attorney for company tax (2007, 2008)
4. CV: update, revamp, get those missing letters of recommendation not urgent now as it looks like I got a new part-time job as of December
5. open all letters as they come in (no more unopened letter piles) doing
6. sort out probs with health insurance doing
7. call doc & give update on stat w/ health insurance
8. go to postbox MIN once a week doing
9. sort out probs with heating company
10. sort out probs with mobile phone company
11. pay all internet domain bills
12. pay all gym bills
13. pay all insurance bills (especially legal insurance)
14. do personal tax (2005, 2006, 2007, 2008) doing
15. sort out probs with landlord (get lawyer if necessary) doing