overcome depression

I am no longer seeing a phsyciatrist or phsycologist because I am not on a group insurance plan and can’t get individual coverage for this. I hate insurance companies. I am having health problems as well, that may cause my insurance company to drop me, so it is costing me lots of money to get treated because I am paying out of pocket. I am really depressed and although I more commonly feel sad, lately I have been really angry. It is eating away at me. I am really hurting inside.

I’m so tired of being inside this body, and even more, inside of this head. I’ve been thinking a lot about my cousin who killed himself a year ago this March. I wonder if I could have the guts to do it.

Went to the mall to get out of the house with a friend. Ordered a big plate of Korean BBQ, but then ate like 2 bites. I feel disgusting on these meds…I have a big fat tongue and dry mouth, and I am physically hungry, but have no appetite. We went and saw Black Snake Moan at the theater, and I found the movie interesting and compelling, but a little dissapointed and confused at the end. Now I just feel kind of empty, and I am hating this daylights saving time change…it’s so late already. My vacation is officially over tomorrow, and I am coming down with a cold.

I just got back from vacation the day before yesterday and am feeling lethargic. I managed to unpack my bags as soon as I got home(OCD), and go to a doctors appoinment, and then shuffled my schedule around to fit another doctors appoinment in so I wouldn’t have to miss any work. My aunt and uncle called me last minute and were staying at the Beverly Hilton. I was feeling down and almost didn’t meet them, but decided last minute to go. I am trying to not make decisions I will regret.
I started taking anti-depressents today that will help with my depression and OCD. I have had success with this kind in the past (Lexapro), but stopped taking them believing they caused my TMJ. The doctor however believes that it was the stress and anxiety…so we are trying them again.
I sat around all day today and watched depressig episodes of Intervention. Then I remembered to start the Lexapro. I took it and started feeling weird, so I took a nap. Now I’ve woken up and it’s dark and actually later (because the daylight savings at midnight) Yucky. I saw a card when I was in Portland that I related to, and am kicking myself for not buying it. It had an illustration of one of those little kangaroo-looking mice thingys on the front and said, “I’m feeling all anxious…” The inside said, “like when you sleep to long and you’ve woken up after the sun has gone down” That is exactly how I feel right now. To a T.

I am working with my therapist to change my feelings about past events. There’s a name for the system, but I can’t remember it. He said I will feel much worse before I begin to feel better, and I do.

I had a wonderful Valentines Day with my boyfriend yesterday. I had some dreams (I cannot remember them though) that cuased me to awake in a meloncholy mood, and now I’ve been depressed all day. I did some binge eating at my desk this morning and I feel discusted and pissed at myself. I can’t concentrate, but I need to get off this site and do some damn t-shirt designs, or I’ll be more depressed when I get fired from my job!

I hate admitting that I’m depressed. I pretty much have been for 12 years now. I actually convinced myself in recent years that I was over it. Then I went to a psychologist, and along with the OCD, he observed that I am severely depressed. And I realize I am.
It was easy to convince myself I’m not. I recently landed a great new job, purchased my first car, and moved to a beautiful home with an ocean view. I have a boyfriend who loves me and a good relationship with my parents. I’m financially independant. I’ve made huge strides and had great success in the last few years. But that doesn’t mean I’m happy. I just feel like I should be because that is what the world expects.
My OCD has also proved a good distraction from my depression. As long as I’m contantly doing things I don’t have time to think about it.
Since I’ve been going to sessions I’ve felt maybe even more depressed. But I keep going because I know that it’s because I’ve been repressing things, and that eventually I’ll start feeling better (I hope). I want to purge myself of the past, it’s these thoughts and feelings that creep up on me at odd times, it’s regret and shame that gives me suicidal thoughts and tell me I’m worthless.