Mend my broken heart

Months go by, life is happening all around, doing things, talking to people, concentrating on myself, working, exercising, enjoying the sun when it comes out, enjoying my books… Same old, same new. I think of him very often, more than I’d like to. Recently it has been on a consistent basis, don’t know why. The pictures of the past keep running through my head over & over; I wonder where he is & what he’s doing. I wonder if we’ll ever talk or see each other again or we’ll be like phantoms, residing on the same Earth & yet unknown to each other. It’s been 9 months & nothing’s changed in me thinking about him or missing him. I continue to love him just like before. Sometimes I think of his face, his hands, his hair & how it all felt; all our laughs & arguments. Moments of anguish are intertwined with moments of bliss. My inner self is more stable now, but I do cry at times. Lately it’s been more frequent. Sadness creeps out. Regret that things went the way they did, although I realize that everything has its own wise purpose. I’m trying to concentrate on the present moment because this is all I have. There’s no more past. The past is just the story, a compilation of pictures, thoughts & emotions. The future is in the making. Right now I have Now. And what’s in the Now? Lots of good stuff. I’m trying to enjoy them all and smile.

Yesterday it’s been 8 months. No different from 7 or 6 or 5… It helps to have no contact though. Since the time he sent me a weird email a month ago or so, he disappeared again & I let it be. Of course I’m thinking of him every day, but I haven’t seen him in my dreams lately. Nothing’s different really, same old crap, same old emotions & thoughts. Just getting used to live with them on the daily basis. A guy friend in other state who I met before I moved where I’m now is on the phone with me almost every day for a long time & it helps me to take my mind off of unnecessary thoughts. Plus my work is busy & intense. Plus I joined the gym & now I exercise every single day. It’s good. It’s great. I mean, outside it is. Inside I’m still broken & shattered, I’m still hurting.
I miss him & love him the same way. Nothing’s changing in time. Just getting more numb & his image moves further & further away from me. Sometimes I see someone who looks similar to him from afar & my heart irks. Then it subsides & I continue what I was doing. I just am. Living my life.
I still love you. The same way.

A week ago, after he asked me whether I was dating anybody & after I said no, otherwise our correspondence would be inappropriate, he wrote me back, saying that I was right, that I should know he was dating someone & that would be inappropriate on his part.
At that moment I experienced our last real breakup all over again. I felt a sharp knife stabbing through my heart, this time to kill me, not to injure. If before I had a strong sense that something was unfinished & that eventually we’d meet & finish it, then now I experienced my hope shatter into million pieces. It was the worst feeling. It’s like I was falling into this black hole of no return & there was nothing I could do about it. I was avoiding our mutual friends & praying that I would never hear anyone tell me that he’s dating anyone. I never thought that the person to inform me of this would be himself.
While reading his email, something didn’t feel right. I couldn’t explain it but it felt phony. I couldn’t determine whether it was the fact that he was dating someone so soon or that he was covering something else with such info, but it was phony.
An hour or so later my shock subsided & I was able to think a little clearly, trying to make sense of all this. His entire behavior since the moment he wished me happy birthday, his emails about me being a treasure, him regretting wronging me, how he missed me, all the details he told me about his life that I didn’t even ask, his persistent questions about my future plans (the location, the job, & other details), & his eventual question about whether I was dating someone… all this didn’t match the info on his email. Where’s the logic? Why the hell would he write me all this if he was already dating someone else? Curiosity? Temporary feeling of missing me? If he was afraid that I misunderstand his emails somehow & wanted to end our conversations, there was still no reason for him to tell me such info, knowing that it would hurt me. Why the hell all this then? It hasn’t been enough time for him to recover, no matter how much he’d like; hasn’t been enough time to fall out of love with me after such intense 3.5 years to fall in love with someone else. If he has a girl, it can’t be anything serious. Maybe it’s just a comfort thing or just plain s.e.x. Plus he told me that once his program at work ends in Summer, he’d move to another location. That makes no sense that the girl will move with him.
So I’m confused & yet I preferred that he never responded again. This way it’d be easier. I haven’t received any emails from him again & I assume I never will unless something happens in his life that will make him realize that he’s one seriously messed up human who constantly goes against his inner calling, who tries to fight his heart with his head, who thinks that he can outsmart the nature. He’s not happy & that’s the result of his effed up actions. I can’t make him realize it. Life will. Then he might come to me & confess that he’s a sick man on his head who doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing.
Meanwhile, I’ll be living my life, reaching my goals, trying to develop, become happy on my own, create something good. He’s on my mind day & night, my heart belongs to him, that’s given. I still have a sense of unfinished business but I won’t force the situation. I let Life show him real values. If he realizes them, good. If not, then not. I will need to learn to live with this pain & still enjoy life. I must. I must learn to accept the idea that he’s out of my life. Of course I’m sad, very sad that we couldn’t make it. I’m sad about many things. But I can’t turn back time. I can’t change anything anymore. All I can do is to create the future that would make me happy & that can’t happen unless I accept what IS. What IS, is him not being in my life anymore.
My heart is still yours.

It’s gonna be 7 months already. Wow! I can’t believe it’s that much. I’m used to being alone, used to call myself “single”. I’m having my own goals in life & actively moving forward to achieve them. It makes me feel strong & independent. It reminds me that over time it get easier. No, the pain doesn’t really go away, it stays there to remind itself to us. But it’s not paralyzing anymore. I’m able to own myself, handle myself, love myself without any other people being present in my life. Overall I’m a loner & I never suffer from it. Maybe that’s why I’m able to remain sober & not get suicidal from losing a person I love. I never had issues with self-esteem & after he left, instead of feeling insecure, I became so sexy & confident like never before in my life. But I noticed that I didn’t love myself enough. I made too many excuses for his outrageous behavior. Why? Because I loved him. There’s no logic. Now I notice that I go back to my old higher standards, I’m seeing things more clearly, I realize more & more that I deserve a better treatment, I deserve to be appreciated & to be treated like a princess. I deserve a man who won’t be afraid to commit. Yes, I still love him. I don’t love him any less than before. And by the way, he keeps emailing me, asking questions, inquiring about my life. I know that he has something in mind & that he’s trying to move slow. After all, he did pour out his soul in December, telling me that he was stupid, that he took me for granted & that I’m a treasure. I write him back because I still feel that things just aren’t finished between us. I don’t want to lie to myself & send him to hell just yet. I can do it any time anyway. I just wanna see how he goes about our situation. Meanwhile, I’m applying for jobs, traveling for interviews to other states & if I’m hired there, I won’t be holding myself back, thinking, what if he’ll plead to come back, so I won’t be tied to work just yet. No. I love you more than anything in my life & that’s how it’ll be, but I also love myself & therefore I’ll be moving toward my own dreams & goals, even if it means to be even more away from you. If you really love me, if you really want me & appreciate me like you say, you will find a way out to get me back. If not, I will feel hurt, once again, but I will get over it just like before.

Our email corespondence continues. It’s apparent that he’s clearly being very careful & knows that he’s at fault. Several times he mentioned that he learned his lessons. He’s not pushy, rather the opposite b/c again – he realizes that to ask more than forgiveness would be just too ridiculous. I’ve done enough through emails to make him confess his mistake & now I should cool off & probably change the subject. I just switched countries, came back to the States after 5 months. He doesn’t know that & won’t unless he asks. During the entire February I’m gonna work out & eat healthy, lose weight as much as I plan & look stunning by March. It’s my choice whether we meet or not & if I choose to meet, put on my best clothes, best perfume, best makeup & best sexy attitude, he’ll drop dead. I’m gonna look at him on the floor & say “Got it, jerk?”
LOL, nah, I’m just kidding. He’s not a jerk & I’m not a bitch. But I am determined to take his breath away, just for the hell of it. Even though he knows that I’m a treasure, he’s gonna see that treasure w/ his own eyes!
And then we’ll see how our communication continues, how I’ll feel about him. My heart will tell me. I miss him, I always do. Once in a while I look at his face on tons of pictures I have on my laptop & think “You’re basically in my hands & yet I have a chance to put you away & never have you. What will I do? Hmm…”

It’s been over 5 months now. He wishes me a happy birthday in December over an email. I’m shocked to hear from him at all b/c I haven’t since August & I thought I never will. In his email he mentions something that I couldn’t neglect & that’s how our email correspondence started. I never asked any questions but he kept telling me more & more details, which suprised me b/c he’s never been too talkative. Then there was a pause after Christmas. After the pause he sends me a heartwrenching email & pours out everything that he has inside: How he regrets everything that he’s done, how he didn’t appreciate me & took me for granted, how I’m such a treasure, how I’m haunting him in his dreams…
It’s not his style at all & that’s why the weight on his words is larger. I sent him quite a dry email (what else can he expect?) yet asking couple of questions, leaving everything open. I don’t know how it’s gonna go. I just need to take one day at a time. First, we need to email in more detail, then we need to meet & then… life will show.
The reigns are in my hands now. I’m not a cruel bitch but I’m gonna make you work & prove that you’ve realized something. Yes, my love for you is still the same but if you fail again, I know that I can manage w/o you just like I did for the past 5 months.

My friend & I had a discussion about my relationship w/ my ex. He said something that’s stuck in my head now. He offered only two options: 1. either my ex didn’t love me enough to build a future with me regardless of difficulties; 2. he found someone else & used an excuse whatever he told me in his letter.
I’m now thinking whether there’s a third option. The second claim doesn’t make sense b/c I know my ex too well. The first one does. The third option, which says that no matter how much he loved me, he couldn’t waste any more time on a relationship that didn’t work the way he wanted to. It makes the most sense to me.
But aside from that, I need to start thinking about & realizing the fact that if a person leaves, he doesn’t need another anymore. That’s as simple as it is. Or if he does need her, then not as much as he needs something else, be it freedom, peace of mind, another person, job, whatever.
I need to digest it more & adopt this idea. I think it might make me feel better, help me to get over him faster.
Does the knowing of you not loving me enough reduce my love for you? No. I still love you & think of you more often than at the beginning. I’m learning to live on with that scar. I can see that it’s possible.

Time passes by, new experiences add up, pictures change, thoughts change, opinions change…
Anything else have changed? Nope. Time passes by, my love doesn’t. It’s there, sitting quietly, it found a place where no one can reach it, even I can’t reach it to tear it out of there & leave it behind. I guess I just have to deal with that fact & be happy that my heart loves a person, even though that person is out of my life.
I found a new job, I’m meeting new people, I’m having fun. I’m downloading new music that builds on my new life. I’m taking advantage of my freedom. I feel joy.
But I still miss you & think of you every day, even though it’s been over 3 months.

Music has an amazing effect on people. This music that I’m listening to right now has nothing to do with you or us & yet it throws me in a trance where there’s just you & I.

Kate Ryan – Ella Elle L’a
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZjJJwnfHyYc

I shouldn’t have stumbled on our pictures online because…

I don’t need anything or anybody. I just have this hollywood smile of yours in front of my face, your gorgeous curly black hair, your mysterious eyes… Nothing in the world matters anymore. Just this music, a room full of people where there are only two of us, your presence…

I can’t cry much anymore but sometimes a tear will fall. I know that once the music is over, my thoughts of you will be too. I’ll come back to reality.

But I still love you

I’ve seen dreams about him several times. One time he didn’t look like himself at all. Another time he wrote me a text, clearly stating that he missed me. The recent one was just from a distance. I saw him being OK without me, although I didn’t know what exactly was going on in his heart.
I think of him often but I continue living my current life as it is. I meet new people. I’m in a different country right now, two guys are already attached to me & I’m just having fun. At least I enjoy attention. I leave this country for 2 weeks soon, in another one there’s one guy who misses me too & is waiting for me. All of them know that I’m not looking for a relationship & it seems like they still want to be around. It’s their choice. Often I have this regretful feeling inside about me not feeling chemistry with any of them. Life doesn’t give me losers for some reason. All those men (in U.S. there are two, in the second country there’s one & in the third one, where I’m currently located, there are two) are worthy. They are caring, talented, smart, quite good-looking, funny, interesting… All of them treat me like a princess. I appreciate their attitude & I give them whatever I can (my attention, my time, good vibes, etc.) but I just can’t force myself to start something new. I can’t start something with someone who doesn’t make me insides flutter. There was only one guy who did that & to whom my heart still belongs. It’s my ex. It’s OK though. I don’t have a choice but to just live my life the way it happens. Maybe it’s not a right time to have chemistry with anyone. Maybe there’s something else I need to accomplish first.
But those dreams I keep seeing carry a message. I’ve been contemplating whether they were just a reaction of my unconsious. But their symbolic nature is undeniable. I live in a different country, only temporarily, but it does make me preceive the past as a dream. I’m in a different culture & mentality here, different people surround me, I speak a different language, walk in a different nature & I don’t drive a car over here. All this definitely helps. But it doesn’t erase any thoughts of him. Love doesn’t go away. I’m not over him because I still can’t look at our pictures or listen to our music. Let alone doing it without any strong emotions. It’s been only 2 months, it will take many more. More & more I’m getting used to being single. Technically I’m back to where I’ve been all my life. Just with more scars & more memories.
I’m still here, living my life, talking to people, laughing, learning new things, trying to find myself. Even though our love story is lost, I haven’t lost myself. I’m happy that I maintained my essence that actually came into this world to accomplish something & not sulk in the corner, crying, feeling miserable just because I lost a person whom I love. If I can get through this, I can get through most of it.
I keep loving you, every day, you still have my heart no matter what I do or where I am. But I’m not lost in you.