I read these entries last night, while batteling my own urge to call an old friend and score some bud.
I have smoked and used drugs for fifteen years; the 6th of July will mark two months being drug free (I still enjoy up to two drinks (seperated by one hour of time) when needed). These days of my life are so much more different than the past, I feel like I am walking forward instead of backwards.
Last night was my most difficult point in the drug-free journay. I wanted to “burn one”, bullshit with old friends and then pass out on a random couch. This was my old pattern of habit.
On the other side, I want so much more out of life. Today, I am volunteering at a 5k run for kids, assisting with the decoration of their creative running costumes. I could not bear showing up with a hang-over and trying to be myself (true to me and to these kids).
By the way, I am always hung-over after smoking weed. I would/will smoke until everything is gone (out of guilt for buying more drugs), pass out with joints/pipes in hand, and then wake up, pissed-off that my girlfriend or anyone else hasn’t awoken me so that I could smoke more—a true marijuana induced stuper.
Allowing one hour to pass last night, sitting in my chair and feeling my emotions, AND reading through these entries really pushed me forward in a positive direction. I was able to call my girlfriend, drive over to her home and not to a dealer, eat and then sleep.